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Trying to stay sane while living with remorseless WS

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doggiediva posted 7/7/2013 13:32 PM

I have read in many Q/A forums in addition to SI the advice to file for D/ do not prolong the marriage if one knows he or she is done with the WS and the marriage..

To me the advice is very good and I hope that I will be following it by the end of this year...I am still getting ducks in a row..I am recently retired (full retirement) due to health problems..I pray that WH will look for and get a job soon.. He is voluntarily unemployed, no pension or savings..
When WH becomes employed will be the time that I pounce on filing for D whether or not all my ducks are in a straight row..

What is the advice for those people who no longer love or respect their WS, have already gotten legal advice and find that they don't have the means or the support it takes to walk away and or D any time soon if ever?

In my case I have been doing the180 and sleeping in separate bedrooms, I don't cook or do laundry for WH...

I wish I could take my doggies and just disappear from the home and the state without any legal repercussions...

How does one keep his or her self respect while living in an in house separation with un remorseful WS until D is possible?

I am losing my self esteem quickly and by the bucket loads...I put on 20-30 pounds in the last year and 1/2..Having said this, I still think I look better than the OW... OW looks like one of those people seen pictured on the mug shot lists for the 10 most wanted felons..

I get an unpleasant feeling of dread/ anxiety at the thought of meeting up with people with the exception of my sister, or grown sons..My sister recently moved out of state..

I have some hobbies I love that keep me distracted and sane if I am not too depressed on a given day..

I love beading and I am an award winning photographer..I don't make much money with photography as of yet, lol :-)

I have my work on display at a gallery, where I am welcome to come visit and chat with the people there .... I have the time to do a lot of things if only I could find the motivation to get moving and out of the house more..

Come to think of it I am a textbook case of why people in a hopeless M should divorce sooner rather than later if at all possible...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:39 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

isadora posted 7/7/2013 14:21 PM

Why do you need to wait for WH to be employed? Have you spoken to a lawyer?

kansas1968 posted 7/7/2013 14:44 PM

Lord, what a mess. I feel so bad for you after reading your post and your profile. The thing that makes me so angry is the blow infidelity deals to your self-esteem. I know all about that, and even with a remorseful husband, a reconcilliation in progress, I still have not recovered it.
It does not make any sense though. You worked, are talented in photography, look better than the ow, and still you lost your self esteem, when it is him who should have lost his.
He doesn't earn anthing, lives off of you, and to top it off is a cheater and a liar.
It is horrible that you find yourself in this pressure cooker because of finances. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I understand him getting half the equity, but it is so unfair for him to get half you pension earnings.
But if you take the plunge now, get half the equity and half of the pension, maybe with a full time job, and then Social Security as soon as you qualify, you could make it OK. Maybe you could live with your sister until you are on your feet.
Just do not think any of this is your fault. Get out to that gallery. Be charming and beautiful. Start walking with headphones and beautiful music and lose that 15lbs that is making you feel worse. Keep going to a counselor if you can and share your situation with friends. You can have lunch with some girls and you all can bash your husband.
Since the marriage is over, no reason not to share and sometimes that networking pays off.

Again, I am so, so, sorry you are living this nightmare. Hugs and the best of luck. K

doggiediva posted 7/7/2013 14:51 PM

Hi Isadora...I have spoken to 5 lawyers.
I live in a no fault state..

One lawyer (a friend of mine) was bold enough to tell me I should get my own bank acct, get off of all joint credit cards, and just wait for WH to die without ever divorcing him..

I got the separate bank acct and I got off of all joint credit accts, but I don't think I can wait until WH dies to be out of this marriage...

I have earned a modest pension and very modest 401 K fund and our house is paid for..

WH has nothing at all and has been unemployed voluntarily..

Other lawyers I spoke to told me that WH would be entitled to 1/2 of everything + alimony coz we have been married 20+ years...

If WH was employed that might eliminate his right to ask for alimony..

With 1/2 of my pension taken from me I would be unable to afford living on my own without working full time..

If I didn't have to pay for WH's health insurance or alimony at least I would have a little more money to live off of...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:23 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

doggiediva posted 7/7/2013 14:59 PM

Hi Kansas...I can't live with my sister for the moment because she and her family are in temp living quarters.. My sister is closing on a new house and hasn't moved in..In the next few months it will be a possibility that I can live with her..
Due to health reasons I can't work full time..I am retired.. I injured my back permanently and I have constant numbness/pain to one leg..I have the injury and leave of absence that happened immediately before retirement all well documented in my medical records which I hope will help my case..I can't get both pension and disability benefits from my company at the same time so I opted to get my full pension which I will get for the rest of my life as long as my company remains solvent..

You are right though I need to break thru the blahs, get myself out there and do stuff to be around other people..
I will try to get out there and walk tonight when it cools off :-)

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:58 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

gypsybird87 posted 7/7/2013 16:53 PM

It sounds like you are definitely stuck financially unless/until your WH makes a change. So I would focus on doing whatever is necessary to motivate him to get a job. You are the only one making any money, so you should have control of every penny of it. If you don't, take that control back NOW. Don't wait. I waited too long to do this and it cost me thousands. Obviously you have to pay the household bills etc, but there should be no money available to him for anything else. If he wants some new man-toy or some spending money, he can damn well get a job. He isn't the good man you thought he was, but he's still someone you know well. You know what it will take to motivate him. Whatever it takes, do it.

