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Do I tell L about incident

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Rainbows posted 7/8/2013 03:21 AM

I'm S, but still living in our home due to advice from trusted friends and family who feel that it's my main bargaining chip to move the D faster.

I pay all of the utilities/insurance and can't afford to move until they're out of my name anyway. It's awkward for us, but more for STBXWH than me. I've lived with his BPD for 10 years and can deal.

His mania peaked last night and he started smashing and breaking things around the house. This happens about once a year and only when he's drunk. He has never laid a hand on me or physically hurt me.

It's terribly upsetting obviously, but my door was locked and he didn't bother me.

I'm trying to get through D without antagonizing or triggering him more than necessary. He digs in and becomes nasty (he's a lawyer) and drags things out longer because he can.

Do I tell my L the full extent of the damage and show her pics or just keep her focused on the D? He's not paying her (yet) so every time I go to her with stupid drama it costs time and money that could be spent getting D faster.

She takes everything he says very literally and has told me to just go sleep on a couch somewhere in the meantime because she worries. I did that after 1st dday and it was harder on me emotionally to be physically unsettled. I need stability somewhere in my life right now and my own bathroom.

If I tell her, she'll insist I move, but I need to have a plan and be ready first. Otherwise the stress and anxiety will be overwhelming.

Any thoughts on telling her or just keeping info in the file? I'm hoping to rent a room from a friend August 1, but don't want to be pressured to move by my lawyer before then.

I was never personally in danger at any time and would move if I felt threatened.

Nature_Girl posted 7/8/2013 03:27 AM

#1 - Do you know for a fact that YOU would be compelled to move? Is there some reason why your STBX wouldn't be told to GTFO?

#2 - Is there some reason why you are choosing to underreact? What do you get out of NOT holding your STBX accountable for his violence? Most spouses would call the cops & have their spouse removed from the home after an incident like what you describe. Most spouses would very reasonably be in fear for their lives. Most spouses would be filing for a restraining order. Why aren't you?

#3 - You are aware, aren't you, that when you're separating you're at the highest risk of domestic violence, up to and including murder. Right? You're aware of this? Are you going to continue to act as if nothing has changed, nothing is different?

So yes, I think you should tell your lawyer.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 3:28 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

lieshurt posted 7/8/2013 06:44 AM

His mania peaked last night and he started smashing and breaking things around the house.

Take picture of all of this and make a police report. I would even pursue a RO. If he thinks he can get away with this type of thing, then he won't stop and he'll use it to try to intimidate you. Don't let him.

roughroadahead posted 7/8/2013 08:28 AM

Holy shit yes. And you file for an RO and civil DV if that's available in your state. Get orders for use of the house.
Wanting to be D quickly is all well and good, but firstly there's only so much you can do speed it up anyway, and secondly, it's not worth your safety or your life!

Rainbows posted 7/8/2013 09:31 AM

Thanks for perspective and responses. I sent her an email with a couple of pictures. I really was confused at myself as to why I didn't react differently in the moment.

I hesitated to contact my L because she has wanted me to move out of here for a few weeks and I haven't followed her advice. I've been trying to see if there's a way I can work out the finances to stay. Also, living out of my car and staying w/friends gives me just as much stress and anxiety (all of my family is out of state and overseas).

I think I'm under reacting because this has happened several times over the years and I'm conditioned. The mania always culminates in something crazy like this before he cycles back down to suicidal lows. I've always locked myself in the spare room and stayed out of the way. It's never been directed at me, but he's gotten drunk and broken up houses since college. I see that's a rationalization, because I feel like kind of a tool as I type it. Just being in a house where that's happening is scary and traumatic.

Also, I hate escalating conflict. I've always been the peacemaker (usually at my expense) and am conflict avoidant. I don't like bringing police into a situation. Right after dday, he filed a bogus TRO against me, which was dismissed due to lack of evidence, but that whole process was incredibly stressful and upsetting. So much so, that my minor heart murmur has gotten worse over the past few months due to stress.

I've just been trying to get S agreement with him using reason when he's in a lucid calm place so I can move out without more insanity.

