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Getting Past the Lies

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DriveMeCrazy posted 7/8/2013 00:05 AM

5 years. For almost 5 years my h was effing another woman. A stripper at that. Wtf?

She was broken, and she made her whole world about him. And on dday, he tossed her aside.

He is back to the man I fell in love with, but I still fight the anger. How could he love me so much but lie to my face so sweetly for so long?

I made the decision to r, and also decided to stop asking questions because it made me feel worse about it all. But 5 years is a long time.

I am having a bad night, just venting a bit.

Ladyogilvy posted 7/8/2013 02:51 AM

Not asking questions or rug sweeping? Trying to sweep it under the rug as if it didn't happen doesn't help get past it any faster. The lies are one of the hardest things to deal with because when they have been so successful at deceiving us, it's hard to know what is real and was isn't, past present and future. Most of us need constant reassurance that our WS really is committed to us. I know I only believe him when he is actively communicating his remorse and what he wants for our future. It's like I have no object permanence but, he behaved as if he had no object permanence didn't he?

It takes time, it also takes a remorseful spouse taking responsibility for the damage they've done and actively helping us heal. We don't just get over it or past it... Unfortunately, we have to go through it and it's not easy.

For some people, it's impossible. For some people it's just a deal breaker and the only way to get past it is to get rid of the offending party. But there's no way to know for sure without trying to make things work.

What is he doing for you now? What are you doing to take care of yourself?

scangel3 posted 7/8/2013 05:20 AM

I know what you mean, although my wh's A didn't last nearly as long as yours, his a was only 9 months long, but the lies went on for 3 years. It's the lies I can't get over, TT coming out randomly over a 2.5 year time span, which included 6 months in MC right after final dday,, which means he also lied there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but know your not alone! But whatever you do, do not rugsweep, it will come back to bite you and with a vengeance, at least for me it did.

njgal480 posted 7/8/2013 06:18 AM

So sorry you find yourself here.
I can relate. My FWH had a 5 yr LTA too.
It is traumatic to find out that the person you trusted with your life could deceive you in such a way.
I took me a long time to accept that it happened and to get to the point where we could reconcile.

IC was key for me and for him.

healingk posted 7/8/2013 06:40 AM

I do not know what the answers are for you, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am in the same place with you, 4.5 years out, it really takes a long time, and recently I have been thinking about maybe it was a dealbreaker for me, then we have a really good day. UGH Infidelity SUCKS!!

DriveMeCrazy posted 7/8/2013 08:00 AM

Thank you for the responses and kind words. It is nice to know I am not alone, but dang I wish none of us had to be here!

Ah, rugsweeping...I do not believe I am rugsweeping. We talked about it over and over, he answered my questions, it just got to a point where I was flipping out over things I had already flipped out about, and it made me feel out of control, and so I decided that I already had the answers I needed. Basically, he has said he became involved with her, at the time he became involved with her he thought we would be getting divorced (which is true - he had a drinking problem, and I told him I was going to divorce him. It was an ugly time in our marriage) When things got better for us, he was already in too deep, and so he kept her on the side. He was alcoholic, she supported his addiction while I fought it...I haven't posted my story yet, I will do it soon. It is long and ugly...but then again, aren't they all?

He also had already ended things with her before I found out, gave me access to him phones and vm, which proved everything he said. However, she still flipped out when he went NC on her, she would not stop calling him, texting him...he voluntarilly changed his number. I was ready for divorce, but his actions convinced me to stay.

He has made major changes since dday - for one he has stopped drinking. And I know he has completely ended things with the ow.

Some days, I just get a flash of those lies, of what kind of person he cheated on me with, and I definitely see where he had his virgin(me)/whore(her) thing going on...

doesitgetbetter posted 7/8/2013 09:39 AM

You don't mention how long ago DDay was either. I found out about my H's A's almost 6 years ago. We were fully reconciled at 3.5 years out, but we talked about it alllll the time. We spent the first year talking about it just about every day. The 2nd year, we talked about it just about 2 to 3 times a week. The 3rd year, at least once a week, and so on. Now, we only talk about it every few months if that, but the point is it's an open communication between us. When I am sad or triggering, I tell him and he is then able to help me deal with my triggers as a team rather than me cleaning up after his mess alone. It also helps him better understand the trauma it has caused, and helps him recognize a when a trigger is coming and how to respond. It creates a team, which promotes healing of our marriage.

