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freelancer posted 7/7/2013 14:29 PM

I have been doing a lot of reading, and I am beginning to think (ok, I really strongly believe) WH is NPD. I have always thought he had an "elitist" attitude. I have spoken with him openly about this. I feel like he looks down his nose at people that don't share the EXACT SAME ideals as him. He told me once that he felt that he and the OWs were such good matches because they don't like to "sit around and watch TV". Keep in mind that I am a SAHM of two small children and that time to sit down after they go to bed is my *only* time to unwind. And he judges me and sees himself as better than me for it.

But I think I have a bigger problem than that. Two nights ago, I was soundly asleep and awoken at about 2am with WH penetrating with his fingers (sorry for the TMI). We had it out. He didn't see that there was anything wrong with that, as he wanted to have sex and he saw that as a means to that. Having been molested as a child and then losing my virginity as the result of rape, I freaking lost it.

Fast forward to last night. We were watching a movie. He was very active on his phone. I asked what was going on. He told me he was texting with G. There is a long sorry here, but the basics are G is a guy WH used to work with, he is a serial cheater. WH & G used to have a nickname for their extramarital activities. And then after DD, G tried to convince WH that I wanted him and had approached him for sex. I had the proof that this was not the case, in fact the opposite. I hadn't said anything at the time because I was trying to not damage their relationship. I know better now. But this was before I was aware if an infidelity on either of their parts. Needless to say, this guy and any interaction with him is a HUGE trigger for me. I told WH this last night while he was texting with him. He continued to text with him RIGHT in front of me while we watched the movie. As soon as it was over, I went upstairs, took a shower and watched another movie because I knew I wouldn't sleep. I addressed it with him this morning. He said that he didn't realize it bothered me so much. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! My exact words to him last night were, "it really bothers me that you are texting him and being all buddy buddy with that guy. He is a really fucking big trigger for me. I have no respect for him or the things he does." Apparently that wasn't clear enough.

All of this on top of this little gem: I had surgery last week. WH had to take care of me and the kids while I recovered. I had a lot of nausea associated with the actually surgery and spent a great deal of the first two days vomiting. All of the pressure from the vomiting caused the actual "injury" to bleed profusely as a result. As a way to get something in that would stay down, I asked him to please get me some ginger ale while he was out (he was already going to the store). Finally HOURS later, after being left alone, he and the kids came home. And despite my 5 and 2 year old reminding him to get me ginger ale he "forgot". And I am scared to think what, if anything, he did to me while I was on the Percocet. Luckily I only took that for three days.

I feel like I have such a bit part in my own life. And things are spinning so quickly right now, I can't even grab. Onto something to keep from falling out of my own life altogether.

I am not sure what the point if this post even was. I guess I just needed to get that out.

somanyyears posted 7/7/2013 14:59 PM


..his physical violation of you while you are asleep is totally unacceptable and sick at the same time..

..this man needs serious help.. and his own bedroom, so you can lock your door at night!!

..could he be sex addicted?? .. his actions show complete disrespect for you. had every right to lose it on him!

..protect yourself...


jo2love posted 7/7/2013 15:01 PM


I am so sorry for all you have been through since childhood till now. What he did to you was beyond wrong. I divorced my xh (he didn't cheat) because he drugged and raped me repeatedly. It was the 2nd darkest time in my life. Words can not describe how angry I am on your behave. Are you in IC? Have you considered filing a police report. Please know you are not alone in this. We are here for you. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:46 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

inconnu posted 7/7/2013 16:41 PM

While he may very well be NPD, he's much more clearly abusive. If you have not already, please look into getting help for yourself. Contact your local women's shelter. (((freelancer)))

Jrazz posted 7/7/2013 17:09 PM

After what he's done to you, calling him NPD is a really light sentence.

I'm worried for you. You were absolutely, irrefutably sexually assaulted.

What can we do to help? How can we get you out of this situation?


RedRaven6500 posted 7/7/2013 21:27 PM

Do you have somewhere safe you and the kids can go? Or can you boot him out and tell him to go be "buddy buddy" with his awesome buddy G!?! What a freaking creep! I would tell him, if you ever touch me again without my permission, the cops will be here in a heart beat to explain to you why you are being arrested. Being married doesn't give them the right to sexually assault you. In the military, we have a program called SAPR. One of the first things we would tell the military member/dependent is NOT to down play the assault, nor to take ownership or blame for it. Sometimes this is easier said than done, but don't convince yourself that it is acceptable because he is your spouse/was drunk/upset/or any other excuse they may want to throw at you to justify their shitty actions!!!! Be safe, your kids need you, and you need them.

itainteasy posted 7/8/2013 08:11 AM



I'm so sorry for what you've been though.

Reality posted 7/8/2013 09:38 AM

Freelancer, I'm completely enraged on your behalf. I'm so so, SO, sorry.

Listen, and I know this won't be pleasant, but I understand completely.

Trigger warning for violence!

I was also molested, then raped when I was also a virginal teenager. My ex (yes, NPD x 100) decided that if "other men touched me in (insert traumatic violent way), then as my husband, he should be allowed to also." I woke up dozens of times the last few years of the marriage, being pinned to the bed and forcibly violated. Yes, he knew what that meant to me, but it didn't matter. He was my husband and I was supposed to like it with him, regardless of what I said or felt.

When I read your post, holy hell, was it all familiar. Your husband is stomping all over tender places for you and KNOWS IT. That's so ugly, it's hard to wrap your brain around, I know. It's almost impossible at first to accept that someone you're supposed to trust is not only hurting you, but deliberately CHOOSING to hurt you.

I'm really concerned that this is a dynamic that will increase - this type of abuse always amps up over time. I know mine did. From what I've researched, that's the standard.

So, let's take stock, and strip down all the manipulative bullcrap he's couched his behavior in, okay?

- He raped you. (Hard phrase, but TRUE.)
- He had an affair. (Like it or not, this is another kind of rape: emotionally, STD-chance-physically, trust boundaries)
- He chooses to engage in behaviors that you TELL him are traumatic, but he continues to do regardless, then gaslights you that you didn't explain enough why he shouldn't.

That's so, so cruel.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm really anxious for you. It's really hard for people to accept and cope with that kind of behavior. It can be hard to find support because of that.

Let me say it again so it's visibly in front of you:


There isn't a misunderstanding. He heard what you said. He knows how you feel. He chooses to continue.

We're here for you, Free. Everyone wants your safety, both physically and emotionally. Please be careful. Please put the safety of you and your children before his "feelings and intentions."

I really don't want to be doom and gloom here for you, when you're smack in the middle of major trauma, but that's just it - this IS major trauma. You need to be safe. He is actively threatening that.

[This message edited by Reality at 9:39 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

freelancer posted 7/8/2013 15:00 PM

Thanks for all of the kind words and support. I am doing my best to hold it together right now, and I see my IC tomorrow. If I share with her what happened over the weekend, is she going to be bound to involve any authorities? That part makes me nervous. I am so confused as to how to move forward, I don't even know who I am today.

JanaGreen posted 7/8/2013 16:07 PM

And I am scared to think what, if anything, he did to me while I was on the Percocet.

This is awful, freelancer. Please get out. He sounds horrible.

Skan posted 7/8/2013 17:31 PM

You need to share this with your IC. She needs to know. You need to tell her. (((hugs)))

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