Freelancer, I'm completely enraged on your behalf. I'm so so, SO, sorry.
Listen, and I know this won't be pleasant, but I understand completely.
Trigger warning for violence!
I was also molested, then raped when I was also a virginal teenager. My ex (yes, NPD x 100) decided that if "other men touched me in (insert traumatic violent way), then as my husband, he should be allowed to also." I woke up dozens of times the last few years of the marriage, being pinned to the bed and forcibly violated. Yes, he knew what that meant to me, but it didn't matter. He was my husband and I was supposed to like it with him, regardless of what I said or felt.
When I read your post, holy hell, was it all familiar. Your husband is stomping all over tender places for you and KNOWS IT. That's so ugly, it's hard to wrap your brain around, I know. It's almost impossible at first to accept that someone you're supposed to trust is not only hurting you, but deliberately CHOOSING to hurt you.
I'm really concerned that this is a dynamic that will increase - this type of abuse always amps up over time. I know mine did. From what I've researched, that's the standard.
So, let's take stock, and strip down all the manipulative bullcrap he's couched his behavior in, okay?
- He raped you. (Hard phrase, but TRUE.)
- He had an affair. (Like it or not, this is another kind of rape: emotionally, STD-chance-physically, trust boundaries)
- He chooses to engage in behaviors that you TELL him are traumatic, but he continues to do regardless, then gaslights you that you didn't explain enough why he shouldn't.
That's so, so cruel.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm really anxious for you. It's really hard for people to accept and cope with that kind of behavior. It can be hard to find support because of that.
Let me say it again so it's visibly in front of you:
HE HURT YOU ON PURPOSE. EVERYTHING HE DID WAS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
There isn't a misunderstanding. He heard what you said. He knows how you feel. He chooses to continue.
We're here for you, Free. Everyone wants your safety, both physically and emotionally. Please be careful. Please put the safety of you and your children before his "feelings and intentions."
I really don't want to be doom and gloom here for you, when you're smack in the middle of major trauma, but that's just it - this IS major trauma. You need to be safe. He is actively threatening that.
[This message edited by Reality at 9:39 AM, July 8th (Monday)]