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devestatedwife posted 7/6/2013 21:53 PM

Ok - so here I go. I joined this forum two days ago, and I am only now working up the courage to enter a post.

It is DD +6 days. My H and I have been married for 22 years, high school sweethearts, two beautiful children (17 year old boy and 15 year old girl). We had what I thought was an amazing life. I married my best friend, he has stuck beside me thru thick and thin. He works out of town for a local engineering company - gone two weeks, home one week.

6 days ago I found text messages between him and a cell number (no contact name) that started with him saying "Hey hottest! How's your day going? I'm just going to get gas!" She replied her day was "going ok, but much better now! I get to chat with you" "Up for a phone call or just texting?" "Call!!!! If you can!"

Needless to say, I felt as though someone had pulled the ground out from under me. I was in our vehicle heading to the lake with him and our daughter so I had to keep it inside until I could speak to him alone. He at first wouldn't say who the texts were to, but eventually fessed up - a girl he used to work with, that I know very well. I was dumbfounded. He claims there is no "affair" - they are only "friends who text/contact each other" My intutuion of course tells me this is a huge lie.

At my urging he contacted the OW's husband (a friend/previous coworker of his as well). He apologized for "inappropriately calling his wife 'hotstuff' or 'hottest' in the past" The OW's H was amazingly fine. Even thanked my H for phoning him, said he knows how it on the job site, and no problem. I felt he just didn't really get it, and so I contacted him thru text, forwarding him the messages. I have heard nothing.

My husband has now gone back to work (for another two weeks). I have set up IC for tomorrow - a two hour session with a therapist. It was the first thing I did in the days following DD - I could hardly breath, was nauseous, but by some miracle was able to hold it together to go to work. Basically pulled myself up by the boot straps. Most of the time, I'd like to gouge his eyeballs out - he keeps telling me how sorry he is, that I am misunderstanding, and that he loves me so much. But to me, it's too little too late at this point.

I'd like to read the "180" but I don't see it anywhere, even when I click on the "healing library".

I have made sure not to initiate contact with my husband. He claimed that he would send the OW an email saying that he couldn't have any future contact with her. He was going to send it to me first to review, but I have yet to see it, and I don't feel I should have to keep harassing him to do it. In my mind, he should be doing back flips to make amends in any way he can.

I am hanging on (barely) thru the help of great friends and a wonderful (twin) sister. I am focused on my IC appt tomorrow (it can't get here soon enough!!!) and my two kids. They deserve none of the pain this is causing.

Any advice is so welcome! And again, if someone could let me know about the "180".

Aussiescot posted 7/6/2013 22:07 PM

Soo sorry you found yourself here BW
I'm holding a baby at the moment so hands are full but managed to find this information for you on the 180
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

The more experienced vets will be along shortly, just wanted to let you know you have been heard xx

Aussiescot posted 7/6/2013 22:10 PM

Question 11 but I believe there is a more in depth thread on here somewhere

isadora posted 7/6/2013 22:12 PM

There is a thread called understanding the 180. Should be on front page of this forum. If not I will bump for you

devestatedwife posted 7/6/2013 22:26 PM

Found it!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I could read it over and over - its giving me resolve and strength, exactly what I need!!

I really believe I am following this already, but also admit to a few outbursts.

Please keep the advice coming - it's buoying me on

isadora posted 7/6/2013 22:32 PM

It's good you are in IC. You are correct you shouldn't have to harass him to do the NC letter. Watch his actions.

isadora posted 7/6/2013 22:32 PM

Double post

[This message edited by isadora at 10:33 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Pass posted 7/7/2013 07:12 AM

he keeps telling me how sorry he is, that I am misunderstanding, and that he loves me so much. But to me, it's too little too late at this point.

You aren't misunderstanding. At a bare minimum, he is doing some inappropriate flirting. If it isn't inappropriate,then why did he keep it secret from you?

You are probably questioning everything that happens while he is away, and that is the right thing to do. He owes you answers to every question you ask.

Skan posted 7/7/2013 11:26 AM

If his texting was innocent, then he would have told you and not hidden it from you. Whenever a spouse does something that they feel they have to keep "secret" from the other spouse, it's not innocent. There is a difference between "private" and "secret."

Private is when you go into the bathroom and shut the door to use the toilet. Everyone knows what you're doing in there. You indicate your need for privacy for what you're doing by shutting the door. People respect your need for privacy for what you're doing by not opening the door. That's why we teach children to respect a closed door. What you're doing in there is natural, part of your normal life, not hidden, but kept private out of politeness.

Secrecy is when you hide what you're doing. A secret is something that you withhold from someone else and there should be no secrets between spouses. Secrecy is when you go into the bathroom with your phone and under the disguise of using the toilet, text your OW, look at pornography, and do things that you know that you have to keep hidden from your spouse. If what you're doing is not something that can withstand the light of day, that you feel you need to keep hidden, or you have to lie about, then it's a secret and it's damaging to your relationship.

He was keeping his "relationship" with the OW a secret from you. That indicates that at some level, he knew it was wrong and inappropriate. No matter if it was an EA, sexting, sexually charged chats, or a PA, he knew it was wrong and kept it from you. That's a breech of martial trust.

So keep digging and please do see your IC. And if you can, I would see if I could track his phone usage and computer usage. Him being gone for the amount of time that you say is a HUGE red flag.

beyo posted 7/7/2013 11:29 AM

I am in the same boat....Here my story...Live with the love of my love for 13 years; He raised my children, never gave me a reason to doubt of him, he was a great man, he was my friend, my husband even if we never married. He left me and went to his home country one day telling me he was tired of living here in the US. Once he arrived to his country he called me crying because he regret his decision. He can't return to US due to no visa. Kept asking me to come to him; We could not live without each other. Every time I went to stay with him a took 1 month off my job, risking it, I got in debt and put myself in very stressful situation, but it was worth it, since I wanted to be with him. Every time I left him there was devastating. I did travel probably 14 times in the last 3 years; The last 1 1/2 year were so rocky,his ego busted when he open his new business (A clothing store)with only young girls as employees 18 to 20 years old. His behavior changed. I was not important anymore. We dreamed of being together again when the business was stable and we could afford our bills here in the USA and there in his country (My kids are in college, and we have a house here).His employees (the girls) became more important than anything, not only his business. He will have so much attention to them (From buying them food, to anything they will need). He wanted to be liked by them. He became a teenager again! He finally started behaving in a flirting type with them, and they did to him, in spite of my observations and advises to behave different, to keep a distance with his employees. For everyone , I was his wife, no one new we were not marry, my kids were "our" kids. We had a family in front of everyone; He finally cheated with one of the girls. I confronted him over the phone, because I am still in the US. He cried and said he was terrible sorry over and over again. Asking for forgiveness from me and the kids. Asking what he could do to make it up. I thought I was dying of pain. I wanted him back to his senses, to be the man he always was. I asked him to NC with that girl and to fire her; which he said "He will try" because they already had a relationship and was not fair to her either". I almost died that day again! it has been 4 weeks since I discovered everything, he never called me; I did and that's what he said. I don't have any hopes that he will change. He cried and said he loved me so much and did not want to hurt me, and that he thought he could get away with the affair since I was so fair away. I know I must move on...life my live...but I love him, and I want him back. I know all the pain he caused me all these past 3 years after he left me here; why is he doing this to me?...I cant understand why he wanted to leave me in the first place. He said he felt neglected by me before he left...he just wants a new life without me, and this girl is making it easier...I need you all opinion...please advice!