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Sam793 posted 7/7/2013 15:36 PM

My BW can't get past the A. I've been open to her, answered her questions, and tried doing what I believed to be right. I can't make things go away for her. I've told her that I can't change what happened but can change the future. I'm in IC. I've been check medically. The whole stupid reason I had the affair was to get what I believed was lacking in the marriage. I hate conflict and instead of speaking up I had an opportunity and went with it. I look back at it and shake my head. I look at my BW and shake my head. Why couldn't I have just worked on what we had. It wasn't bad in the first place and was easily fixed. I've fixed the issues now but the damage has been done. I'm there for my BW whenever she need me but that doesn't seem to be enough.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/7/2013 16:33 PM

It takes a long time. 2-5 years is the conventional wisdom. It is proving to be accurate in my own situation.

The whole stupid reason I had the affair was to get what I believed was lacking in the marriage.

That's not exactly a reason. I think you're going to have to dig more to figure out what thought processes made it okay to betray. It wasn't just getting what you believed was lacking, it was getting what you believed was lacking by betrayal. I think it is going to be hard for your BS to feel safe if you can't figure this out. Otherwise, what happens the next time you feel like your needs aren't getting met?

Hang on and keep digging.

Strength to you and her both from a fellow EvolvingSoul

hopingforhappy posted 7/7/2013 17:27 PM

Sam, may I ask what you mean when you say your BW can't get past the A? Is this something she has told you? Or, are you making that assumption based on your own observations? I ask because your Dday is just about a year ago and it is way too early to start talking about getting over it--unless she has said those words and has told you it is a deal breaker for her.

If she has told you it is a deal breaker, then what you can do is believe her and support her decision.

If she has not told you that and you think she is "dwelling" on A, then what you can do is, once again, support her where she is and stop expecting her to be farther along than she is. I am a little over three years past my Dday and things are much better between my FWH and me, but truthfully I still struggle sometimes. I honestly believe in the 3-5 year timetable for healing and it will be closer to 5 years since it was a LTA (as was yours).

You need to jettison any expectations of her getting over it any time soon. Stop doing what you believe to be right and ask her what she needs. You can be patient and persistent. You have been there for your BW and that is great. What you can do is keep it up, without complaining (not saying that you have, just make sure you are displaying the right attitude to her, not letting any impatience show). Assure her that you are in it for the long haul, for as long as it takes--then do it.

Stop having expectations, stop having a timetable, just take it a day at a time. I guarantee that is what she is doing. She just made it past the one year antiversary and is probably suffering the effects of that. Time and consistency are really your best friends right now. Let go of outcomes and just continue to be there for her. It is really hard to do, but it is where you need to be.

Sam793 posted 7/7/2013 17:31 PM

I guess what was lacking the most in our marriage through my eyes was it being a marriage. I caused my BW to push away from me. I could have fixed myself back then. I chose not to. My problems were everyone else's. It was like people ahould conform to me. Looking back on myself makes me sick.

badchoice posted 7/7/2013 17:36 PM

hopingforhappy and evolingsoul both said it very well.

You seem to be really focused on the outcome - that is what I hear in your post - and that is something you need to let go of. You can't make things go away for her, she has to heal, and that is a long process.

And I agree, that is not your why, it is too surface - too easy.

What did you think was lacking, and why did you feel it was OK to cheat? the answers to those questions will guide you in the right direction.

badchoice posted 7/7/2013 17:38 PM

My problems were everyone else's. It was like people ahould conform to me.

Explain this a little more. So you didn't think you were responsible for anything? Is that what you are saying?

Sam793 posted 7/7/2013 17:44 PM

Hoping- she has come right out and said she can't get past the PA part. Basically the why part. She does though on occasion tell me that even though she's upset she misses times when I'm at work and she's in bed alone. She also has told me that no matter how mad she gets , she wants to work things out. The funny thing is that even though I know these things, each time she gets really upset and says we are done, I believe her. I would love to help her.

Sam793 posted 7/7/2013 18:04 PM

Badchoice-I am 100% responsible for my actions. I did it. It was my choice.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/7/2013 18:20 PM

Just don't ever say to her, "Why are you not over this yet?" It's been less than a year, your A was three and a half years. Perspective, Sam.

You have two children under the age of three, yes? Do you both work outside the home, or only you? In either case, how much are you doing around the house? Are you jumping up to change diapers, feed and bathe children, fix meals, offer to stay home while she goes out and watches a "chick flick" or goes shoe shopping on a Saturday afternoon?

Not saying that would be "enough," and maybe you're doing this already. Just a suggestion. If you haven't read The Five Love Languages yet, read it, figure out what her LL is, and speak it.

