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He's an asshat-my story-long

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Duffy1958 posted 7/8/2013 04:37 AM


Sent from my iPadMy husband & I have been together for 13.5 years. Married 3.5.
This last Fathers Day my husband & I celebrated by ourselves. I made him a beautiful card, handwritten, telling him what a great father I knew he was, giving examples. I made us a beautiful steak dinner over the pit, keeping the fire going, cranked up the 70's music & had a very nice dinner outside at the picnic table. The next day we took a road trip & had a very enjoyable day together.

The following weekend we were invited to 2 BBQ's by his sons as a belated Fathers Day celebration.

The first was wonderful after having strained feelings.

The second BBQ was with #2 stepson & his longtime GF. We were invited, along with the GF, A's father & unbeknownst to me, the kids' mother, R.

R hates my & my husbands guts, barely being civil at previous graduations, weddings etc. She talks to me because I force her. She refuses to talk to my husband & evidently bad mouths him at every turn, even though she was the unfaithful one, wanting a divorce over 25 years ago, I might add.

The first hour, I was outside with my husband & stepson. R & A stayed in the house. I don't know what they were doing. It wasn't cleaning.

We then all went inside to eat. The kids are young, their house is dirty, whatever, they are kids. We all sat wherever to eat. My husband & I sat in the living room together. Twice during this hour of the evening, I was in close proximity to R. A disastrous & uncomfortable conversation about nothing was one instance. (She is odd) the second time I was sitting next to her on the couch & she is eye f$cking my wedding ring & diamond bracelet. I withdrew my hand. I felt really icky about her doing that.

At one point I started talking to #3 son about photography I had done w STEP grandchildren. (their emphasis, not mine) I could feel the hatred in the air coming from R. I will say I kind of rubbed it in. How dare she act as though grandkids can only love one person.

After this, my husband is sitting on the front couch, R gets up to search for a movie which the 6 shelves of movies is a few feet from where my husband is sitting. I was in conversation with A on a couch directly behind my husband & I notice out of the corner of my eye, that R is putting a lot of body language into, now cleaning the movie shelf. Hmmm. My convo with A dropped off. I noticed my husband is not watching, he is talking to his son. (it's crowded) I watched R for a few minutes, then I got up, openly laughed (for myself, no one noticed) & went out to the car. It isn't the first time R has pulled something. She does SOMETHING every time. When I stood up, I was irritated because women who play games like that piss me off but at that time I felt confident enough in my marriage. I thought, should I stay & see how his plays out? I thought "eff her, efff him if he watches, eff them both."

I went out to our car for at least 45 minutes entertaining myself on my iPad. (Thank you Jesus) When I went back in, no one had moved except for now my husband is eye f$cking R while she is cleaning the movie shelf. I told my husband "let's go" No problem-we left.

I didn't mention what I saw on the way home but I did ask my husband WHY would R come to a Fathers Day dinner when she hates your guts? He doesn't know but he didn't know she was going to be there. I believe that part.

The following week I knew stepson #2 & his wife/children were coming up. I knew my husband knew, yet he hadn't said anything. Hmmm. Sirens are going off. Friday night was the last night my husband had to tell me son was up. I purposely did not talk with him about work or anything else, to GIVE him the opportunity & he did not.

Saturday morning, my husband SPRINGS out of bed @ 10:30, he usually sleeps until 1, he works late. He scrambles around, I said nothing even though I understood what I was watching. 15 minutes he is getting dressed etc. LOTS of cologne. Then my husband announces "#2 son "dropped" in last night. Gonna run visit before I go to work, I'll go to work from there."

Even though I was seething, I knew he had manipulated this sitch, I said, "When you get in maybe we can discuss why you lied to me about #2 sons visit." He didn't have time to answer he had to go.

I noticed, before I blew his lie up, he was happy. I have told him, he laughs w a genuine laugh when he talks to R in the past. He doesn't have the same laugh w me. He was so happy of heart.

I ask him the next day if "R" was there & if he had gone to work. No she wasn't & yes he had. I think those things are true. It is OBVIOUS to me he thought there was a chance R would be there.

My husband is Hispanic & was raised Catholic. His marriage of 18 years were his everything. 4 boys, all born at home, the brothers cutting the embilicle cord as each brother was born. R for whatever reason, cheated and insisted on a quick divorce leaving my husband clueless & broken. 13+ years later, I enter the picture. I have always respected my husbands "first love", his upbringing etc. My husband, when we would be with the kids, (they were older teens) he would tell the boys "take care of your mom etc" I never had a problem with it & respected it.

NOW I have told my husband how dare he take something good I offered him & turn it into sh*t.

My girlfriend says "you don't want to get a divorce over an eye f$ck" No, I don't want to divorce at all but I am no longer secure in my marriage.

