DDays were June 10th and 13th. I have been in a downward spiral rollercoaster since the moment he said "Baby, I love you and I have always loved you, but I did something I'm not proud of". Then he proceeded to tell me that he had gone after work, under the guise of working late to earn extra money to support our family and went to an adult 'movie theater' to have a random sexual encounter with a man, on two different occasions *neither man the same man*
My world and self worth was ripped out from underneath me and I have been sinking in despair ever since. It took approx 3 weeks to get most of the details from him. Even though he has an issue with the truth and accepting his own "responsibility" of the instances that occurred. He is still here in the home. I had kicked him out after DDay2. Which lasted all of a couple days. My two young ones, aged 11 and 9. were crying out repeatedly for their father and it broke my heart beyond belief. I grew up in a broken home and had thought I had done everything in my power to ensure THAT would not happen to them.
Since then I have been flailing (correct word) in an attempt to gain understanding and reason. Nothing he says seems to come into my heart, because he is so masterful at lying and manipulating. I can't pull anything he states into my core and trust it. He was the one however that mentioned MC.
Yesterday was our first appointment, So basically an evaluation. The counselor met with both of us together, Then separately, then met with me once more. During my first solo set with the counselor. He had asked me questions like "What do you want out of this mariage". I basically stated that I had wanted to be loved, have someone who wanted to understand me and be my best friend. I wanted to fulfill my vows. I am not aware of what the encounter for my WH was with the counselor. But when I went back to speak with the counselor after his meeting with WH. He told me. Your husband is emotionally unavailable to you, for whatever reason. I'm not even sure if your husband understands why. But through his choices and actions is showing you that he can not emotionally invest in you and have that kind of intimacy you desire. So he seeks out other men, which involve encounters that lack emotion. His straying isn't about you, it has nothing to do with you. But his own conflicts within him which need to be resolved. I am worried about you and your mental health and You need to become a healthier you. He needs his own help, which will be up to him if he chooses it and commits to it. You don't need to focus on him or that at this time. But on yourself. Will you commit to yourself. At this time I can not rightfully engage you both in marital counseling, You both are on different tracks. You keep trying pulling him closer to you, and He, for whatever reason, pulls further away from you."
I committed to myself(future appts, can call the counselors cell and will follow through with therapy), in the same regard I will have to and struggle with learning how not to feel selfish about having my needs met. I am so accustomed to swallowing everything that I "can live without" that I never placed my needs anywhere in my sight. My kids came first, My husband came first, My neighbors came first.. I would even help a stranger before I ever put my needs in the way. I had never realized that I thought so little of myself and unworthy of what people normally have in their life, that I was forcing myself to suffer. This is something that the counselor brought to my attention.
I know that the counselor is right. My kids old pediatrician (Rest in peace) used to tell me, that I didn't wear the right hats. I wore my mom hat, and the wife hat, that I never wore a hat for myself and that it wasn't healthy. I just thought, at the time, it was just some old school rhetoric he had for moms of many children. But now I see....... I Finally See! I can look at myself and see that I have allowed myself to go without clothes for years to ensure the kids had food and clothes for themselves. That my husband had clothes and food for work. That I haven't bought makeup in 10 years, that I don't own a dress. That I had eliminated friends and family because it caused me stress to feel that I was taking my attention away from my family. I stopped reading books because he felt ignored when I did. I no longer go out into the outdoors and do the things I liked to do before I met him, simply because he didn't "like that" I had completely denied myself...of myself..
My pain has been great over this last month. I have fought to have the truth, I have fought for him to see the hurt he has caused. He still can't face his own truths and will not be able to see mine. After counseling, I had to come to terms that being with him, and my dreams of growing old with him and an unbroken family for my children, may not be the reality I should strive for like I have. So I was broken and crying uncontrollably for the rest of the day yesterday. I did however have a heart felt talk. Opening up to him (WH) my dreams that I had held secret, of the hopes that I had protected within me. That had binded me to him so strongly all these years. I verbally wrapped them up in a perfect package, with bows and a card that read 'These were my dreams for us, I can no longer protect them, they are now yours, you can place whatever value you want upon them, but what you do with them is your choice. I no longer have the strength to hold these in my heart. From now on, I am focused on me, will be finding myself again, will be a better person in the end, and it will be up to you if you are there at the finish line."
I have been vising this site for 3 weeks. I have laughed and cried with many of you from the shadows I lurked from. I wasn't exactly sure where to post, because I do welcome WS's and BH's comments.
Hi, I am LostOnLI... I have been broken and missing pieces I did not know how to look for. But I will find myself again. It is nice to finally come out of the shadows and meet you all.
( I hope that there is some sense made in my post. I am not used to confiding or sharing with anyone, so this is all new to me. Please forgive any mistakes or lack of appropriate norms. Most of this is just the Crux of what is occurring, there is much more of the past that I did not include, but will divulge as time goes on and I feel safe to share. Safety is so hard to fathom right now.)