Sam793 posted 7/7/2013 18:34 PM

At the moment I only work outside the home. My BW who is on maternity leave at the moment might go into work once a week depending on my schedule as she is self employed. I try to do the best around the house I can. I try to take care of the children the best I can. The biggest problem is my work consumes much of my days off. When I have days off with nothing work related, something tends to cause me to not get my work done or be unable to look after the kids. I spent all afternoon in the hospital today trying to figure out why I broke out in hives. This caused my BW To end uo staying at home with the children. This is after i promised she could have a nap in the afternoon because she was up quite a bit last night. As for the sociializing, She can do whatever she wants. I would never tell her not to go out.

As for her language: it's acts of service. That's where my failure was. Though I'm 200% better at her love language, it was all the years that I neglected them that makes me upset.

[This message edited by Sam793 at 7:05 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

womaninflux posted 7/7/2013 19:15 PM

try being more verbally apologetic about the situation. Men naturally try to avoid this and this just makes it worse. I am going though this and it really would help immensely if my SAWH would apologize/acknowledge more often.

In general try to follow the guidelines outlined in the book "How to Help Your Partner/Spouse Heal from Your Affair."

Warning: this only works if you can be sincere.

Above all: Your wife did not choose to be in this position.

badchoice posted 7/7/2013 19:32 PM

I am 100% responsible for my actions. I did it. It was my choice.

I didn't mean that.

My point was to your statement of your why. I was asking about why you think you did it, not accusing you of blaming your A on others.

Sam793 posted 7/7/2013 20:32 PM

Woman- I do apologize but at what time is enough enough? I'm not saying to not apologize but after multiple times a day, does the sincerity not go away? I also realize she didn't chose to be where she is.

Badchoice- what I saw lacking is what I wanted in a marriage. I didn't express myself and didn't do what she wanted in a marriage. Marriage is a partnership and I took it as one sided. As for why did I think it was ok? I don't think I ever thought it was ok. I just tried to keep it separate. As long as I was being fed the kudos from the AP, I had the fuel to keep going. When they stopped, I stopped but they would start again.

badchoice posted 7/7/2013 21:06 PM

I don't think I ever thought it was ok.

So maybe a better way to ask it is what inside of you gave you permission to have the A.

You say you never thought it was OK, but you chose the A over all of your other choices.

Figuring out what made you think it was ok to have the A is a way to dig into your Whys.

Sam793 posted 7/7/2013 23:07 PM

It was because it was easier to just run then to confront the issues. I have always been like that. I hate conflict so I guess I decided it was ok and just not work on my marriage.

badchoice posted 7/8/2013 00:18 AM

I have always been like that.

So what I noticed, when looking and digging into my whys was that the behaviors and coping skills/survival skills were there for a very long time. All of mine pre-dated my relationship with my BW. When trying to understand the whys it is important to understand the foundation and where/how you acquired these behaviors, and then address it at the root.

It was because it was easier to just run then to confront the issues.

Do you know when and why this started? Are you like this in all areas of your life? Work too?

When other posters say to dig deeper, this is what they mean.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/8/2013 05:25 AM

I do apologize but at what time is enough enough? I'm not saying to not apologize but after multiple times a day, does the sincerity not go away?

Does it? Sincerity is about how it is given not how it is received. Are you getting tired of saying it? Has it just become habit? Have the words lost their meaning to you?

Do some soul searching. Find how you really feel and share it with her. Express heartfelt words.

She will only feel the sincerity if you express it with sincerity.

ETA: This pertains to actions as well as words!!!

[This message edited by Chicho at 6:03 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

KBeguile posted 7/8/2013 06:56 AM

Since I myself just discovered this, I might as well share it.

I have hamfistedly tried to inject the amount of time that's passed since D-Day 1 into every conversation, thinking that seeing how far we've progressed in this time would be of some help to her - in the same way a journal might show progress.

Just a few nights ago, I asked Heart if it was something that was helping her, and she told me it wasn't. It was actually reinforcing her belief that I expected this to happen according to some kind of timetable.

So, I've stopped. And it all happened because I asked a question that neither one of us was thinking about.

rachelc posted 7/8/2013 07:04 AM

My BW can't get past the A.

she never will. she will learn to live with it. Maybe. if you are remorseful and loving and she is forgiving and accepting. But she'll never get past it.

cinnamongurl posted 7/8/2013 07:24 AM

Sam, you use the word "try" an awful lot. It sounds like you're just making more excuses. This process of earning back some of the trust and safety you took from your wife is all about your actions. Quit trying and start doing. And just keep on doing, from your heart though, not because you feel obligated, but because you feel she deserves it!

I've fixed the issues now but the damage has been done. I'm there for my BW whenever she need me but that doesn't seem to be enough.

Sam, gently now, you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of these issues. You need to really start digging and when you uncover a "why", then keep on digging... its a long difficult road, and often times looking inside, I mean taking a really deep hard look at yourself, can be tough, even excruciating at times, but until you you do, you aren't really fixing anything.

Keep on reading, and posting, and listening to the advice offered to you. Stop trying and start doing. It may never be enough, but let her know that she's worth it, no matter what the outcome!

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