I haven't posted here in a long time. My ex and I were high school sweethearts and he was my only love ever. We were extremely close and best friends for so long.
His first affair was so devastating but during our reconciliation, he did EVERYTHING that every BS would want on here. He was amazing. The missing key was digging into his whys and he ended up having affair number two and three. He has emotionally destroyed me.
When I found out about the last affair, he was so broken and decided to finally change his life. I still knew I couldn't trust that as he had told me that before. But after seeing OW3 again, he fell into a denial like I'd never seen. He acted like I had never meant anything to him.
We divorced a year ago. He has since told me that he had to live in denial so he didn't have to face all he had done and losing everything but claimed that his affairs were never about me and he always loved me. He's not in any way trying to get me back, but I know he still loves me. He seems miserable most of the time and seems to have decided that instead of changing his life, he will forever live in misery. I'm doing all I know to do to move on. I got a job. I grieved and cried and talked through my emotions for a long time. Just recently I joined a dating site. I forced myself to. I hate it. It just makes me want my marriage back.
But I'm never able to completely emotionally let go and I hate it. I'm always holding out hope that one day my ex will change his life and we will live happily ever after. What is wrong with me? He's treated me horribly. My heart always seems to be many steps behind my body. I want to move on. I want to stop loving him. I want to stop wishing we would reconcile.
I don't tell him any of these feelings that make me feel so unable to move on. But I feel so stuck. Everyone in my life thinks I am better.....I don't want most people to know I'm still crying over someone that has treated me so bad but I am. A few close friends know.
Any advice? I feel like the rare freak who will never move on.