Your WH needs to know how much this has affected you. He needs to know that you're still angry and exactly what you're angry about. Not only does it help create a team for you two to work through it, but it also helps cement in his head just how much devastation he's caused and the damage that he did create and helps him remember this when he is given the chance to cheat again. If the "punishment", if you will, for his crime were just a slap on the wrist, then why wouldn't he do it again? If he didn't really think it bothered you that much because you never talk about it and let him know how much you still hurt and are angry about it, then where's the real motivation for him to not cause such devastation again? Just because you said you will leave if he does it again? Did you not say that once before as well? I know I did.

Talking about the A isn't just for you, it's also for him to really understand what he's done and the pain he's caused. If you keep that anger and pain inside, it will well up and boil over at other people that don't deserve it, and it will eat you alive from the inside out. It's not healthy to keep your emotions bottled up, it's really not. It leads to ulcers, heart disease, heart attacks, and death. Seriously.

sisoon posted 7/8/2013 10:25 AM

Finding out about an A is a trauma, and trauma really effs a person up.

There's everything right about recognizing you feel rage - and grief and fear, too. Figure out a way to process those feelings out of your body - venting can be a BIG help. Don't stuff your feelings.

Also, check out the Healing Library (link in yellow box, upper left of SI pages) - there's a lot of good info there.

Finally for now, there's lots of great advice on SI, but only some of it will make sense to you - give yourself permission to take what you want to take and reject the rest. And give yourself permission to change your mind about what is useful as many times as you wish.

DriveMeCrazy posted 7/8/2013 17:02 PM

Dday was only 5 months ago, so while I am not crazy angry like I was initially, the pain is still fresh. I mean, it was devestating because our relationship has been pretty good for years now.

But the thing is, I know the A ended immediately and he has completely changed. He is back to the man I first met, the man I fell in love with, the man he was before I broke his heart.

Truth is, prior to our marriage, I had a R with om during a time we werent together. My now H was absolutely devastated. I immediately ended the r with om when i saw the reaction from my now.h. It breaks my heart to think about it even now, 10 years later. I later found out my now h had been planning to propose. Instead, he started drinking heavilly, walked away from his religion, started doing drugs, started having ons. He broke.And it was my actions that pushed him down that path.

I did not sweep his A under the rug, but when it started, our relationship was toxic.

I didn't know about the drugs until dday. But he was alcoholic, and I hated his drinking. Heck, I didn't even know how bad the drinking was until after we were married. I didn't know how to deal with it, I told him I was going to divorce him. This is when A began, and this woman was obsessed with him, made her whole world about him. This is in her words.

I have made it clear that any further contact with her will result in divorce. I have made it clear I will not forgive another A.

And most times I am ok. I know he is doing everything he needs to now...but I just feel this anger from time to time (daily?) about the lies.

[This message edited by DriveMeCrazy at 5:04 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Runninggirl posted 7/18/2013 21:40 PM

It seems like it takes a while for the absolute unbelievable shock to wear off. Weeks, months or longer~

Once we are out of crisis mode, we kind of shake off the initial hit and ask WTH just happened. That is when we are able to catch our breath and start to question things and realize so much did not add up.

The problem is, our FWS seem to be into the "That was in the past. I love you. Can't we just be okay phase"

jjsr posted 7/18/2013 21:59 PM

I am feeling this way too. In a couple weeks we will be 2 yrs from dday. He TT for 10 yrs about the E.A. and it was 3 yrs before I had his confession about the ONS. Its so hard to get over being lied to for so long and try to R and not think of it every second of the day. Its hard.

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