It was confirmed for me by my L that I truly am D as of July 1st. Wow...I don't know what I expected but I find it strange a M can be dissolved so quietly and easily (at least in my case....I am aware others have a much harder time and perhaps I should consider myself lucky!)
I think I was focused so much and so hard on obtaining this D as it felt like it was the only thing I had control over and once it was done, my daily thinking of my EX (wow...even feels strange writing EX instead of WW or STBXWW) would come to a stop and then, and only then, would I truly be able to move on. Well, nope....reality check...although D may be official it turns out I don't feel any different at all. I still think of her multiple times daily and two days ago I vowed to take a break from reading here as I was thinking maybe SI is keeping me thinking about her but I had no will power and don't think I even lasted a few hours...I can't stop reading here...and I think I only do because I hope I finally get some insight into wtf happened, what is going on in her mind, and worse....when I come here I always go to the Wayward section first because I stupidly keep hoping I'll see her post a "Hi, I'm new here...and what the fuck did I do?!?!) topic
I'm really messed up still I think. Now I don't even have anything to look forward to as I did with the D for these last few months. Worse, even though I think I'd like to see some remorse or even regret from her but even better, an "I messed up and really want to come home" acknowledgement from her....I fully, truly know we can never be together again. I'm 99.99% sure of this...and that tiny fraction of possibility that remains depends on her somehow convincing me it was all a mistake and she's incredibly sorry and she somehow convinces me she would never do this again and most of all....she gets help and somehow makes it up to our kids what she did to them and continues to do to them...and that would be so much incredible work that I know she could never do even a bit of it, or would want to....so in retrospect after writing this I change the percentage of us ever being together again to 100% "no way"! (I feel it's unfair if I don't mention that I could improve some things and do better in other ways myself...so it's not all just on her...but the A is and so is blowing up our family)
So is this normal to be 13 months out from DDay/Separation and now finally D for me to be thinking and acting like this? I am strictly NC with her and will only communicate when absolutely necessary (eg. Kids) via email...and she's always hated that and wants to talk in person or via phone but I refuse and intend to keep it this way. I mention this so you know that I've done everything I can to remove her or reminders of her from my life....yet I still think of her multiple times DAILY. Gah! I want it to stop.
After everything she's done and continues to do and with how rotten and despicable she's been....you (and I!!) would think this should be easy for me. Yet I still can't shake the feeling she was my 'soul-mate' and this was not supposed to happen to us.
Normal? Do I need the men with white coats? Anything I can do to help myself put this and her in the past? Or...is it still just a matter of that 4 letter word I sometimes hate hearing about....TIME?
Thanks SI....even though I tried to quit you I still love you (I'm vaguely remembering some quote from brokeback mountain that feels like it should be inserted here!)