The whole stupid reason I had the affair was to get what I believed was lacking in the marriage.
That's not exactly a reason. I think you're going to have to dig more to figure out what thought processes made it okay to betray. It wasn't just getting what you believed was lacking, it was getting what you believed was lacking by betrayal. I think it is going to be hard for your BS to feel safe if you can't figure this out. Otherwise, what happens the next time you feel like your needs aren't getting met?
Hang on and keep digging.
Strength to you and her both from a fellow EvolvingSoul
Digging our way through.
If she has told you it is a deal breaker, then what you can do is believe her and support her decision.
If she has not told you that and you think she is "dwelling" on A, then what you can do is, once again, support her where she is and stop expecting her to be farther along than she is. I am a little over three years past my Dday and things are much better between my FWH and me, but truthfully I still struggle sometimes. I honestly believe in the 3-5 year timetable for healing and it will be closer to 5 years since it was a LTA (as was yours).
You need to jettison any expectations of her getting over it any time soon. Stop doing what you believe to be right and ask her what she needs. You can be patient and persistent. You have been there for your BW and that is great. What you can do is keep it up, without complaining (not saying that you have, just make sure you are displaying the right attitude to her, not letting any impatience show). Assure her that you are in it for the long haul, for as long as it takes--then do it.
Stop having expectations, stop having a timetable, just take it a day at a time. I guarantee that is what she is doing. She just made it past the one year antiversary and is probably suffering the effects of that. Time and consistency are really your best friends right now. Let go of outcomes and just continue to be there for her. It is really hard to do, but it is where you need to be.
You seem to be really focused on the outcome - that is what I hear in your post - and that is something you need to let go of. You can't make things go away for her, she has to heal, and that is a long process.
And I agree, that is not your why, it is too surface - too easy.
What did you think was lacking, and why did you feel it was OK to cheat? the answers to those questions will guide you in the right direction.
Separated transitioning to D
My problems were everyone else's. It was like people ahould conform to me.
Explain this a little more. So you didn't think you were responsible for anything? Is that what you are saying?
You have two children under the age of three, yes? Do you both work outside the home, or only you? In either case, how much are you doing around the house? Are you jumping up to change diapers, feed and bathe children, fix meals, offer to stay home while she goes out and watches a "chick flick" or goes shoe shopping on a Saturday afternoon?
Not saying that would be "enough," and maybe you're doing this already. Just a suggestion. If you haven't read The Five Love Languages yet, read it, figure out what her LL is, and speak it.
As for her language: it's acts of service. That's where my failure was. Though I'm 200% better at her love language, it was all the years that I neglected them that makes me upset.
[This message edited by Sam793 at 7:05 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]
In general try to follow the guidelines outlined in the book "How to Help Your Partner/Spouse Heal from Your Affair."
Warning: this only works if you can be sincere.
Above all: Your wife did not choose to be in this position.
I am 100% responsible for my actions. I did it. It was my choice.
I didn't mean that.
My point was to your statement of your why. I was asking about why you think you did it, not accusing you of blaming your A on others.
Badchoice- what I saw lacking is what I wanted in a marriage. I didn't express myself and didn't do what she wanted in a marriage. Marriage is a partnership and I took it as one sided. As for why did I think it was ok? I don't think I ever thought it was ok. I just tried to keep it separate. As long as I was being fed the kudos from the AP, I had the fuel to keep going. When they stopped, I stopped but they would start again.
I don't think I ever thought it was ok.
So maybe a better way to ask it is what inside of you gave you permission to have the A.
You say you never thought it was OK, but you chose the A over all of your other choices.
Figuring out what made you think it was ok to have the A is a way to dig into your Whys.
I have always been like that.
So what I noticed, when looking and digging into my whys was that the behaviors and coping skills/survival skills were there for a very long time. All of mine pre-dated my relationship with my BW. When trying to understand the whys it is important to understand the foundation and where/how you acquired these behaviors, and then address it at the root.
It was because it was easier to just run then to confront the issues.
Do you know when and why this started? Are you like this in all areas of your life? Work too?
When other posters say to dig deeper, this is what they mean.
I do apologize but at what time is enough enough? I'm not saying to not apologize but after multiple times a day, does the sincerity not go away?
Does it? Sincerity is about how it is given not how it is received. Are you getting tired of saying it? Has it just become habit? Have the words lost their meaning to you?
Do some soul searching. Find how you really feel and share it with her. Express heartfelt words.
She will only feel the sincerity if you express it with sincerity.
ETA: This pertains to actions as well as words!!!
[This message edited by Chicho at 6:03 AM, July 8th (Monday)]
I have hamfistedly tried to inject the amount of time that's passed since D-Day 1 into every conversation, thinking that seeing how far we've progressed in this time would be of some help to her - in the same way a journal might show progress.
Just a few nights ago, I asked Heart if it was something that was helping her, and she told me it wasn't. It was actually reinforcing her belief that I expected this to happen according to some kind of timetable.
So, I've stopped. And it all happened because I asked a question that neither one of us was thinking about.
My BW can't get past the A.
she never will. she will learn to live with it. Maybe. if you are remorseful and loving and she is forgiving and accepting. But she'll never get past it.
I've fixed the issues now but the damage has been done. I'm there for my BW whenever she need me but that doesn't seem to be enough.
Sam, gently now, you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of these issues. You need to really start digging and when you uncover a "why", then keep on digging... its a long difficult road, and often times looking inside, I mean taking a really deep hard look at yourself, can be tough, even excruciating at times, but until you you do, you aren't really fixing anything. Keep on reading, and posting, and listening to the advice offered to you. Stop trying and start doing. It may never be enough, but let her know that she's worth it, no matter what the outcome!
