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LostOnLI posted 7/7/2013 10:27 AM

DDays were June 10th and 13th. I have been in a downward spiral rollercoaster since the moment he said "Baby, I love you and I have always loved you, but I did something I'm not proud of". Then he proceeded to tell me that he had gone after work, under the guise of working late to earn extra money to support our family and went to an adult 'movie theater' to have a random sexual encounter with a man, on two different occasions *neither man the same man*

My world and self worth was ripped out from underneath me and I have been sinking in despair ever since. It took approx 3 weeks to get most of the details from him. Even though he has an issue with the truth and accepting his own "responsibility" of the instances that occurred. He is still here in the home. I had kicked him out after DDay2. Which lasted all of a couple days. My two young ones, aged 11 and 9. were crying out repeatedly for their father and it broke my heart beyond belief. I grew up in a broken home and had thought I had done everything in my power to ensure THAT would not happen to them.

Since then I have been flailing (correct word) in an attempt to gain understanding and reason. Nothing he says seems to come into my heart, because he is so masterful at lying and manipulating. I can't pull anything he states into my core and trust it. He was the one however that mentioned MC.

Yesterday was our first appointment, So basically an evaluation. The counselor met with both of us together, Then separately, then met with me once more. During my first solo set with the counselor. He had asked me questions like "What do you want out of this mariage". I basically stated that I had wanted to be loved, have someone who wanted to understand me and be my best friend. I wanted to fulfill my vows. I am not aware of what the encounter for my WH was with the counselor. But when I went back to speak with the counselor after his meeting with WH. He told me. Your husband is emotionally unavailable to you, for whatever reason. I'm not even sure if your husband understands why. But through his choices and actions is showing you that he can not emotionally invest in you and have that kind of intimacy you desire. So he seeks out other men, which involve encounters that lack emotion. His straying isn't about you, it has nothing to do with you. But his own conflicts within him which need to be resolved. I am worried about you and your mental health and You need to become a healthier you. He needs his own help, which will be up to him if he chooses it and commits to it. You don't need to focus on him or that at this time. But on yourself. Will you commit to yourself. At this time I can not rightfully engage you both in marital counseling, You both are on different tracks. You keep trying pulling him closer to you, and He, for whatever reason, pulls further away from you."

I committed to myself(future appts, can call the counselors cell and will follow through with therapy), in the same regard I will have to and struggle with learning how not to feel selfish about having my needs met. I am so accustomed to swallowing everything that I "can live without" that I never placed my needs anywhere in my sight. My kids came first, My husband came first, My neighbors came first.. I would even help a stranger before I ever put my needs in the way. I had never realized that I thought so little of myself and unworthy of what people normally have in their life, that I was forcing myself to suffer. This is something that the counselor brought to my attention.

I know that the counselor is right. My kids old pediatrician (Rest in peace) used to tell me, that I didn't wear the right hats. I wore my mom hat, and the wife hat, that I never wore a hat for myself and that it wasn't healthy. I just thought, at the time, it was just some old school rhetoric he had for moms of many children. But now I see....... I Finally See! I can look at myself and see that I have allowed myself to go without clothes for years to ensure the kids had food and clothes for themselves. That my husband had clothes and food for work. That I haven't bought makeup in 10 years, that I don't own a dress. That I had eliminated friends and family because it caused me stress to feel that I was taking my attention away from my family. I stopped reading books because he felt ignored when I did. I no longer go out into the outdoors and do the things I liked to do before I met him, simply because he didn't "like that" I had completely denied myself...of myself..

My pain has been great over this last month. I have fought to have the truth, I have fought for him to see the hurt he has caused. He still can't face his own truths and will not be able to see mine. After counseling, I had to come to terms that being with him, and my dreams of growing old with him and an unbroken family for my children, may not be the reality I should strive for like I have. So I was broken and crying uncontrollably for the rest of the day yesterday. I did however have a heart felt talk. Opening up to him (WH) my dreams that I had held secret, of the hopes that I had protected within me. That had binded me to him so strongly all these years. I verbally wrapped them up in a perfect package, with bows and a card that read 'These were my dreams for us, I can no longer protect them, they are now yours, you can place whatever value you want upon them, but what you do with them is your choice. I no longer have the strength to hold these in my heart. From now on, I am focused on me, will be finding myself again, will be a better person in the end, and it will be up to you if you are there at the finish line."

I have been vising this site for 3 weeks. I have laughed and cried with many of you from the shadows I lurked from. I wasn't exactly sure where to post, because I do welcome WS's and BH's comments.

Hi, I am LostOnLI... I have been broken and missing pieces I did not know how to look for. But I will find myself again. It is nice to finally come out of the shadows and meet you all.

