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I've forgiven her

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LonelyHusband posted 7/8/2013 06:02 AM

I told OktoberMest yesterday that I have forgiven her.

I've come to realise in the last few weeks that I was holding on to the anger as a shield, and the only thing it was doing was holding us, and me, back. I've come to realise I don't need it anymore. Staying angry at her achieves nothing. She's seeing an IC regularly and is clearly both remorseful and is changing and growing. It's me that's been frozen. I've been held in place, clinging to the anger as a defensive shield. I don't need it any more. So I've let it go.

and you know what changed when I told her I had forgiven her. Nothing. And everything. Nothing changed because we are still we. She is still remorseful. I am still hurt by the affair but healing. We are both growing as people. We are both working on our marriage. So nothing changed. And yet I feel relieved, free, lighter. I feel as if I have let go of a weight I have carried for two years.

Losing our beloved cat brought us closer together. she kept us together at the beginning and in the end allowed me to let go of my anger and become closer to my wife. Perhaps that's why Eva was placed on the world and why she was taken so soon. Her job was done.

The affair had a massive impact on our lives. It will define how we heal and change, but I won't continue to let it define me as a person. So fuck it, it's just history.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 6:09 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

wifehad5 posted 7/8/2013 06:21 AM

Unagie posted 7/8/2013 06:24 AM

LH I am glad for you and oktober. Its a long road I am glad you have each other.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/8/2013 06:53 AM

painpaingoaway posted 7/8/2013 07:04 AM

Yay! Wonderful! I'd say that's cause for a happy dance:

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:05 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

wert posted 7/8/2013 08:03 AM

I feel as if I have let go of a weight I have carried for two years.

Just put it down. I know it sounds easy, but we humans simply carry to much shit around with us. Shit we don't need.

I have read a lot about forgiveness. Opinions are a dime a dozen. Truth is a persons soul needs to do that release. Sounds like you have - congrats!

You should be proud of yourself.

Take care....

sisoon posted 7/8/2013 10:16 AM

A great step forward for you and for OktoberMest - I'm very happy for you.

Darkness Falls posted 7/8/2013 10:21 AM

I'm glad for you both.

confused615 posted 7/8/2013 10:26 AM

LonelyHusband posted 7/8/2013 10:49 AM

What forgiveness is to me -

Am I still hurt, sure. Do I still trigger, yup. Do I feel like less of a man sometimes. Yeah. Am I terribly sad my wife had an affair. Yes.

But

Do I understand why she had an affair. Yeah. Could have been me tbh. Do I think she will do it again. Never say never, but I can't live in fear any more. Am I angry she had an affair. In all honesty no. I'm all angered out. 2 years of raging against reality and I'm done. She's was a muppet, but I still love her. Do I resent her. I did, in all honesty. I wanted her to suffer like I suffered. I wanted her to scream in anguish at the world. Now I;d feel like a shit if she was upset due to my actions. Do I want to live as equals again. Yes. Do I believe we are still fucked up. Hell yeah, but we know ourselevs and each other a lot better these days. We know how to communicate, and what we need to work on.

And finally, is there anger still there underneath the surface. Probably, but I'll work it out and won't be defined by it. For two years OktoberMest would say "you didn't wash up your breakfast bowl" and I'd think "well fuck you, you had an affair". I'm done with that. It's bollocks and it hurts no-one but me.

Forgiveness for me is about living free again. Free to love, free to live. Letting go of the chains of resentment and anger.

Sal1995 posted 7/8/2013 10:58 AM

Congratulations LH, I bet you feel a lot better. Wishing you and OM continuing healing and growth as a couple.

sri624 posted 7/8/2013 14:50 PM

i am happy for you. thanks for giving up hope that forgiveness is possible!

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/8/2013 15:37 PM

Super happy for both of you! I'm sure I'm not alone in gleaning hope from this.

For two years OktoberMest would say "you didn't wash up your breakfast bowl" and I'd think "well fuck you, you had an affair".

This made me laugh and cry. Thanks.

SoVerySadNow posted 7/8/2013 16:48 PM

I'm happy for you two. Letting go of it sounds like it was such a relief. I read OktoberMest's post too- she clearly appreciates the enormity of what you told/gave her.
Many good thoughts to you both.

crazyblindsided posted 7/8/2013 17:50 PM

Yay!!!!!! I'm so happy to read this!

and I love this part btw:

So fuck it, it's just history

torn2pieces posted 7/8/2013 20:37 PM

Happy to hear a positive result from all your hard work!

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