If a man drinks and verbally abuses his wife, causing emotional trauma to her...but they wanted to work on their marriage the counselor would not start therapy with the thought
Okay, he drinks and has caused you emotional harm dear, and that is not constructive to a healthy marriage...but what are you doing to make him drink in the first place? Are you willing to stop doing that so that he can stop drinking? If yes, then this marriage can survive. If no, it is time for you to apologize and leave.
I get the distinct feeling this is how some therapist come at infidelity...and think mine has a slight turn this way as well.
The tones from mine have had the yes, what your wife did was not healthy and destructive to intimacy within your marriage, but you did things that were destructive too...things that left her with unmet needs.
It seems that I am more willing to list and find that which is broken in me and confess them to my wife then she is to do the same for me....enter my faulty coping skills and fear of abandonment.
I just cant think of another form of abuse where the abused partner is expected to take so much of the responsibility for the abuse to have started in the first place. Would a wife of a husband who sexually assaults her be told....If you just had more sex with him he would not have to take it from you so violently?
Anyone KWIM? It is shocking to read what I post here...and that is my point. Why is this not considered the trauma that it is...either by society or some professional councelors? Is it because it is so prevalent in todays society that it is so accepted?
God be with me.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:07 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]
Personally I found that each of us working independently and with each other without someone else stirring the pot was actually more effective once my WS defogged.
IC is where I was dealing with the affair....I viewed MC as the place where our M was worked on. I see the errors of my ways....am interested in our counselors take on this. I contacted her via email due to holiday weekend.
To be clear....I sense from society this lack of accountability being placed on WS...partly because it is a "quiet" abuse but mostly how lightly infidelity is viewed in society....cutely portrayed as simply wrong souls marrying wrong souls in romantic comedy's, the shear number of affairs around us locally and in the lime light, etc
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:26 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]
It really helped me feel uncrazy again after years of gaslighting.
It also empowered me enough to start to accept that I wasn't broken, I was reasonable and strong enough to handle all this.
I'd say time for a new IC. I could see where maybe a MC would want to not put all "blame" on one person and instead ask each party to reflect on what they could have done differently for some growth and what they may do differently from then on. This is why I am adamant that WH needs IC before we do MC. My only worry is he'll totally have his IC snowed for so long my kid would be graduating h.s. before we would ever get to MC.
It is accepted abuse. But it is also accepted by the BS. Meaning if you do not have a fully transparent fully remorseful WS and you have not set your boundries then you yourself in essance are accepting the abuse.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:35 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]
And yes, I agree with you blakesteele. Too many people see this type of abuse as the exception to the rule that you never condone abuse in a marriage.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Anyway, I guess my point is, many people (OUTSIDE OF THE MEDIA) find it unacceptable, and understand the total devistation it creates, however many people again, choose NOT to divulge what has happened, and therefore it's a silent abuse that is rampant. It has been this way for a very long time.