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byHisGrace posted 7/6/2013 23:11 PM

It will be 2 months on the 9th since we found out that the OC is in fact my husband's offspring. That also makes it my official DDay because he still claims to not remember the ONS even happening. I am trying to accept that he doesn't remember being unfaithful and that he truly does love me but it's very hard. I've looked up phone records but I've only got them for the past 8 months (when we got a plan together), all's clear. I've also figured out his Facebook email and password but he didn't have a Facebook account when the incident happened so the OW probably searched for him and eventually gave up (his is all clear though). We have found her Facebook though and this brings me to one of my questions. Since he can't answer my questions should I contact her? He's been told by child support services not to contact her unless he petitions the court for custody but that's a rule for him, not a rule for me (or does it still apply as I'm his wife?). And is it really a legal requirement as there is no restraining order against him or is it simply their suggestion but no repercussion will actually happen if he (or I) does contact her.

My next question is how do I get my mom to accept my husband again? I recently told her because she's been on my case about being different and I finally couldn't take it anymore. She's very angry with him (understandably), but I need her positive support not negative support. I know I have a place to go if I did want to leave him (which I'm thankful for) but I want to hear how she's praying for healing, not giving me and DD a place to stay if I leave.

Finally, does this get easier? I'm trying my best to make this marriage work. We start counseling this week. My session is Tuesday, his is Wednesday, then after that we do it jointly. I've never seen a counselor and hope that she can give us the tools we need to make this marriage work.

Please help, until I go to counseling I have no one to really talk to about this. My mom is still processing this and the only friend I have who knows has moved away.

Pass posted 7/7/2013 07:16 AM

He doesn't remember cheating on you? Really? How many nights of your life do you totally forget?

Tell your mom exactly what you just told us. It may take time for her to forgive, but I'm sure she will want to do whatever she can to help you.

isadora posted 7/7/2013 09:43 AM

I am sorry you find yourself here. It does get easier, but it takes time.

You can't get your mom to like him again. She gets to make that choice

Was your WH a heavy drinker?

byHisGrace posted 7/7/2013 10:01 AM

He was a heavy drinker when he lived in NY (where his family lives). He moved near me a few months before we started dating and though he drank it wasn't as bad. He's always had the problem where he forgets everything once he gets so drunk, I know this to be true as I've seen/experienced it happen a few times. Since we did find out that he did cheat and now has a daughter due to it, he has vowed to never drink again. This doesn't help a whole lot, I still want answers that I will never know if he doesn't ever remember.

womaninflux posted 7/7/2013 19:04 PM

You can't stop drinking alone...you have to have help. I hope he gets in AA.

byHisGrace posted 7/8/2013 22:20 PM

Thank you womaninflux, I never even considered him needing AA but it makes sense. I know he's not drinking now but I don't know when/if it will start again. He definitely was what I consider an alcoholic in his teens and early 20s but since I've known him he hasn't drank as much. I truly believe the only reason is because he moved away. When we went back to visit a few weeks ago he wanted to drink again. I hate visiting his family because of who he turns into (and I'm not a fan of all of them either, some but not all).

I'm going to MC tomorrow morning for the first session (she meets us each separately first). I'll ask her what she suggests when it comes to asking him to go to AA.

p.s. I've never been to counseling before. I feel like I should say, "wish me luck".

Duffy1958 posted 7/10/2013 00:22 AM

Things do get easier but I compare this to being hit by a train. Imagine the time it takes to heal from train wreck & is probably equal. It is also very painful. Up & down. Back & forth. Ppl cal it a roller coaster & I agree.

If I could say about your mom. She is your mom by God's design & it is a lifetime situation. You don't have to agree with your mom, but hear her out. I'm sure she has wisdom to share with you. Your mom is on your side more than anyone yes? Her reaction doesn't seem unreasonable. As Christians we are to listen to the elders. Kwim? Don't try to get her to accept him again. He broke trust with your entire family. Let him put big boy britches on & FACE your mom in humility. Let him win her back with his goodly actions.

I would give a resounding "No" to contact. Judges/courts don't like it if you nit pick if the order stands for you also. It is a bad idea in my estimation.

Prayers to you for your journey, my sister.

m334455 posted 7/10/2013 02:31 AM

It gets easier. I know it's hard to believe now, but you'll be fine.

I don't know that I'd be in a huge rush to make things work in your shoes.

You should be concentrating on yourself and your baby. Tell your husband since he did the damage he needs to take the lead on repairing the relationship. Making choices like taking the two of you to counseling or attending AA or being transparent -- those need to come from him.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's very difficult.

UndecidedinMA posted 7/10/2013 09:43 AM

Yeah it gets easier but it takes awhile, you are still pretty fresh.

ITA you both need counseling, IC & possibly MC.

I do understand the blsckouts from alcohol. I was with one for a few years and saw it first hand also.

AA or a program is a wonderful idea but I do know of a few people that quit, no counseling & never drank again. One an uncle quit in his 20's, lived til almost 90 and never touched a drop again. It is much harder but can be done.

lieshurt posted 7/10/2013 10:31 AM

He definitely was what I consider an alcoholic in his teens and early 20s

You don't stop being an alcoholic. You may be able to stop drinking, but you are forever an alcoholic. Also, drinking is a coping mechanism. If he stops drinking, then he'll cope with something else if he hasn't dealt with his issues. My exwh stopped drinking, but he turned to porn, gambling, drugs, etc...I was naive when it came to addictions, so I had no idea he would do that. I just thought once he stopped drinking that was it. It wasn't.

byHisGrace posted 7/10/2013 15:49 PM

As far as I know he has stopped drinking but I agree, he's still an alcoholic. I know that it isn't as easy to stop as I'd hope but so far he's done very well. He drank some when we visited his family in NY but not enough to get drunk. As far as I know he hasn't turned to anything else but he's working most of the time so he doesn't really have the time to do anything but work. When he's not working he's with me so unless he's not really at work (he's given me access to his account to check his schedule online so I trust that he is) then I'm confident he hasn't done anything else (i.e. drugs, porn, etc.).

I'm trying my hardest to trust him but we all know how hard that is. I just hope we can R. I want to keep my family together but I refuse to stay in a marriage where I'm constantly unhappy.

I know I can't change my mom's opinion and I completely understand it. She's angry with him for the situation he's put me and our daughter in (financially since he's paying for the OC). I just hope that if I forgive him, she'll find the strength to do so too. I know she's on my side of everything, I think he'll actually have to apologize to her and my stepfather for what he's done to me and our daughter. Then maybe she'll be able to forgive, but only time will tell (stupid time, taking so long).

Thank you all for your words. I would say you have no idea how helpful it is just to talk to someone but I know that each and every one of you do.

lieshurt posted 7/10/2013 15:53 PM

I'm trying my hardest to trust him

It's not your responsibility to trust him right now. It's his responsibility to earn it first and then your trust will eventually follow.