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Why can't I turn it all off

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lisakm1126 posted 7/6/2013 20:11 PM

WH is doing all the right things...why am I still struggling SO bad. I feel like I'm constantly looking to catch him in a lie of any kind...just to put me out of my misery. I feel like I'm stuck on "double life" guy that no matter how good he does with R that its all fake. That its all a lie. That its all a decoy to have his cake and eat it too. He sees this wall I have put up and it is interfering with our R TREMENDOUSLY!!! And I'm starting to feel like its all me. That I won't accept his gestures and words and actions. That I won't let him in because I constantly feel like he's lying to me. It's like I'm treating him as if I just found out something even though there is nothing. I read into EVERY LITTLE THING and not matter what I can't tell my brain to stop. I find hairs on clothes in the laundry and I'm holding it up to my head to see if it matches. I'm like a crazy person!! I can't continue my life like this. I feel like I'm making myself go insane "looking" for anything he might be hiding and not focusing on R. No matter what he says I feel like its all lies. Why can't I just accept that he is truly trying and that he isn't hiding anything? It's been almost 2 years and this is the WORST I've felt since we started R. Why now? And why can't I just let these thoughts go and try to let us be happy? Why am I obsessing SO bad ALL THE TIME!!! It's exhausting to keep holding up this wall

doesitgetbetter posted 7/6/2013 20:15 PM

I would guess because you've let down your guard before, you've trusted him after infidelity before, and all it got you was another DDay. You are hypervigilant for your 3rd DDay, and I don't blame you.

For some, infidelity truly is a dealbreaker.... it just takes some a very long time to figure that out.

mainlyinpain posted 7/6/2013 20:32 PM

I think especially after more than one dday we become hypervigilant. Is this PTSD? Perhaps, all I know is it is exhausting. I have done the hair in the laundry thing too. And the pen with the name of a spa...says he found on the front lawn, and I believe it, but still had so much anxiety about this green pen until I could ask him about it. Then we have to weigh whether or not to believe. About a pen... because we know what a pen can mean. A pen.
But it sounds like on the surface, what you can see, you have two years of good R. Is your gut telling you something or is this just wanting to know, to make sure, to want to verify that you can trust. I would suggest a polygraph...ask if for the past two years he had been faithful. You would get some mental peace to know if he passed and can stop wondering if he fails. It sound like he would most likely pass and honey you could get some peace. So ask for it. You deserve it.

Hugs to you.

torn2pieces posted 7/6/2013 20:36 PM

Sorry to hear this. I do the same thing at times. I check his phone, pockets, call if leaves house for a long time, and just don't trust fully anymore. This is not easy and I feel for u. Sometimes I wonder if all the obsessions would end if we split but my h seems to be on track, I think:)good luck

Searchingforhope posted 7/6/2013 20:39 PM


If your WH is doing all the right things then it's up to you take a deep breath and accept it...scary as it may be to let down your guard.

I'm struggling with this too, so I understand the fear.

There are no guarantees in life....FOR ANYONE.

This isn't profound advice..but it's all I got at the moment.

blueberry posted 7/7/2013 06:05 AM

Its all about feeling safe. and when you have been betrayed, that safety net is gone. We tend to disguise it with anger, being hyper vigilant, playing the mind movies over and over again. That way we will not be fooled again. I know, its exhausting.

I am trying to live in the moment and trust my FWH, who continues to do everything right.
I, also, now know how he acted during the affair, and if I ever saw that type of behavior again, I would know. During his affair, I was naive and unexperienced about infidelity. I now consider myself an expert, and that helps to make me feel safe.

Hugs to all that suffer, it will get better.

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