Most likely I'll have to move because even though we have lived here together the whole time he's owned the house, it's titled under his name and we didn't get married until 2 years after it was purchased. The fact that utilities have been under my name the whole time doesn't really matter apparently. Also, I'm not in the best position to buy him out and may not be able to afford payments if I manage a refinance to do so. One of the lawyers I spoke with had said that if I'm given use of the house I'll owe to him in the end (or it will come out of my support) if I'm ultimately ordered to move.

I took lots of picture because it looks like a crime scene (literally, because he also cut his foot at some point). Thank you again for guidance, sometimes I need a push to stand up for myself.

jennie160 posted 7/8/2013 10:19 AM

Take picture of all of this and make a police report. I would even pursue a RO.


I suffered through 7 years of these manic episodes. Looking back I wish I would have gone to the police, but at the time it was "normal" to me. Trust me, if you don't file a police now you will be kicking yourself weeks, months years down the road.

I pay all of the utilities/insurance and can't afford to move until they're out of my name anyway.

Are these paid up to date? Can you call the utility company and close out your account? When they got shut off he would be force to put them in his name.

Rainbows posted 7/8/2013 10:32 AM

That makes sense, it feels normal.

The utilities are all current (and expensive since I pay all the bills, insurance, etc. except mortgage). I can't change any accounts because in my state once you file D automotic restraining orders go in place preventing spouses from changing or canceling accounts without an agreement.

That's why I've been trying to keep things smooth and not to trigger him. He is reasonable and fair when he doesn't feel threatened or defensive.

Skan posted 7/8/2013 19:56 PM

Can you negotiate with him? Show him the photos, tell him that your lawyer wants to file an RO and a get-the-hell-out-of-the-house motion on him, and let him know that if he agrees to you cancelling the utility/whatever accounts, that you will not follow through with the suggestion. A quid pro quo, if you will. He should understand that.

Ashland13 posted 7/9/2013 08:52 AM

Oh Rainbows,

I'm worried for you.

Don't wait too long. Don't think a locked door will protect you if this man is violent and angry.

There is another post about "underacting" and I agree. Safety above all else, even though I understand from your writing that you seek stability-I do, too, but if I felt anyone was in danger, we would be out, post haste.

I hope there's a way for you not to underestimate your WH and I don't know how you're going to get any peace or ability to recover while you are under the same roof as this man.

Yes, I agree 100% about getting an RO (Restraining Order, I believe?) and securing your very own physical safety first.

Then, get HIM out of the house that YOU pay bills for! He is a lawyer, that's a good salary even for a lousy lawyer (attempt at humor here), so my instinct is that he should pay something and not freeload.

Are you recording what you pay for bills and keeping records of activities?

I understand about lawyer pressure and not being ready to make big decisions, if anyone does. L in my case wanted me to do some things for protection and it really rattled me. I got some of it sorted out with STBXH by making various "agreements" that have harsh penalties for him and so far, they've been ok.

But here there isn't anything physical, for I believe he's too cowardly...and not around anyway.

Apologies for my long-winded post. I have been in mind, where you seem to be and I have a lot of empathy and courage for you.

I can't stand to think of anyone on this earth holed up in a room somewhere and will be thinking of you often throughout my day.

And I just want to repeat, that I think for your own self, that some way of moving forward has to come, because I worry that you are hindering your very own healing-I did this. It's hell.

Ashland13 posted 7/9/2013 08:55 AM

P.S. Just wanted to add that with my L, I make a list in a notebook big enough to fit in my purse-I let no one see this but him-and I journal any little thing or any big thing that occurs with regard to STBXH that isn't right on course with our papers.

I save it for a time when I am going to meet or communicate with L anyway and even if I don't get to mention it to him verbally, I have it at least. So much happens sometimes that by tomorrow I could forget, or be over the pain and emotion and that man could get away with even more.

It's about our daughter and baby coming now and for me, nothing is more important than our well being-not his.

I don't know if that helps any as food for thought and the L expenses, but FWIW, it also gets it out of my head to write it down, sometimes.

I wish you well and able to keep safe while you make decisions for your future.

Mousse242 posted 7/9/2013 19:59 PM

His mania peaked last night and he started smashing and breaking things around the house. This happens about once a year and only when he's drunk. He has never laid a hand on me or physically hurt me.

Whether he has hit you or not, call 911 when this happens. Period.

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