I confronted my husband about being secretive about son #2 coming up & he lied. Lied through his teeth. Even making up a conversation he says we had.

I then confronted him about watching R & exaggerated body language for 45 minutes. He lied. I expected that but all of the other things he said say he is guilty as sin.

One if his brilliant responses was "do you think I would do something like that this late in the game?" Game? What f$cking GAME are you talking about? I have always known he had a "soft spot" I thought a MATERNAL feeling towards the ex. She is not very bright. I've always felt kind of bad for her.

I give you my word she looks like an old version of the wicked witch of the west. It isn't about looks. I'm an attractive woman, I take care of myself. She is 5 years older than me
& haggard looking. It's not about looks.

I told my husband, there is something about R that does something for him, which I can not. I don't take it personally & never have. I DID feel loved & secure in my marriage. Now? No.

I think what happened is R coming to Fathers Day dinner & all the body language got my husbands hopes up. After all these years she came to her senses & wanted back the family they had.

I came to that conclusion after confronting my husband about going to meet the kids & not leaving ANY opportunity to go with him. He had had lengthy text messages with #2 son about when they would be here & the plans they made to ride motorcycles together.

He says I forgot. No I didn't because I had been waiting a week to see if he would mention it.

He called me crazy. Blah blah blah. ALL of the things cheaters say, he said it. He just doesn't realize it. It has been solely his response to my questions which bring me to the conclusion, I have wasted my time. I'm 55 & I am not about wasting my time.

I think I nipped a full blown affair in the bud but that's NOT what I signed up for. I told my husband I feel as though he views me as a side piece and I am NOT someone's side piece.

He thinks this is all going to blow away. It's not. He also took an additional day off during the blow out & didn't tell me until late night the night before. I think he was still trying to hedge his bets.

I am 180 as best I can. We just bought a house with my daughter & son in law last year. I won't do anything to jeopardize their property. I need to find employment which is trickier with my health but I am determined.

He won't come clean to anything. He has an answer for everything but they aren't answers. Kwim? Calling me crazy because he lied is a big ass deal to me.

Relationships are give & take & we have been through a lot in 13.5 years. He has been %100 in before but has not been for awhile. By awhile I probably mean a few years. I know I will cry when I think about it so I will wait a bit.

I'm strong & determined but I hurt & feel the wounds. I am so pissed off at him. He held me two nights in a row & he hasn't done that in 5 years.

I know this seems small in comparison to other stories, do I sound petty? No. I know what I saw, and what I saw was he left me to go to what he must have thought would be her. A gathering of all the family in celebration of #2 son visit. I'm still stunned to tell you the truth. He had cleaned the car, cologned up, lied & ran out the door. And he is STILL lying.

[This message edited by Duffy1958 at 2:36 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Duffy1958 posted 7/8/2013 04:48 AM

I have my stepsons numbered wrong. It was SS#3 whom we went to the BBQ & SS#2 who was coming to visit.

I should add there have been a "few" red flags over the years as to my husbands mindset towards R. I thought wrongly that my marriage was secure.

momentintime posted 7/9/2013 01:21 AM

Just wanted to let you know you were heard. You have a right to your feelings. I don't think you are being petty at all.

I agree he deliberately mislead you. Only you know what you will or won't tolerate when it comes to R. Don't give him an opportunity to ogle her, never leave the battle field. Make him accountable for his actions. Her, she isn't 1/10th your worth. He needs boundaries ASAP.

Skan posted 7/9/2013 12:39 PM

You know, there is no reason on earth why he needs to see the OW. None. The children are grown so there are no child-care issues. The divorce is long done so there are no financial reasons. So he just doesn't need to see her at all.

I would insist that he go completely NC with her. Write her a NC letter stating that he does not want to see her again because of her hurtful actions towards you. (You see the letter before it's sent and you jointly send it) He tells the kids that he loves them, but he does not want to see his XWW and for the sake of his marriage, if she is there, he cannot be he will leave if she shows up and re-schedule a time to see them, with you, at another time. And he doesn't get to visit alone anymore because, well, he's proven that he has poor boundaries and is a liar to boot.

I wouldn't stand for this crap from his XWW any more than I would stand it from some free-range hussy trying to squat on my range. Drive her the hell off and tell him that since he can't fence himself in, you're going to help him do so. Or he can hop the fence and go forth and be fruitful in the wilderness, which is a very fancy way of saying FTG. (((hugs)))

Duffy1958 posted 7/9/2013 13:46 PM

Thank you for responding Skan. I wanted to edit my post because I realize it sounds stupid. It's hard to write the context in which things happened.

My husband & I had a long talk yesterday & I conclude, once again, he's just not that into me.

I know my husband had children with her, I don't know if that's the strongest tie. I don't think so. It seems like a sexual tie. He would totally be into anal sex ( in the old days) I am not going for anal. Maybe she did? It's a big thing for him & they were married 18 years.