In the meantime, while forced to live together, claim your own part of the house and make it completely off limits to him. Don't "share" space any more than you must. Your clothes, personal items etc should be in your space, and nothing of his should be there. I removed all XWH's clothes/items from our bedroom and claimed it as mine. Not one thing of his remained and he had no excuse to enter. Bathroom stuff, same thing. All his stuff went into the guest bath and he had to shower etc in there. I felt much better after I made these changes.

I'm glad you are not cooking, doing laundry etc for him. He didn't respect your marriage, and doesn't deserve any of the niceties you used to do for him. I was doing laundry, picking up dry cleaning, buying his favorite things etc literally right up until d-day. It nauseates me when I think about it now. I was picking up dry cleaned shirts he was wearing to see the OW! Try to view your WH as a distant family member who's staying with you for awhile. I did this and helped me a lot.

Finally, get out of the house EVERY day. Even if it's just a walk around the block or a trip to the store. You are essentially living at ground zero, where your whole life blew up... and it's important to give yourself a chance to decompress from that each day. I still live in the house where it all began, and ended, and where the OW had been over several times (before she ever became the OW). Even days when you don't feel like you need it, get out for a little while.

I know it's hard to meet new people... My "social circle" is very small, but it does help to get out and be with people. Try and see if there is a beading group or other hobby group that interests you nearby.

Hang in there!! You will get through this.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 4:55 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Duffy1958 posted 7/7/2013 17:21 PM

I am there with you. I haven't posted my "story" yet. I pretty much know the ending.

I too want to pack up my doggies & flee but I will have to find employment. Argh! I will though.

Emotionally I am drained & like you have hobbies I would love to do, given the desire enough to do it. I am forcing myself to do things for myself. Garden, my nails, a few new clothes. I'm going to make my wardrobe beautiful again. New makeup!

I am 180 as best I can. I am going to take care of me. I'm going to start counseling, because I need support.

Sleep is up & down but I'm using my angst to pray.

My hubs sees all of this & all he can muster is "I miss you, please forgive me."

It's bullshit because he hangs on to the lie, nothing irregular happened. The "remorseless" part.

We will be OK. For me, I'm earnestly trying for my days not to suck. If I win some, I feel thankful. If not so good, there is another day.

The sooner we can get away from the toxicity, the better we will be but we are going to be fine.

doggiediva posted 7/8/2013 03:05 AM

Hi Gypsy and Duffy!
That is exactly how I feel! If I had a day of doing absolutely nothing, I tell myself that tomorrow is another day!
If I can't sleep, or I find myself up very early I'll go to the local park which has a small beach.I'll drink my coffee and take pictures of the sunrise.

I think I will go for a sunrise coffee and photography session this morning.Then I'll walk in circles and burn some calories,lol..

I know I'll have to go back to a job at some point, because I can make a decent living at what I do..

I have been doing this same job in the same unit /same hospital for 30 years. In addition to my injury the political changes at work were getting intolerable, I was dreading my work days a lot!

So I decided to leave via full retirement vs quitting.

I am burned out..

I think a long sabbatical of several months to a year will do me wonders..

Then I will work as needed via the agencies that hire me...A coworker of mine went out on leave with same back problem..She was out for almost 4 years :-(

I'll be danged if I go back to work again while living in the same house as WH..I do have complete control over the outflow of the household finances...

WH is going to have to figure out how and where to get money to pay house insurance/ taxes..

I thought that my not working would motivate H to get off his ass and go out looking for a job, but that hasn't happened yet..He has been getting unemployment checks, and I haven't been retired for very long,only 2 we'll see..

My dream is to eventually move to the same area where my sister lives, almost 1000 miles away from here.If I can't do that any time soon,maybe me and doggies will house sit for people, so that we have our own space for week(s)at a time,lol

I wish strength for everybody here, I wish none of us had this mess to deal with...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:19 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Duffy1958 posted 7/8/2013 09:40 AM

I think your idea of morning sunrise photo session sounds awesome! And you will have beautiful pictures!

Once I went on a walk to see how many species of flowers I could find & I practiced close ups.

I also love your idea of house sitting. You never know! I have a friend who has a permanent place to live just for going home most nights. She was same as us, cheated on. SMH Do we know people who aren't cheating?

doggiediva posted 7/8/2013 11:17 AM

I would love to post a pic or two( of my work) on these threads just to make people smile...IDK if I am allowed to..
This morning it is raining cows and pigs...
Oh well, I'll edit some photos and then go to Hobby Lobby or Aaron Brothers and walk around :-)

Dare2Trust posted 7/8/2013 18:21 PM


You do have alternatives.

Personally, I'd go to work fulltime - and kick his butt to the curb.
But, that's just me.

