It is DD +6 days. My H and I have been married for 22 years, high school sweethearts, two beautiful children (17 year old boy and 15 year old girl). We had what I thought was an amazing life. I married my best friend, he has stuck beside me thru thick and thin. He works out of town for a local engineering company - gone two weeks, home one week.
6 days ago I found text messages between him and a cell number (no contact name) that started with him saying "Hey hottest! How's your day going? I'm just going to get gas!" She replied her day was "going ok, but much better now! I get to chat with you" "Up for a phone call or just texting?" "Call!!!! If you can!"
Needless to say, I felt as though someone had pulled the ground out from under me. I was in our vehicle heading to the lake with him and our daughter so I had to keep it inside until I could speak to him alone. He at first wouldn't say who the texts were to, but eventually fessed up - a girl he used to work with, that I know very well. I was dumbfounded. He claims there is no "affair" - they are only "friends who text/contact each other" My intutuion of course tells me this is a huge lie.
At my urging he contacted the OW's husband (a friend/previous coworker of his as well). He apologized for "inappropriately calling his wife 'hotstuff' or 'hottest' in the past" The OW's H was amazingly fine. Even thanked my H for phoning him, said he knows how it on the job site, and no problem. I felt he just didn't really get it, and so I contacted him thru text, forwarding him the messages. I have heard nothing.
My husband has now gone back to work (for another two weeks). I have set up IC for tomorrow - a two hour session with a therapist. It was the first thing I did in the days following DD - I could hardly breath, was nauseous, but by some miracle was able to hold it together to go to work. Basically pulled myself up by the boot straps. Most of the time, I'd like to gouge his eyeballs out - he keeps telling me how sorry he is, that I am misunderstanding, and that he loves me so much. But to me, it's too little too late at this point.
I'd like to read the "180" but I don't see it anywhere, even when I click on the "healing library".
I have made sure not to initiate contact with my husband. He claimed that he would send the OW an email saying that he couldn't have any future contact with her. He was going to send it to me first to review, but I have yet to see it, and I don't feel I should have to keep harassing him to do it. In my mind, he should be doing back flips to make amends in any way he can.
I am hanging on (barely) thru the help of great friends and a wonderful (twin) sister. I am focused on my IC appt tomorrow (it can't get here soon enough!!!) and my two kids. They deserve none of the pain this is causing.
Any advice is so welcome! And again, if someone could let me know about the "180".
The more experienced vets will be along shortly, just wanted to let you know you have been heard xx
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I really believe I am following this already, but also admit to a few outbursts.
Please keep the advice coming - it's buoying me on
[This message edited by isadora at 10:33 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]
he keeps telling me how sorry he is, that I am misunderstanding, and that he loves me so much. But to me, it's too little too late at this point.
You aren't misunderstanding. At a bare minimum, he is doing some inappropriate flirting. If it isn't inappropriate,then why did he keep it secret from you?
You are probably questioning everything that happens while he is away, and that is the right thing to do. He owes you answers to every question you ask.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Private is when you go into the bathroom and shut the door to use the toilet. Everyone knows what you're doing in there. You indicate your need for privacy for what you're doing by shutting the door. People respect your need for privacy for what you're doing by not opening the door. That's why we teach children to respect a closed door. What you're doing in there is natural, part of your normal life, not hidden, but kept private out of politeness.
Secrecy is when you hide what you're doing. A secret is something that you withhold from someone else and there should be no secrets between spouses. Secrecy is when you go into the bathroom with your phone and under the disguise of using the toilet, text your OW, look at pornography, and do things that you know that you have to keep hidden from your spouse. If what you're doing is not something that can withstand the light of day, that you feel you need to keep hidden, or you have to lie about, then it's a secret and it's damaging to your relationship.
He was keeping his "relationship" with the OW a secret from you. That indicates that at some level, he knew it was wrong and inappropriate. No matter if it was an EA, sexting, sexually charged chats, or a PA, he knew it was wrong and kept it from you. That's a breech of martial trust.
So keep digging and please do see your IC. And if you can, I would see if I could track his phone usage and computer usage. Him being gone for the amount of time that you say is a HUGE red flag.
D-Day, June 10, 2012