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First Time Seeing Him, I Survived

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Spitfire77 posted 7/7/2013 10:49 AM

I hadn't seen him since he left for the training school where he met the OW/GF. He moved to Oregon to be with her, driving past where the kids were with my parents without even stopping to see them.

He refused to give me his GF's address so my lawyer could serve him with the divorce complaint. When I finally got it from him, he said he wanted to come down to visit the kids. It's a 10 hour trip each way, but while he was in training with the GF, he was "too busy" to take a five hour drive to come visit us at home. Not to mention, it would have been only an hour out of his way to see the kids when he was driving cross country.

Anyway, he came down for the 4th and 5th. It was not as bad as I had prepared myself for, but still pretty bad. According to him, the divorce is all my fault. He told the kids this. He forgets that I offered him a 3rd (4th?) chance in early February that if he wanted to move to Cali with me and see if we could work things out, he just had to end it with the OW/GF, but he said he didn't want to. He told me I'll always be unhappy. That I'm emotionally needy. That one made me laugh, as he's the one who had affairs when he felt I wasn't "adoring" him anymore.

The visit was surreal. We had moments where we laughed like we were still best friends and lovers. But then he'd do things that reminded me why I'm going down this road. I cried a lot after he left. Not because I missed him or wanted him back, but because I missed the dream of what I thought we were going to have.

Now he's back in Oregon, living with his 21 year old girlfriend and her 18 year old brother. No job, is too "good" for a minimum wage job that would help him support his kids. He's not the man I thought I married, at least not anymore.

nowiknow23 posted 7/7/2013 10:54 AM

Projection and blameshifting at it's finest, honey. But you already know that.

((((spitfire & kids))))

Spitfire77 posted 7/7/2013 12:49 PM


So he and the kids Skyped this morning. DS(6) was talking on Skype with STBX about how the divorce makes him sad. STBX made a reference that Aurora was the only Disney Princess with both of her parents. OW/GF was laughing during the conversation; and DS, being only six years old, thought she was laughing at him. So DS told STBX that he was done talking and walked away.

I told STBX that none of this is funny, and I'm the one dealing with the sadness and anger. He said "She wasn't laughing at his sadness. My apologies." I texted back "Grow up, both of you." He said "I'm apologizing. If it's worth anything, she's sorry, too. It wasn't aimed at him or his sadness in any way." No, her apology is worth absolutely nothing, much like yours, STBX.

SBB posted 7/7/2013 17:55 PM


That is so fucking insensitive. Big hugs to your little man - he's more of a man than his father.

There are a few great kids books out there - I've been reading "Dinosaur Divorce", "When My Parents Forgot to Be Friends" and "Two Houses".

I don't think a kids book has been written yet with how to cope with a POS father.

If you can I'd talk to the school about counselling. We'll re-partner and move on with our lives - our kids will have to deal with this shit for the rest of their lives.

I'm so very sorry. I personally could not stand to be in his presence for longer than a Parent/Teacher meeting. I wouldn't subject yourself to it in future - I would ask him to take the kids out for a day at his next visit.

He's not the man I thought I married, at least not anymore.

I've come to the painful realisation that this is the guy I married - I fell in love with the mask he always wore. I saw glimpses of this horrible guy at various times throughout the 9.5 years I spent with him but I always dismissed those as 'out of character'. Truth is those glimpses showed me his true character.

We are not only mourning the end of our marriages and of our dreams of how I life was going to be, we are also mourning the death of the men we married and also the fact that we were never going to have those lives we dreamed of with these lower muppets.

Sending you strength and healing friend.

Spitfire77 posted 7/7/2013 19:58 PM

Thank you so much for the book recommendations. I just ordered them.

I don't understand how a man can be so insensitive to the children he claims to love so much.

TrustGone posted 7/8/2013 12:36 PM

He can be insensitive because that is who he really is and has always been. He only showed you the good side before the A. His main purpose in life is himself. He did not value you or his children enough to not throw it all alway for a 21yr old immature girl, who he is now showing all his great lies and false personality upon. Just be glad you don't have him anywhere near you and the children. As they get older his actions will distance them from him even more. Just shower them with love and be the best parent you can be. ((((HUGS))))

josie11 posted 7/8/2013 18:06 PM

I don't think a kids book has been written yet with how to cope with a POS father.

In a way, "Peter Pan" in that story. The more authentic "Peter Pan," I mean, not the Disney version.

The subtext of Peter Pan is the peril of dealing with a treacherous and selfish father figure. That's why Mr. Darling and Caption Hook are always played by the same actor onstage. They're doppelgangers. Peter Pan teaches children that adults can be perfidious, which is a hard lesson to learn.

Peter triumphs of course, and never buys any of Captain Hook's tricks.

I grew up on the Cyril Ritchard version. We had a VHS of it when my children were little; they adored it.

Who's the swiniest swine in world?
Who's the dirtiest dog in this wonderful world?
Who's the slimiest rat in the pack?

Who's unlovable?
Who's unlivable?
Whose behavior is quite unforgivable?
Who would stoop to the cheapest and lowest
Of tricks in the book?

Blimy, slimy Captain Hook!

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