( I hope that there is some sense made in my post. I am not used to confiding or sharing with anyone, so this is all new to me. Please forgive any mistakes or lack of appropriate norms. Most of this is just the Crux of what is occurring, there is much more of the past that I did not include, but will divulge as time goes on and I feel safe to share. Safety is so hard to fathom right now.)

wannarun posted 7/7/2013 11:25 AM

Your post made me cry!! You and I are cut from the same cloth and I too have no idea where to begin!! I'm two years in and nothing still seems real or genuine!! You have a good counselor keep going they are hard to find

Skan posted 7/7/2013 13:37 PM

Welcome. Please keep coming back, we're all here to support you. Your IC sounds like a gem.

painpaingoaway posted 7/7/2013 13:52 PM

Oh sweetie I am so sorry.

It sounds like you have a wonderful counselor that has given you some fantastic advice, and you seem to be absorbing it well.

However, I must say that what your counselor so eloquently stated meant this: your husband is continuing to betray your marriage, he is probably gay or bi and trying to 'figure it out' while still having his family intact, I can not in good faith counsel a couple in which one partner is still cheating, it is in your best interest to prepare yourself for to be alone.

Stay strong Hon, you are on the right path.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 1:53 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Jospehine85 posted 7/7/2013 19:32 PM


I think there are many of us on SI who discovered on Dday that the person we thought we were married to never really existed. It is devastating.

Sounds like you have an excellent IC and are heading in the right direction taking care of yourself.

LostOnLI posted 7/8/2013 11:11 AM

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome,kind understanding and words of encouragement.

I do not believe that he is gay. I have known of his bisexuality since early on in our marriage. I am bisexual as well, but being bisexual has never hindered my monogamy. I had thought it was the same for us both in regards to our marriage. The cheating affected me the same as it would have if it were to have been a woman. I did however state to him yesterday, that if he feels in any way that he might possibly be gay to please set me free, cause that is something that is a part of him that he couldn't change. And in that case, we would both deserve to find ourselves and be happy.

His excuse for straying was along the lines of that he is miserable in his life, and that he had been so good (Never cheating, working his job ect.) that he felt he needed to do something that was different in his life. That may have been what he told himself. But I believe there are deeper issues within him that only he can work through(He is Asian, and was adopted into a white/Italian/Irish family ( I am white as well) and always felt and looked different from everyone. Felt detached from life ect.. Family of Origin issues? Just like I have my own issues I need to focus on that kept me bound to him.

He tells me that it is hard to change and create change in life. I pointed out the fact that he created change when he cheated, that I and the kids have had to change in the aftermath.. Change is easy. Accepting it, maybe not so much.

some background into this. He was diagnosed Borderline Personality about 8 years ago. I still can't fully comprehend the diagnosis though I have struggled throughout the years to understand. I actually want him retested to see more along where he resides most in the spectrum of personality disorders. Even if I don't stay married to him.

The counselor doesn't seem to think that the personality disorder is an excuse to his behavior throughout our marriage. That was a bit of an eye opener. My husband had fallen back on the Dx as his catchall excuse and I fell for it every time. I didn't want to be insensitive to his disorder. I guess in a way I should see myself as an enabler? He had no accountability all that time.

I guess I'll begin to understand more as counseling progresses. He is worried that I'll "grow balls" during my therapy. I told him I will "grow balls" he can admire how massive they become. Since he likes balls... (Yes I can be a bitch) He is worried I will close the door to him completely. I told him I can't worry about that door at this time. That I'll reevaluate the door at a later time. He claims to want help and to stay married. He is to receive a call this week to schedule counseling. If he progresses in his counseling, the counselors will evaluate whether marriage counseling is an option.

I know I have my own issues to work through. I was raped as a young child and lived with many of the repercussions until Feb of this year, where I had a surgery to fix some of the damage that resulted of it. My mother couldn't love me, and was later diagnosed bi-polar well into my 20's. My father had also molested me when I was a preteen. My mother blamed me for that. My mother couldn't attach to my sister either and I ended up raising her from the ages of 15-21( I was age 24-30), along with my 4 children. My Sister also shows the signs of my mother's disorder and I feel is bi-polar, but she will not seek help.

So I know I have a big web of issues to untangle.

I do want to say, If I had posted before I had met with the counselor, I would have been only about his betrayal and my pain and how my kids suffer. Meeting with the counselor, gave me new hope for the kids and I. It's no longer about him and his infidelity. His cheating has no power over me now. Especially since I got tested and was found free of disease.

When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them. - Andy Warhol

I do want to and He won't stop me.

Thank you all..From the bottom of my heart.

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