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Help coping with triggers

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wannarun posted 7/7/2013 21:54 PM

I see BS on here saying their WS hold them and take care of them when they trigger......mine has never done that!! He gets mean and defensive when I hurt......this is never going to be okay!! I feel so.....there is no word for the hopeless despair and uselessness I feel

homewrecked2011 posted 7/7/2013 22:03 PM

My WH wanted to come back home and I told him only with counseling, because I knew our lives would be like what you are describing.

Have you gone to IC? Does he go to MC? If not, then none of the issues are being resolved. Stopping the affair is step one. MC, IC, etc is how he HAS to participate to get to stay married to you.

I read a short,easy book, Love Must Be Tough. It says the line of respect has been crossed over and over and this another example. The book says to stand up to them because you deserve respect, love, etc....It made me stop taking any BS from him (and that was only at chapter 2).

wannarun posted 7/7/2013 22:20 PM

I am in IC though I think I need to change!! She's really not saying he needs to be held accountable she's more like I need to be the best wife I can be so he'll act right! He wanted me to go and now he doesn't want to participate he just wants me to get over it so he won't feel bad anymore

Alexisk17 posted 7/7/2013 23:00 PM

I'm sorry, everyone deserves compassion!

I have learned that when my WH gets defensive and angry in response to my triggers it's because he is feeling shame. MC helped us discover ways to communicate without letting those negative emotions rule the conversation... Not that it works 100% of the time.

wannarun posted 7/8/2013 13:51 PM

My husband has compassion.....for everyone but me for some reason!!

SorrowBhindSmile posted 7/8/2013 14:28 PM

First off.....

She's really not saying he needs to be held accountable she's more like I need to be the best wife I can be so he'll act right

If my IC/MC said this to me.....i'd bitch slap him/her as i walked out the door.....thats bullshit. I agree with you whole heartedly...get a new IC.


Perhaps he is mean and defensive because he is still in his fog. It sounds like he still cant see the full ramifications of what he has done and is still blame shifting onto you.

Will he read a book with you?? my Wh and i read together...then discuss every few chapters. Maybe if he read something in black and white...then was able to discuss with you he might begin to realize what he has done.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Just remember, you didnt make him do this. there was nothing you did to cause him to cheat. He made that choice. Hugs to you!

sri624 posted 7/8/2013 14:52 PM

Love must be tough is a great book. it really is. that is where i first started to learn about my value and worth. and how allowing him to be mean when i triggered or be insensitive was not right.

wannarun posted 7/8/2013 20:44 PM

I asked him to read how to help your spouse heal from affair so he would know what to do to help me. He said he didn't want to help me that he didn't like me enough to do something like that for me. He says he wants to stay together but he doesn't want to do the work or see the pain!! I just can't pretend to be okay anymore I just can't, and to feel like I have no one I can trust or that really sees and loves me

sailorgirl posted 7/8/2013 21:18 PM

He said he didn't want to help me that he didn't like me enough to do something like that for me.

What??? He doesn't like you enough to read an 80 page book?

wannarun, I understand your user name. From your profile I see that you want a healthy, happy marriage. I'm thinking your WH is too messed up for that to be possible.

He needs good IC and so do you.

I am sorry that he is incapable of being a decent human being right now.
((wannarun))

silverhopes posted 7/8/2013 21:19 PM

You don't have to pretend to be OK... Reality is, it's not OK. He says he doesn't want to do the work? Wants to rugsweep your pain? Says he doesn't care enough for you to help you heal? That's not R. He doesn't sound like a healthy person to be around. (((hugs)))

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