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OW may actually be empathetic & helpful

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GSmom posted 7/7/2013 10:23 AM

I did it. I contacted her, against the better advice from many, I know, and with great anxiety. I sent her a short text yesterday morning demanding that she stop interfering with my marriage and find someone else, preferably an unmarried man.

My reasoning for this communication was partly based on forcing an issue - though my H said he hadn't been in contact with her since he last agreed to cut it off (about 2 weeks ago) I felt that the text might push her to complain about it/me and I wanted to see his reaction to be able to gauge the truth of what he was telling me about contact. Convoluted reasoning, maybe, but mine.

Yesterday afternoon she called me (first time ever in 6 years). I was driving from Michigan to NY with my daughter and almost didn't take the call, but decided after the second ring to answer, steeling myself for what would come next.

She very politely said she had received a text from my number that morning and I said 'yes'. She said the message said leave my marriage alone and I said 'yes'. She said "Is this a joke?" and asked me my name. I told her and she said "are you related to GSdad, and I said yes, I'm his wife. And she lost it. She was I think truly surprised and shocked and angry, etc. I know I may be acting gullible, again, but I somehow felt her response was genuine.

We talked for about 90 minutes, comparing notes and sharing what we knew and I think I have finally heard the whole/most of the whole story. And others here were so right, there was so much more to know. But I feel mostly relieved. I'm still get some fleeting doubts about her and everything she said, but I think for the most part it's all true and accurate.

I now have to figure out what my next step is in confronting (again, for the way too many times) my H. But now, I'm ready to push him out. He is really a manipulative liar and he has tried to maintain 2 lives, one with her and one with me.

I'm at my daughter's home, trying to help her get ready for her first baby while her husband is deployed in Afghanistan, and I won't leave to go back and take care of this for a few more days. Which is probably good because it gives me time to plot how I will lower the boom. But I am ready. It has taken me almost 6 years of on and off mixed motivation and belief, but I am ready. I have the confirmation, from her, of what he has tried to (and has rather successfully succeeded in) keeping from me.

Any advice on this kind of determined confrontation would be appreciated.

Please wish me luck and courage.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/7/2013 10:38 AM

The OW was unaware that your WH was married? Is she going to confront him and end it or what? Was this strictly an emotional affair?

I don't have any advice on how to confront your WH except to not make any threats you aren't willing to carry out. Just wanted to let you know that you were heard and to give you a hug. (((GSmom)))

P.S. congrats, Grandma!

confused615 posted 7/7/2013 10:39 AM

You sound like you're done. So..why confront him? That will give him an opportunity to lie to you some more..or hurt you more...either way..why bother?

Have him served with divorce papers...the BEST way to "lower the boom."

FWIW...I contacted the AP the day after dday. I have never regretted it. WH had lied to me about something pretty significant..and when I told him I had emailed the AP,he admitted he had lied...the AP confirmed everything..and gave me way more details than WH ever would have. The AP was honest with me...I have since found evidence to prove this to be true.

GSmom posted 7/7/2013 11:45 AM

Sister, thanks! I'm really excited about her baby. It's a first grandchild. And yes, the OW said he had told her for 6 years that he was divorced. It has been an emotional affair, though he has tried at times to meet up with her, she has kept him at arm's length until the past year. She assured me there has been no physical contact and I believe that because of the distance between us (thousands of miles) and my husband's cheapness
She revealed lots of details from his e-mails and text messages and said that when she asked him about his divorce he evaded all detail except to say it wasn't anything he wanted to talk about and it wasn't my fault or his fault (big of him). He's told her all about our son and daughter and their lives and sent photos etc. Ironically he called me right after I finished my conversation with her and I was so angry that I was very snippy with him while he was trying to be jolly and happy. I didn't want to give away my anger right then because I want to be face to face and I want to think it over before I speak.

Dear confused, no the marriage is not 'over' at this point. I choose to be married to him if he can truly find remorse, become introspective about his actions and feelings and make a committment to making me happy. We have been married for 40 years and I have a lot invested in this marriage, children, property, and financial health. What I meant was my demeanor is changed from trying to find ways to believe in him to erasing the slate and being determined that if he wants to be in a marriage with me he has some heavy duty work to do and no more excuses. And if not, I'm ready to then choose not to share any of the above with him any longer if he can't/won't do what is necessary to fix himself and this mess he has created.

The OW has agreed to not respond to any of his contacts to her while I'm with my daughter. She said I had the right for the first blows at him. I've agreed to let her know after I confront him, and if she wants to give him her wrath, I'm fine with that too. We were almost conspiring on the phone about how to fix his wagon, so to speak.

I'm not totally sure she's as innocent as she says - I mean if you google my husband's name information comes up with me and our address and phone numbers, etc. but maybe because she really hasn't been interested in the previous 5 years other than just as a friend (they were high school classmates) she didn't do that kind of sleuthing that many of us might do. (???)

