"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

frankiebaby posted 7/7/2013 08:11 AM

A little about me: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=499571&HL=39602

I just hate Facebook so much right now. I'm one in a series of girls on my friends list who have married in the past year, and every time I log on or go out with one of my married friends, it's like rubbing salt on a wound-- they're doing all of these wonderful things, date nights, traveling together, hanging out, taking funny pictures, posting long declarations of love to each other....it's beautiful and they all seem to have such connections to their partners.

I've never had that, I realize. I dated WH for less than a year. We were in separate countries so we barely saw each other. I guess I was persuaded because of the idea of excitement, of something different, something new, and someone to share it with.

The reality is: he doesn't like to go out. Excluding forages to the mall to get food, when we do go out, (I can count it on my fingers in the six months we've been married btw) it's with his friends. I never made a huge deal over it because I'm used to amusing myself, but even at times when I wanted to do something after we married, we always ended up hanging out at home. I traveled twice to see him while we were dating. He never even attempted to come to the United States to see me, as far as I know, just cited how "getting a visa out there is hard."

Not only is he a cheater, he's boring, too. He is so full of shit. He talks and talks and I've never seen anything he says back it up. The first thing I asked him to do for me, he lied about it for months. It wasn't a huge thing (just mailing a letter) but the fact that he made me think it was lost in the post just came back to me now and made me really, really sad. Stupid I know, but....I don't know. I'm just kind of a mess right now.

I just want a real marriage. I Want a partnership. I want someone I can have fun with and create memories with. I want someone that I feel natural around. I want someone who tries to make me better without f*cking lecturing me in the most self-righteous tones EVER all the time. I don't know what a real relationship is supposed to look like. This was supposed to be my first real experience and it's turned out more screwed up than I could ever have thought.

I'm naturally a very shy, very reserved person who was brought up in VERY religious (some who I've described my upbringing to even call it cultish) background, and I know that stunted me emotionally quite a bit. I'm not comfortable or accustomed with giving or receiving affection (it was frowned upon as being excessive and unseemly). Never saw my parents be openly affectionate and didn't date at all. This was a real point of contention early in our relationship as he thought me cold and unemotional and unresponsive, until a friend of mine broke it down for him and told him that he would eventually get the best of me, but it would take time. And I tried. Jesus Christ, I tried. But I couldn't fawn over him and bill and coo like he's used to from women in the past, and now I can't help but wonder if that contributed to this....if effectively, I caused this, if by not forcing myself to be all lovey-dovey and posting on FB about how much I loved him every three and a half seconds and leaving notes in his lunch box and saying "I love you" before I was ready (he nagged me about that about a month after we started dating) and doing all the things that would "affirm" our relationship-- in his eyes anyway.

I was getting better. I really was. I was opening up, trying to learn to love him the way he wanted trying to show it in action even if I couldn't always in words, but....six weeks? Really? He gave up on me after SIX weeks?

Part of me thinks that I must have been worse than I thought, and that this actually is partially my fault.

I just can't believe this is my life. I keep waiting to wake up, you know? I'm jealous of those who have good relationships and I'm heartbroken that my marriage will never, ever be like that. Nothing can change what's happened. Nothing.

Thanks for listening everyone. God, I feel so over dramatic right now but it feels good to get it out, rambly as it is. I would be a wreck without this site.

[This message edited by frankiebaby at 9:24 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 7/7/2013 09:29 AM

(((frankiebaby))) Has anything changed since this thread that you linked here, frankiebaby?

What was the result of your tests when you had thrush? Have you moved in with your kind older friend? Have you confronted your WH?

No, you aren't dramatic. This is your life and your WH turned it into a melodramatic soap opera, not you. All your feelings are normal and justified.

Do you still want to end this marriage? It sounds like it would be the wise thing for you to do since you don't have children and you are so young and there are so many good men out there just waiting for a good woman like you.

eta: fix spelling

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:30 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

frankiebaby posted 7/7/2013 09:49 AM

I'm still here. I haven't confronted him or told him anything-- and results on HPV and other viruses were clear, thank God.