He continues to lie. We took a road trip yesterday, I knew it was best opportunity to talk. He was Mr. Charming. He thinks this will all go away.

I don't know why all of those "coincidences" happened so close together but I don't believe in coincidences.

We went back & forth in the conversation & I told him, "Bottom line, if NONE of those things occurred, you still have no affection etc towards me. We've argued about it before."

He has been guarding his phone. I wanted to call him on that but thought better of it.

I won't live like this. I'm not someone's hedge bet. Side piece? I want to vomit & then I'm pissed!

I didn't explain the situation very well & I am too tired to fix it. It is what it is & I know enough that something is WAY up.

Not. Gonna.

Duffy1958 posted 7/9/2013 13:58 PM

The ex wife is a duffus. Only HE would be attracted to her. I'm of the opinion if you can get my husband, you are gonna keep him. It is HIS inappropriate responses to her BS over the years which has caused problems which is what I told him.

I have ex'es & we have had problems but I didn't deny the wrong behavior, it was dealt with & no problem now.

He says he didn't notice her antics. Hmmm an ex cop of 30 years not aware of his surroundings. Not gonna happen.

I told him every response he had was scripted from cheaters book 101. I said, if it doesn't add up. Something is wrong. I'm not driving myself crazy.

To call me crazy, when what I said was perfectly reasonable?

I could go on & on because I'm so mad & hurt but I will try to stop now.

doggiediva posted 7/9/2013 16:16 PM

****I wouldn't stand for this crap from his XWW any more than I would stand it from some free-range hussy trying to squat on my range. Drive her the hell off and tell him that since he can't fence himself in, you're going to help him do so. Or he can hop the fence and go forth and be fruitful in the wilderness, which is a very fancy way of saying FTG. *****

I like that paragraph written above..

BTW you are not being petty at all...Not only did you trust your gut, but you figured out why it was screaming..and you discussed it with your H..

Your husbands disrespect of your feelings about his behavior with his XW (Ms Dufus) says a lot about where his priorities are..

Because of your H's behavior towards Ms Dufus at these family gatherings, it might be time to make your house the venue of future family gatherings.....without Ms. Duffus present..

I sent you a PM....


doggiediva posted 7/9/2013 16:22 PM

I just read one of the posts upthread...Icckkk..Anal?...My WH is all into anal as well..I didn't like it at all as a part of bedroom play...
Then there is that possibility of future fecal incontinence due to damage to the anal sphincter..IMHO that body part is not designed to accommodate a penis or a dildo

Duffy1958 posted 7/9/2013 19:45 PM

The anal thing is/was a big issue. I think it is disrespectful to women. "Why you wanna take my vagina out of the equation?" "Greeks do it" "I don't know what Greeks do, I'm not Greek."

He said one if his solutions was to never be in her presence again. I don't understand animosity which
stretches 30 years.

I ask my husband, "How long have y'all been divorced?" he thought said
" seeeventy, I Don't know!" it was as though he didn't want to think of the reality of how long it's been.

He was leaving his options open for the week his #2 son & family were here & they did not include me.

When we were talking last night & I said if nothing else is true, you are not into me. Dead silence the rest of way home.

I did drop the bombshell on him that R has a new job at teacher to inmates at a local prison. She is already too familiar with some. Train wreck. I told him I knew it would eat at him. I was mean. I also said something about his kids & the grandkids new stepfather being convict. His response? I don't care. Really? He is retired law enforcement 30 years & he doesn't care. It doesn't make sense to me.

I have thought about a letter of some sort to R. If I were to stay in the marriage something like that would be definite.

I'm just so sick of the sordid mess! I have other life involvements worth my effort & energy. I'm with him over 13 years, graduations, weddings, he married/officiated #4 wedding. #2 son officiated our wedding. 5 way bypass. Etc etc. And because this creepy, creeper is his kids mother, wiggled her tale, with no other promise, I can see. Bam. Gone. Out the door. I'm saying this for myself as much as anyone. I feel like I stepped in a bad episode of twilight zone. Yet it's not & I have HUGE things to do. I AM working my list. I'm so pissed off at him.

[This message edited by Duffy1958 at 8:02 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/10/2013 07:25 AM

He would totally be into anal sex ( in the old days) I am not going for anal. Maybe she did? It's a big thing for him & they were married 18 years.

Guess he'll get to live on his memories, then.

Why does he think she'd be interested in a lying cheater whose impotent? Either she's completely desperate or a complete imbecile - or both.

I think you're smart doing your best to try to become financially independent. These two completely disrespecting you right in your FACE at the barbecue and then the subsequent complete disrespect with the sneaky behavior is nauseating.

I truly hope you find a job soon so you have more options available to you.

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