A little about me: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=499571&HL=39602
I just hate Facebook so much right now. I'm one in a series of girls on my friends list who have married in the past year, and every time I log on or go out with one of my married friends, it's like rubbing salt on a wound-- they're doing all of these wonderful things, date nights, traveling together, hanging out, taking funny pictures, posting long declarations of love to each other....it's beautiful and they all seem to have such connections to their partners.
I've never had that, I realize. I dated WH for less than a year. We were in separate countries so we barely saw each other. I guess I was persuaded because of the idea of excitement, of something different, something new, and someone to share it with.
The reality is: he doesn't like to go out. Excluding forages to the mall to get food, when we do go out, (I can count it on my fingers in the six months we've been married btw) it's with his friends. I never made a huge deal over it because I'm used to amusing myself, but even at times when I wanted to do something after we married, we always ended up hanging out at home. I traveled twice to see him while we were dating. He never even attempted to come to the United States to see me, as far as I know, just cited how "getting a visa out there is hard."
Not only is he a cheater, he's boring, too. He is so full of shit. He talks and talks and I've never seen anything he says back it up. The first thing I asked him to do for me, he lied about it for months. It wasn't a huge thing (just mailing a letter) but the fact that he made me think it was lost in the post just came back to me now and made me really, really sad. Stupid I know, but....I don't know. I'm just kind of a mess right now.
I just want a real marriage. I Want a partnership. I want someone I can have fun with and create memories with. I want someone that I feel natural around. I want someone who tries to make me better without f*cking lecturing me in the most self-righteous tones EVER all the time. I don't know what a real relationship is supposed to look like. This was supposed to be my first real experience and it's turned out more screwed up than I could ever have thought.
I'm naturally a very shy, very reserved person who was brought up in VERY religious (some who I've described my upbringing to even call it cultish) background, and I know that stunted me emotionally quite a bit. I'm not comfortable or accustomed with giving or receiving affection (it was frowned upon as being excessive and unseemly). Never saw my parents be openly affectionate and didn't date at all. This was a real point of contention early in our relationship as he thought me cold and unemotional and unresponsive, until a friend of mine broke it down for him and told him that he would eventually get the best of me, but it would take time. And I tried. Jesus Christ, I tried. But I couldn't fawn over him and bill and coo like he's used to from women in the past, and now I can't help but wonder if that contributed to this....if effectively, I caused this, if by not forcing myself to be all lovey-dovey and posting on FB about how much I loved him every three and a half seconds and leaving notes in his lunch box and saying "I love you" before I was ready (he nagged me about that about a month after we started dating) and doing all the things that would "affirm" our relationship-- in his eyes anyway.
I was getting better. I really was. I was opening up, trying to learn to love him the way he wanted trying to show it in action even if I couldn't always in words, but....six weeks? Really? He gave up on me after SIX weeks?
Part of me thinks that I must have been worse than I thought, and that this actually is partially my fault.
I just can't believe this is my life. I keep waiting to wake up, you know? I'm jealous of those who have good relationships and I'm heartbroken that my marriage will never, ever be like that. Nothing can change what's happened. Nothing.
Thanks for listening everyone. God, I feel so over dramatic right now but it feels good to get it out, rambly as it is. I would be a wreck without this site.
[This message edited by frankiebaby at 9:24 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]