Right now I'm working on getting a job so that my work Visa will be settled, and I can move out. That should be taken care of by the end of the month. I haven't told my parents anything. I'm afraid they're going to try and make us work it out or talk it through or whatever, and that's the last thing I want to do.

Funny enough, the other night he was talking about couples that break up over infidelity and was complaining that "if they really loved each other, they would try and work it out." Just made me so angry. I just want to be away from him. I want to confront him desperately, but I don't want him to overbear me into staying simply because I haven't got any other option. It will be miserable in that house if that is the case.

RedRaven6500 posted 7/7/2013 10:01 AM

(((frankiebaby)))

I too can be very reserved in my affections. My fWH has told me this many times throughout our marriage. I try very hard to be more affectionate and openly loving, but it is SO hard. I had a difficult upbringing in my youth sometimes. I wasn't physically abused, but I was emotionally abused by my parents. They divorced when I was 6-7 and my sister and I were used as pawns in their sick games. I learned not to trust or expect much from anyone, then I wouldn't get hurt. I know this is why I tell my self I "don't care" much for birthdays, celebrations, or anything where gifts, etc. are exchanged and all of the emotions that go along with it. I tell myself that it is unimportant, that way if I don't have any expectations, then I won't hurt when they aren't met. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself, I know this. I also take a lot of responsibility for my marriage not being the best that it could be (Although, I take NO responsibility for the PAs/EAs, that's all for my fWH to deal with. He should have divorced me instead of cheating on me if my "issues" bothered him so much.) I feel for you and have a bit of an idea where you are coming from. Unfortunately if your husband is unwilling to work on your marriage, then there isn't a whole lot you can do. One-sided marriages just don't work IMHO.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/7/2013 10:19 AM

I agree, frankie, to keep your cards close to your vest. If you are determined to end your marriage, you don't need to confront. You need to get your ducks in a row and that seems to be what you are doing. Then, when your ducks are in a row, you can confront and leave and have very little to do with him ever again.

I also agree about not telling your parents. As you have stated, they are very conservative Christians, I would imagine they would try to persuade you to work on the marriage.

I am glad your tests came back negative.

he was talking about couples that break up over infidelity and was complaining that "if they really loved each other, they would try and work it out."

I bet that made you angry! The audacity of some WS's is just overwhelming at times.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/7/2013 15:01 PM

Hi Frankie,

I just wanted to say that I agree 100% with Sister Milkshake's posts.

Also, in terms of your friends, I know. This will be hard, but try to be happy for them and thankful that you have their happy marriages to compare to. One day, with a new man that deserves you, that will be you.

July will go fast. Get that job! Good luck.

...and don't be so hard on yourself, girl! :). Shit, you've just been through hell, but you're on your way out.

frankiebaby posted 7/8/2013 08:46 AM

I bet that made you angry! The audacity of some WS's is just overwhelming at times.

If I could have killed him at that moment, I would have done it and gone to jail. Happily. SMH. Anyway, it's just more ammo to use the day I pack out of the house. I want him to feel like he's been run over by the Shock Truck.

movingforward13 posted 7/8/2013 11:33 AM

Again, I am so jealous of you... Waiting to confront like this. I wish you could video tape it so everyone can see his face. You are so smart and patient. I admire you girly.

Take2 posted 7/11/2013 19:21 PM

Frankie, my folks were married for 55 years (my father passed then). They weren't openly physically affectionate, hand holders, or kissing in public. They were intellectually affectionate (if you will) joking, kidding, playful and witty with each other. They raised 8 kids together, and shelter four others. Then ran up to four businesses together, and traveled together.

Not all marriages look the same - and not all strong marriages are comprised of fawning over your spouse...

Don't give up hope on a good marriage in your future and don't try to be someone you aren't for someone else. Don't buy into the idea that if you had coo'ed and fawned over him things would be different. He talked about his "sinful" past and then he brought his baggage with him. This is not about you!!

Case in point:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

^He's a "man of god?" a minister? the spiritual head of your household? -- He made it six weeks!!! Epic fail!!
I repeat - this is not about you!!!!