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Abbondad posted 7/7/2013 18:24 PM

Hi, Friends,

For a long time since first arriving at "The Club" after D day in November of 2012, I pored over the Reconciliation threads as I'm sure many others have, searching for stories similar to mine concluding with "happy" endings. Sadly, I no longer enter that forum, but of course wish them well.

I am nowhere near gaining admittance to the New Beginnings forum just yet, but I am beginning to look longingly at it.

My thoughts in this post have to do with how my spouse's LTA changed me for my next--and hopefully final--partner in life.

This is what I know: I will never be the same again. But I have been shaped--wrenched--into a better human being. I am a better father. A stronger man, though I have felt weak. And I am a human being more capable of love--true love--than I ever was before.

What I assumed was love, was not. I am through analyzing what it was instead. It does not matter to me so much any more. It is not worth my emotional energy, for I have little left. What does remain I am saving for my true love.

I will recognize love more readily, and express it more deeply. My next partner will be loved like none has loved her before. My love will never be doubted. She will feel it every day in words, yes, but ultimately in actions that will leave no doubt that she is safe, that I am safe to love and to commit to, a man who is vulnerable and proud of it--one who sees his vulnerability not as a sign of weakness but of strength, as a badge of honor that was hard-won, earned in battle.

She will be loved selflessly, generously, respectfully and fully.

And nobody--nobody--who falls short of loving me in turn the same way, will ever be admitted to my realm of intimacy.

What will your new life partner be like? How will she/he love and be loved?

How has this bitter battle changed you for the better?

suckstobeme posted 7/7/2013 18:50 PM

What a sweet post.

I don't know how this mess has changed me for the better. I think, like you, I will be more alive next time and I will recognize and appreciate real love. I thought what I had was love too, but as it turns out, it was the "love" that only a narcissist can give and I was the feed. I tolerated so much less than what I deserve.

Next time, I can only hope I find a true partner who wants to know me inside and out. Someone who wants to protect me and cherishes my heart. I don't need someone else to take care of me, but it would be so nice if someone wanted to. I will communicate directly and no longer let someone else trample over my boundaries. In short, I won't settle ever again.

inconnu posted 7/7/2013 18:57 PM

just so everyone knows, NB is not just about dating and the new relationship after divorce. It's about having a group of cheerleaders, advisers, and even 2x4 swingers as we navigate the unknown territory after divorce and rebuild our lives.

Don't feel like you need to be starting a new relationship to be able to post in NB.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/7/2013 18:57 PM

I wish you great success with your future love mate, yet to be found but nonetheless yours to be found.

The way this has shaped me is this. I will concentrate on raising my two children. Finding a soulmate is not in my future. I have no desire to go down the road of marriage again. I was blindsided once. No mas.

stillhere09 posted 7/7/2013 20:16 PM


I wish you all the best, Abbondad.

As for me, I am now living alone, working hard, and loving it.

I will never again have the trust to enter into a relationship. After what I've been through, I'd rather not take the chance. And I do enjoy very much the life I have now, focused on my kids and grandkids.

I am sure you will find someone deserving of your love in time. I'm sure you know the red flags to look for before even beginning a relationship, and it sounds like you will know how to treat her when you find her.

allfalldown posted 7/7/2013 20:25 PM

What I assumed was love, was not. I am through analyzing what it was instead. It does not matter to me so much any more. It is not worth my emotional energy, for I have little left. What does remain I am saving for my true love.

This. I agree with every fiber of my being. I deserve this and even though it took walking through fire and being burned almost beyond recognition...

I know that one day it will be worth it to find THAT kind of love.

Here is to a bright and love filled future to all of us!

sisoon posted 7/8/2013 13:36 PM

Possible T/J -

She will be loved selflessly, generously, respectfully and fully.

And nobody--nobody--who falls short of loving me in turn the same way, will ever be admitted to my realm of intimacy.

Sounds like your 'selfless love' has a quid pro quo...that doesn't compute.

Are you in KISA mode?

We're different people, Abbondad, and I may be projecting, but IMO when you become the real Abbondad, you'll find a whole bunch of real potential partners.

What outcomes are you looking for in contemplating 'future love'?

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:40 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Ostrich80 posted 7/8/2013 14:33 PM

Hope to be there some day. I'm afraid I'm going to just be _" that crazy cat lady" down the street.

tushnurse posted 7/8/2013 14:53 PM

Although I have managed to R , I do want to say I have thought about the future without him, and fear he will leave me far too soon, based on some health stuff.

I know for a fact my next love will be myself. I will treat me with the utmost respect, give me anything my heart desires, and love me more than anyone else could. Yup, I have R'd, and I am fantastically happy, but I really don't see the need to have another partner ever.

Abbondad posted 7/13/2013 12:40 PM

Sounds like your 'selfless love' has a quid pro quo...that doesn't compute.

Are you in KISA mode?

We're different people, Abbondad, and I may be projecting, but IMO when you become the real Abbondad, you'll find a whole bunch of real potential partners.

Sissoon,

I understand what you are sensing. But no, I will not be looking to save anyone, nor will I need to be saved. This was the sort of relationship I've had with my STBXWW and this "save me" element has contributed and continues to contribute greatly to my suffering.

I resolve NOT to enter another relationship until and unless I know I am safely out of this mode. It is a recipe for dysfunction at best, and of course disaster at worst.

Just one of the many things I am working on in IC.

Thanks, Sissoon!

uptothetask posted 7/13/2013 12:57 PM

I'm for you Abbondad, just responded to a thread of several concerned the x would treat the next better.

I had two people in my past that got much better from me than they deserved. I'm happy to say, I found the one that understands meeting each other in the middle when necessary.

I trust this for you in your future

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