I would not live with a remorseless WS I had not intentions of trying to reconcile with. My life and my peace-of-mind is worth more to me.

That's my opinion.
This mess ends, when you SAY IT ENDS.

doggiediva posted 7/8/2013 19:13 PM

I hope this doesn't post as duplicate.. My computer is belching and sending my posts off into a black hole, lol..

I promise you , God, and everybody, I am going back to work......

After I move out...

I refuse to work and support WH while we are in the same house...

I can't kick WH to the curb unless and until I file for D and get temporary orders with a restraining order..

I will have to kick WH out with assistance of law enforcement..

I would rather be the one who moves away to another place..

I don't want any full time employment or future earnings I could make to be a factor in D proceedings and decisions..

Here I am with health problems but yet my WH would have it made in D by being intentionally unemployed...

I am trying to level the playing field..

I have good medical documentation to be the one to ask for support and alimony in D

Immediately after I file, I am thinking I have to run as fast and hard as I can...

This is gonna take planning...The few things I own with sentimental value will have to go live with friends for a while..I need to gradually move these things out of the house without WH's knowledge. Everything else can stay behind with WH for all I care..

I am thinking that I want to take my doggies and go stay with my sister (out of state) before I have my WH served..

More than likely I could remain with my sister a few weeks or months until I can get on my feet and know the area.. Then I will find myself a place close to hers..

Staying with my sister wasn't a possibility until today..She didn't have a place for me to come to..

My sister and her H are wealthy, but since Jan 2013 until today, they were living like itinerants in a cramped monthly rental..

They searched high and low until they could find a new house that they wanted in the city where her husband's employment is based..

Once they found the home that they wanted to buy, they had to wait until it was ready to move into..

Their temporary hotel suite was the only monthly rental place in which they could keep their 3 cats with them...

My sis and her H moving into their new home as I write this

Pray for me as I push back, get out of this pit, and get ready for take off!

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:56 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Duffy1958 posted 7/9/2013 11:46 AM

Saying prayers for you & doggies, Diva. I have a smile on my face for you though-you are almost out! God bless!

gypsybird87 posted 7/9/2013 11:57 AM

Go, Diva, Go! You and your doggies are headed for a better, freer life. Sooo proud of you for being pro-active and making this decision from a place of strength. Things will become even easier and clearer once you've put some miles between you and all the burden your marriage has become.

Somebody on here (I can never remember these things- but I would give credit if I could! lol) has a signature line that says something like "The further she walked, the stronger her stride became." I love this quote, and today it's YOU, Diva.

Sending hugs and happy thoughts!!

Duffy1958 posted 7/9/2013 12:01 PM

Maybe I am not the norm but the things cheaters take from us pisses me off. So many changes & adjustments we have to make because of their selfish ass choices. In the end, they get what they get. From me. I'm not talking about revenge but I'm only jumping through so many hoops as I can & if my husband is inconvenienced that we have to live under the same roof while I recover myself financially, not my problem.

I think you have every right to take whatever time you need. You are not deceiving him. And if you have to, you have to. I always think of war refugees. Would they give up their hiding spot? Certainly not. I don't know about you but this has been a war against me.

I'm also not trying to say "all is fair in love & war." I don't think you are either Diva. We have morals & integrity.

I don't feel like I'm compromising myself or my integrity. This is a huge, hurtful mess & it takes whatever it takes to disengage.

doggiediva posted 7/9/2013 15:28 PM

Thank you Duffy and Gypsy! I agree with you about disengagement..It does take time..

I don't care if my WH is inconvenienced during the time that I remain in the house..

Whenever we are at home, WH retreats to his back bedroom and I stay in the living room..

WH does the cooking..Because I am the one buying the food, he cooks plenty for both of us to eat + leftovers..

In a way I do feel like a war/ prison refugee...I am mentally divorced from WH, but I can't wait to be physically free..

I can tolerate my living situation long enough to take what time I need to set things up so that I have a good chance for a fair outcome in divorce..

Every choice I make about future finances and eventual D is made with the thought that I don't have the health and the time to start over and recover financially before I get too frail to work, lol..

doggiediva posted 7/9/2013 17:01 PM

Another thought I am having is to move out of the house, get my own place (gated) not too far from where I am now..
This thought crosses my mind because my youngest is newly engaged...He will get married in the next year or so...After marriage there may soon be grandkids for me to spoil, lol :-)))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:56 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

doggiediva posted 7/10/2013 15:17 PM

Today is one of those day that I want to strangle WH..
I'm not feeling good today so I haven't been out of the house..
I decided to come into the living room to sit on the couch and play on my computer /do edits on photos..
WH was eating..I can't stand to watch and hear him eat..And he licks his plate afterwards
I need a margarita!

Duffy1958 posted 7/11/2013 21:54 PM

Oh Grrrr! Smacking lips, plate licking? Geez dude! Stop it already! He was probably doing it on purpose. Really. Childish. Just their style. The time will come when there ain't nobody to watch. Gonna be lonely for him/them.

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