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I thought divorce would put an end to this

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pjkmkjm23 posted 7/6/2013 21:25 PM

It was confirmed for me by my L that I truly am D as of July 1st. Wow...I don't know what I expected but I find it strange a M can be dissolved so quietly and easily (at least in my case....I am aware others have a much harder time and perhaps I should consider myself lucky!)

I think I was focused so much and so hard on obtaining this D as it felt like it was the only thing I had control over and once it was done, my daily thinking of my EX (wow...even feels strange writing EX instead of WW or STBXWW) would come to a stop and then, and only then, would I truly be able to move on. Well, nope....reality check...although D may be official it turns out I don't feel any different at all. I still think of her multiple times daily and two days ago I vowed to take a break from reading here as I was thinking maybe SI is keeping me thinking about her but I had no will power and don't think I even lasted a few hours...I can't stop reading here...and I think I only do because I hope I finally get some insight into wtf happened, what is going on in her mind, and worse....when I come here I always go to the Wayward section first because I stupidly keep hoping I'll see her post a "Hi, I'm new here...and what the fuck did I do?!?!) topic

I'm really messed up still I think. Now I don't even have anything to look forward to as I did with the D for these last few months. Worse, even though I think I'd like to see some remorse or even regret from her but even better, an "I messed up and really want to come home" acknowledgement from her....I fully, truly know we can never be together again. I'm 99.99% sure of this...and that tiny fraction of possibility that remains depends on her somehow convincing me it was all a mistake and she's incredibly sorry and she somehow convinces me she would never do this again and most of all....she gets help and somehow makes it up to our kids what she did to them and continues to do to them...and that would be so much incredible work that I know she could never do even a bit of it, or would want in retrospect after writing this I change the percentage of us ever being together again to 100% "no way"! (I feel it's unfair if I don't mention that I could improve some things and do better in other ways it's not all just on her...but the A is and so is blowing up our family)

So is this normal to be 13 months out from DDay/Separation and now finally D for me to be thinking and acting like this? I am strictly NC with her and will only communicate when absolutely necessary (eg. Kids) via email...and she's always hated that and wants to talk in person or via phone but I refuse and intend to keep it this way. I mention this so you know that I've done everything I can to remove her or reminders of her from my life....yet I still think of her multiple times DAILY. Gah! I want it to stop.

After everything she's done and continues to do and with how rotten and despicable she's (and I!!) would think this should be easy for me. Yet I still can't shake the feeling she was my 'soul-mate' and this was not supposed to happen to us.

Normal? Do I need the men with white coats? Anything I can do to help myself put this and her in the past? it still just a matter of that 4 letter word I sometimes hate hearing about....TIME?

Thanks SI....even though I tried to quit you I still love you (I'm vaguely remembering some quote from brokeback mountain that feels like it should be inserted here!)

Take2 posted 7/6/2013 21:35 PM

Totally, completely, normal!

2-5 years Divorce or no. I'm afraid the estimate is pretty accurate, at least in my experience. It will take a while to fade to black... or dark gray... or at least for the rest of life to overshadow this mess. But you'll get there!

ButterflyGirl posted 7/6/2013 21:41 PM

Just wanted to send you some hugs.. I think like most people, it's not her you miss, it the hopes and dream of what could have been. All the what if's.. What if she had just ______.. What if I had just ______..

I don't think the official D is going to change a lot for me either. I can't wait to get the custody and finances figured out and set in stone and get that huge weight of my shoulders, but I don't think it will change the feelings that much.. I'm still going to have to deal with him given that we have kids, so I don't think the official D is going to change much in regards to my feelings.. I think I will still be dealing with the sadness and anger from the betrayal for a long time..

Yeah, it's the dreaded 4-letter word TIME, but it's also what you do with that time.. Fill it with new things. When you are thinking of her, give yourself something else to do instead. A hobby, a friend you call, something you clean, I don't know, just try to fill the time with anything else and maybe it will start getting easier..

Big hugs to you..

fallingquickly posted 7/6/2013 21:53 PM

There is nothing easy about any of this. No matter how much they have hurt us. No matter if we are sure it is over. The fact is they are ahead of us in letting go because they let go a long time ago when they started looking to other people.

You are right. The answer is time. I'm not even close to being there yet. I too sometimes think about not looking at SI. I also only last for a short while. There are many things that used to be triggers that aren't anymore. There are places and things that I have reclaimed. Some new things have come up that hurt me. For instance I am now packing up much of the house to prepare it to sell. It's tough but necessary.

Just remember to give yourself time to heal. Celebrate the steps you make, no matter how small. And don't beat yourself up over not healing fast enough. We all have our own timeframe. Just keep working at it so you aren't staying in one place.

kernel posted 7/6/2013 21:54 PM

It's perfectly normal. I've been divorced for just shy of 3 years. It took about 2 years after the divorce to stop hoping for a remorseful X, willing to do all the work, begging to give it another try. At least, that's what I would think about - I'm not at all sure I would have actually agreed to try R if it had ever happened. But I still thought about it. I think it's like ButterflyGirl said - it's hard to let go of your old life and your old dreams. I finally got over it by intentionally changing my thought process. If it went down that road, I would remind myself of how much he hurt me and how much destruction he caused me and my kids. I would ask myself if I really valued myself so little that I would ever let him in my life again. That kind of thing. I think eventually my brain convinced my heart, you know? They say to never say never, but I'm saying never. (and feeling a little bit like I'm tempting fate)

It sucks but it's true - time.

pjkmkjm23 posted 7/7/2013 12:59 PM

Thank you all for your responses....I really mean that. There is something comforting in knowing that how you feel, no matter how crazy it may seem, is normal and that others in the same predicament went through or are currently going through the same thing!

Kernel: I really thought about your question of whether we really value ourselves so little that we'd allow them to come home and you're right...and it's a good thing for me to constantly remind myself of. However it's hard to shake that feeling that since they left us, nobody else would want us either...but I know that's not true.

Thanks everyone again :-)

DevastatedTwice posted 7/7/2013 17:55 PM

I could've written this. I felt and still feel so much like you. Divorce didn't change a single thing for me. It's a piece of paper and nothing more. I still feel so wronged, cheated on. I still think about him all the time. I look in wayward too hoping I'll see him there. Ugh. Hard to admit. When you are wronged as we have been, we want them to make up for what they've done. They should. It's hard to let go of that and know that that may never happen. I'm sorry you are here. I think I've prolonged my healing by easing up on my NC at times. When I see what's going on deep in his heart, I tend to open up my heart a little. But it's always to my detriment. He may feel sad but he doesn't change his life or make himself someone I could ever be with. I'm sorry you are struggling. No one understands as you all do. When I was a few months from divorce, a friend asked me if I was going to have a divorce party. I couldn't believe she asked me that.

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