RedRaven6500 posted 7/7/2013 11:52 AM

The OW#1 was very helpful and truthful to me. We are still friends to this day. She HATES my fWH, and has told him that if he ever hurts me again that she will hurt him. I'm sure it is her way if atoning for her past lies early in their PA. OW#2 emailed me a couple times apologizing, contacted H to bitch him out and has had no contact since. Ow#3 went bat-shit crazy and not only lied about being pregnant to try, once and for all, to destroy the marriage she was told was "only for the kids", but tried to contact my daughter in college to get her involved, amongst many, many, MANY other horrible actions and lies. Needless to say she wasn't helpful at all. OW#4 was an EA through email. She contacted me to apologize, but then turned around and told WH " I'm here for you if you need me" Barf! He hasn't contacted her since that email. Geez what a mess. Thank god for the support from OW#1. We have helped each other so much.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/7/2013 11:54 AM

As helpful and as sincere as OW may be or sounded to be, it would be wise not to trust her 100%. Really, she is a complete stranger to you. She really shouldn't be privy to what goes on between you and WH. And, I wouldn't 100% trust her to not tell your WH that you know all about it now before you have a chance to confront.

Just proceed with extreme caution with OW.

ElectricBlue posted 7/7/2013 17:30 PM

I agree with Sister, proceed with caution. Caution is always wise as we deal with our cheating husbands and their OW. But I also believe in that rare OW who is actually kind and regretful and wants to help you any way she can. OW#1 has been that way in my case. She was more open and helpful and honest than WH ever was. She was sick with guilt and full of compassion for me. She actually took her cues from me and behaved exactly as I wanted her too. If I told her to disappear, she did. If I texted or called and wanted to talk, she would. She'd act the way my WH SHOULD have acted. She answered the same questions a hundred times over, never got impatient, never got defensive, was always open and contrite. She asked for my forgiveness but also said if I could never give it to her, it was her cross to bear, not mine. If she was the person I'd married, we could probably have made it through this mess. :/ Sadly even though my WH has never "gotten it", this particular OW definitely got it. It does happen.

GSmom posted 7/7/2013 17:44 PM

Dear Sister & Electric Blue,
Thanks for the reminder. I know I need to be cautious. I think it was just such a relief to find someone who told me what resonates as the truth about so many things, as my H has only admitted and acknowledge those facts that I have presented as being confident in knowing (and they are few and far between, but with lots of suspicions inbetween). I recognize, though, that she may have issues to gloss over in terms of her actions and ideas. The clincher, though, was her recommendation that I take care of some financial issues before I confront him with what I now know. She was truly concerned that I might be victimized by him.

Blking, thanks for the validation that I'm not being a total idiot to believe this woman and that you've had experience that was similar. That helps me feel more confidant in trusting her over these next few days.

Kalliopeia posted 7/7/2013 17:48 PM

OW really get bashed here and probably there are a lot of messed up ones out there.

My personal belief is that both OW and BW are getting played in a lot of ways.

Everyone but the perp ends up feeling emotionally defrauded.

I wish I had your calm.

Jospehine85 posted 7/7/2013 19:02 PM

OW really get bashed here and probably there are a lot of messed up ones out there.
My personal belief is that both OW and BW are getting played in a lot of ways.

Everyone but the perp ends up feeling emotionally defrauded.

I agree.^^^ A friend of mine was dating a divorced man with 2 kids who turned out to be a married man with 4 kids. She was an unknowing OW and was quite forthcoming and considerate to the BS.

My brother is a WS and I know he lied to his OW telling her he was divorcing. It was easy to maintain a double life because he traveled for work.

Then you have my WH's OW. Knew he was married. Knew he had kids. Admitting to stalking him. Admitted she got a kick out of arranging fights for him to pick with me. Enjoyed hearing about them afterwards.

Some AP are victims. Some are just broken people who need help. Some are just seriously personality disordered.

GSmom, I am glad the OW was able to answer questions for you. It must be a huge relief.

I am not sure how you should confront. You could insist he get IC to figure out why he did it, but I have learned with my WH that you can drag a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

I don't think you should make any threats like "do this or I will divorce you". But you should probably say something along the lines of "I am not happy in this M. I have realized I want X,Y and Z from a spouse and I am not getting it from you. How do we resolve this?"

I think his reaction to a legitimate request like that would be telling.

GSmom posted 7/7/2013 19:43 PM

Thanks Josephine - your suggestion is very helpful. I have been vacillating between telling him to leave the house to just telling him that I've talked with his OW and I now know everything. But I didn't know how to phrase what I wanted to say next.

Your solution seems just right and would be the perfect way to lead into the kind of conversation I'd like to have with him. And you're right- his response would be very telling.

RockyMtn posted 7/7/2013 21:02 PM

My piece of advice is to cut the OW loose after the confrontations. I can understand wanting to clue her in once you're "done" and you may want an update after she confronts him (although that would not be think about that). After that - let it go. I think it is far too tempting to want to remain connected to anyone who was wronged by the A. In your case, it is the OW. In most other cases, it is the OBS.

Just make sure you don't allow this triangle to proceed any longer than it needs to, even if it is the OW being contrite or conspiring with you or whatever.

GSmom posted 7/7/2013 22:50 PM

Rocky MT, thanks. I hadn't considered it a triangle, but you are right. I think that's a good warning. I hadn't thought about it in that way. It could become quite a problem.

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