She was broken, and she made her whole world about him. And on dday, he tossed her aside.
He is back to the man I fell in love with, but I still fight the anger. How could he love me so much but lie to my face so sweetly for so long?
I made the decision to r, and also decided to stop asking questions because it made me feel worse about it all. But 5 years is a long time.
I am having a bad night, just venting a bit.
It takes time, it also takes a remorseful spouse taking responsibility for the damage they've done and actively helping us heal. We don't just get over it or past it... Unfortunately, we have to go through it and it's not easy.
For some people, it's impossible. For some people it's just a deal breaker and the only way to get past it is to get rid of the offending party. But there's no way to know for sure without trying to make things work.
What is he doing for you now? What are you doing to take care of yourself?
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but know your not alone! But whatever you do, do not rugsweep, it will come back to bite you and with a vengeance, at least for me it did.
IC was key for me and for him.
Ah, rugsweeping...I do not believe I am rugsweeping. We talked about it over and over, he answered my questions, it just got to a point where I was flipping out over things I had already flipped out about, and it made me feel out of control, and so I decided that I already had the answers I needed. Basically, he has said he became involved with her, at the time he became involved with her he thought we would be getting divorced (which is true - he had a drinking problem, and I told him I was going to divorce him. It was an ugly time in our marriage) When things got better for us, he was already in too deep, and so he kept her on the side. He was alcoholic, she supported his addiction while I fought it...I haven't posted my story yet, I will do it soon. It is long and ugly...but then again, aren't they all?
He also had already ended things with her before I found out, gave me access to him phones and vm, which proved everything he said. However, she still flipped out when he went NC on her, she would not stop calling him, texting him...he voluntarilly changed his number. I was ready for divorce, but his actions convinced me to stay.
He has made major changes since dday - for one he has stopped drinking. And I know he has completely ended things with the ow.
Some days, I just get a flash of those lies, of what kind of person he cheated on me with, and I definitely see where he had his virgin(me)/whore(her) thing going on...
Your WH needs to know how much this has affected you. He needs to know that you're still angry and exactly what you're angry about. Not only does it help create a team for you two to work through it, but it also helps cement in his head just how much devastation he's caused and the damage that he did create and helps him remember this when he is given the chance to cheat again. If the "punishment", if you will, for his crime were just a slap on the wrist, then why wouldn't he do it again? If he didn't really think it bothered you that much because you never talk about it and let him know how much you still hurt and are angry about it, then where's the real motivation for him to not cause such devastation again? Just because you said you will leave if he does it again? Did you not say that once before as well? I know I did.
Talking about the A isn't just for you, it's also for him to really understand what he's done and the pain he's caused. If you keep that anger and pain inside, it will well up and boil over at other people that don't deserve it, and it will eat you alive from the inside out. It's not healthy to keep your emotions bottled up, it's really not. It leads to ulcers, heart disease, heart attacks, and death. Seriously.
There's everything right about recognizing you feel rage - and grief and fear, too. Figure out a way to process those feelings out of your body - venting can be a BIG help. Don't stuff your feelings.
Also, check out the Healing Library (link in yellow box, upper left of SI pages) - there's a lot of good info there.
Finally for now, there's lots of great advice on SI, but only some of it will make sense to you - give yourself permission to take what you want to take and reject the rest. And give yourself permission to change your mind about what is useful as many times as you wish.
But the thing is, I know the A ended immediately and he has completely changed. He is back to the man I first met, the man I fell in love with, the man he was before I broke his heart.
Truth is, prior to our marriage, I had a R with om during a time we werent together. My now H was absolutely devastated. I immediately ended the r with om when i saw the reaction from my now.h. It breaks my heart to think about it even now, 10 years later. I later found out my now h had been planning to propose. Instead, he started drinking heavilly, walked away from his religion, started doing drugs, started having ons. He broke. And it was my actions that pushed him down that path.
I did not sweep his A under the rug, but when it started, our relationship was toxic.
I didn't know about the drugs until dday. But he was alcoholic, and I hated his drinking. Heck, I didn't even know how bad the drinking was until after we were married. I didn't know how to deal with it, I told him I was going to divorce him. This is when A began, and this woman was obsessed with him, made her whole world about him. This is in her words.
I have made it clear that any further contact with her will result in divorce. I have made it clear I will not forgive another A.
And most times I am ok. I know he is doing everything he needs to now...but I just feel this anger from time to time (daily?) about the lies.
[This message edited by DriveMeCrazy at 5:04 PM, July 8th (Monday)]
Once we are out of crisis mode, we kind of shake off the initial hit and ask WTH just happened. That is when we are able to catch our breath and start to question things and realize so much did not add up.
The problem is, our FWS seem to be into the "That was in the past. I love you. Can't we just be okay phase"