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DevastatedTwice posted 7/7/2013 11:11 AM

I haven't posted here in a long time. My ex and I were high school sweethearts and he was my only love ever. We were extremely close and best friends for so long.

His first affair was so devastating but during our reconciliation, he did EVERYTHING that every BS would want on here. He was amazing. The missing key was digging into his whys and he ended up having affair number two and three. He has emotionally destroyed me.

When I found out about the last affair, he was so broken and decided to finally change his life. I still knew I couldn't trust that as he had told me that before. But after seeing OW3 again, he fell into a denial like I'd never seen. He acted like I had never meant anything to him.

We divorced a year ago. He has since told me that he had to live in denial so he didn't have to face all he had done and losing everything but claimed that his affairs were never about me and he always loved me. He's not in any way trying to get me back, but I know he still loves me. He seems miserable most of the time and seems to have decided that instead of changing his life, he will forever live in misery. I'm doing all I know to do to move on. I got a job. I grieved and cried and talked through my emotions for a long time. Just recently I joined a dating site. I forced myself to. I hate it. It just makes me want my marriage back.

But I'm never able to completely emotionally let go and I hate it. I'm always holding out hope that one day my ex will change his life and we will live happily ever after. What is wrong with me? He's treated me horribly. My heart always seems to be many steps behind my body. I want to move on. I want to stop loving him. I want to stop wishing we would reconcile.

I don't tell him any of these feelings that make me feel so unable to move on. But I feel so stuck. Everyone in my life thinks I am better.....I don't want most people to know I'm still crying over someone that has treated me so bad but I am. A few close friends know.

Any advice? I feel like the rare freak who will never move on.

DevastatedTwice posted 7/7/2013 11:13 AM

Maybe I should've put this in New Beginnings.....feel free to move it if necessary. I don't know where I'm supposed to be.

beyo posted 7/7/2013 11:25 AM

I am in the same boat....Here my story...Live with the love of my love for 13 years; He raised my children, never gave me a reason to doubt of him, he was a great man, he was my friend, my husband even if we never married. He left me and went to his home country one day telling me he was tired of living here in the US. Once he arrived to his country he called me crying because he regret his decision. He can't return to US due to no visa. Kept asking me to come to him; We could not live without each other. Every time I went to stay with him a took 1 month off my job, risking it, I got in debt and put myself in very stressful situation, but it was worth it, since I wanted to be with him. Every time I left him there was devastating. I did travel probably 14 times in the last 3 years; The last 1 1/2 year were so rocky,his ego busted when he open his new business (A clothing store)with only young girls as employees 18 to 20 years old. His behavior changed. I was not important anymore. We dreamed of being together again when the business was stable and we could afford our bills here in the USA and there in his country (My kids are in college, and we have a house here).His employees (the girls) became more important than anything, not only his business. He will have so much attention to them (From buying them food, to anything they will need). He wanted to be liked by them. He became a teenager again! He finally started behaving in a flirting type with them, and they did to him, in spite of my observations and advises to behave different, to keep a distance with his employees. For everyone , I was his wife, no one new we were not marry, my kids were "our" kids. We had a family in front of everyone; He finally cheated with one of the girls. I confronted him over the phone, because I am still in the US. He cried and said he was terrible sorry over and over again. Asking for forgiveness from me and the kids. Asking what he could do to make it up. I thought I was dying of pain. I wanted him back to his senses, to be the man he always was. I asked him to NC with that girl and to fire her; which he said "He will try" because they already had a relationship and was not fair to her either". I almost died that day again! it has been 4 weeks since I discovered everything, he never called me; I did and that's what he said. I don't have any hopes that he will change. He cried and said he loved me so much and did not want to hurt me, and that he thought he could get away with the affair since I was so fair away. I know I must move on...life my live...but I love him, and I want him back. I know all the pain he caused me all these past 3 years after he left me here; why is he doing this to me?...I cant understand why he wanted to leave me in the first place. He said he felt neglected by me before he left...he just wants a new life without me, and this girl is making it easier...I need you all opinion...please advice!

DevastatedTwice posted 7/7/2013 18:00 PM

I'm sure he has feelings for you deep down, but he wants to keep doing what he's doing and not lose you. That's not love. I think of something I've heard on here a lot.....his actions are speaking loudly to you....believe them. It is the same with me. My ex's actions are saying:

I don't want you in my life
I'm ok without you
I want to live however I want
You were not worth fighting for
You were the only one holding on

....and I'm choosing to believe him now. If he really wanted anything different he would be changing his life. He's not. So all I can do is change mine. I still don't want to live the rest of my life without him, but I will if this is how he chooses to live.

SBB posted 7/7/2013 18:02 PM

^^THIS. Except the bit about not wanting to live the rest of my life without him.