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This is accepted abuse.

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blakesteele posted 7/7/2013 08:05 AM

Here is a thought I had of is a new to me thought. It came to me after a recent MC session.

If a man drinks and verbally abuses his wife, causing emotional trauma to her...but they wanted to work on their marriage the counselor would not start therapy with the thought

Okay, he drinks and has caused you emotional harm dear, and that is not constructive to a healthy marriage...but what are you doing to make him drink in the first place? Are you willing to stop doing that so that he can stop drinking? If yes, then this marriage can survive. If no, it is time for you to apologize and leave.

I get the distinct feeling this is how some therapist come at infidelity...and think mine has a slight turn this way as well.

The tones from mine have had the yes, what your wife did was not healthy and destructive to intimacy within your marriage, but you did things that were destructive too...things that left her with unmet needs.

It seems that I am more willing to list and find that which is broken in me and confess them to my wife then she is to do the same for me....enter my faulty coping skills and fear of abandonment.

I just cant think of another form of abuse where the abused partner is expected to take so much of the responsibility for the abuse to have started in the first place. Would a wife of a husband who sexually assaults her be told....If you just had more sex with him he would not have to take it from you so violently?

Anyone KWIM? It is shocking to read what I post here...and that is my point. Why is this not considered the trauma that it is...either by society or some professional councelors? Is it because it is so prevalent in todays society that it is so accepted?

God be with me.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:07 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

tushnurse posted 7/7/2013 08:26 AM

The problem with counselors is that anyone can hang a shingle and say they are a counselor. That being said I can also say that if this is the approach of ANY persons or couples counselor they should find a new one. To but ANY blame on the BS for the WS actions is fundamentally wrong. The issue of weak boundaries and poor coping skills on the WS part is what needs to be understood.
Now if your counselor is working more to improve your marriage than deal with the pain of infidelity you HAVE to tell them that NOTHING can improve until you feel that has been addressed discussed and dealt with.

Personally I found that each of us working independently and with each other without someone else stirring the pot was actually more effective once my WS defogged.

mainlyinpain posted 7/7/2013 08:57 AM

What your counselor is addressing with you are your faults of THE MARRIAGE and have naught to do with the Affair. Your wife had many choices to deal with the problems of the marriage. She went outside of the marriage to deal with them, brought another person into the marriage, that was her choice and made your marriage not a marriage but a threesome. What the affair did is catastrophic and was her choice and you have no blame in her choice.


blakesteele posted 7/7/2013 09:18 AM

Funny you should mention this....I JUST communicated my desire to deal with the affair...and save marriage work till this is done.

IC is where I was dealing with the affair....I viewed MC as the place where our M was worked on. I see the errors of my interested in our counselors take on this. I contacted her via email due to holiday weekend.

To be clear....I sense from society this lack of accountability being placed on WS...partly because it is a "quiet" abuse but mostly how lightly infidelity is viewed in society....cutely portrayed as simply wrong souls marrying wrong souls in romantic comedy's, the shear number of affairs around us locally and in the lime light, etc

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:26 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Jennifer99 posted 7/7/2013 09:19 AM

My IC made it clear that what I was going through with WH was abuse and unacceptable and what was I going to do about it from get go. She didn't use the term abuse, I think likely looking down the road thinking I might want to stay but I really saw where she was going. She was all for me and he was what he was, we didn't label him but what his actions were doing to me.

It really helped me feel uncrazy again after years of gaslighting.

It also empowered me enough to start to accept that I wasn't broken, I was reasonable and strong enough to handle all this.

I'd say time for a new IC. I could see where maybe a MC would want to not put all "blame" on one person and instead ask each party to reflect on what they could have done differently for some growth and what they may do differently from then on. This is why I am adamant that WH needs IC before we do MC. My only worry is he'll totally have his IC snowed for so long my kid would be graduating h.s. before we would ever get to MC.

realitybites posted 7/7/2013 09:26 AM

I very much agree with you. Until society itself sees this as not the BS's fault, that the A and their choice to have an A is the WS then unfortunately it will continue.

It is accepted abuse. But it is also accepted by the BS. Meaning if you do not have a fully transparent fully remorseful WS and you have not set your boundries then you yourself in essance are accepting the abuse.

blakesteele posted 7/7/2013 09:32 AM

Reality bites......sad but true words. But then I come back to my vows and my decisions. Am I now to take the "worse" part out of "for better or worse"....basically make the same choice as my wife did? I would say yes if she continued to cheat...but right now she is not.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:35 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Skan posted 7/7/2013 13:13 PM

My MC told FWH from the get go, that there was no point in trying to heal the marriage until FWH took full responsibility and figured out why he thought it was OK to do what he did. He worked on us having methods of communication with each other, dealt with issues that we both had with the marriage and gave us a safe place to express them, however he was very clear and blunt that no matter what issues we might have had, infidelity was NOT an accepted way to deal with those issues and any justification of having the affair because of those issues would not be tolerated. We explored our problems and how we felt about them and how they contributed to the estrangement of our marriage, but the unspoken unless needed reality in the room was that the problems could and should have been handled a different way.

And yes, I agree with you blakesteele. Too many people see this type of abuse as the exception to the rule that you never condone abuse in a marriage.

tushnurse posted 7/8/2013 07:37 AM

As far as it being accepted by society it really is a double edged sword. Many of us choose to keep the A quiet, not tell family friends and loved ones because we dont want to taint our relationships with these people. IT does suck a big one. The thing that I found soooo interesting is that when you do start to share your story, and let people know you find it to be a very common thing. And has been a very common thing going as far back as I can find people to discuss this issue (folks in their 80's). Back then marriages either functioned dysfunctionally when it was discovered, or they did the hard work of R mainly on their own. Then in the late 60s-70s it became much more socially acceptable to D, and we saw those rates skyrocket, I am willing to be 90% of marriages that end in D have some infidelity in them at some point.

Anyway, I guess my point is, many people (OUTSIDE OF THE MEDIA) find it unacceptable, and understand the total devistation it creates, however many people again, choose NOT to divulge what has happened, and therefore it's a silent abuse that is rampant. It has been this way for a very long time.

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