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Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: I've forgiven her
LonelyHusband
♂ 34145
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told OktoberMest yesterday that I have forgiven her.

I've come to realise in the last few weeks that I was holding on to the anger as a shield, and the only thing it was doing was holding us, and me, back. I've come to realise I don't need it anymore. Staying angry at her achieves nothing. She's seeing an IC regularly and is clearly both remorseful and is changing and growing. It's me that's been frozen. I've been held in place, clinging to the anger as a defensive shield. I don't need it any more. So I've let it go.

and you know what changed when I told her I had forgiven her. Nothing. And everything. Nothing changed because we are still we. She is still remorseful. I am still hurt by the affair but healing. We are both growing as people. We are both working on our marriage. So nothing changed. And yet I feel relieved, free, lighter. I feel as if I have let go of a weight I have carried for two years.

Losing our beloved cat brought us closer together. she kept us together at the beginning and in the end allowed me to let go of my anger and become closer to my wife. Perhaps that's why Eva was placed on the world and why she was taken so soon. Her job was done.

The affair had a massive impact on our lives. It will define how we heal and change, but I won't continue to let it define me as a person. So fuck it, it's just history.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 6:09 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37632 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH I am glad for you and oktober. Its a long road I am glad you have each other.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! Wonderful! I'd say that's cause for a happy dance:

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:05 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
wert
♂ 34478
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel as if I have let go of a weight I have carried for two years.

Just put it down. I know it sounds easy, but we humans simply carry to much shit around with us. Shit we don't need.

I have read a lot about forgiveness. Opinions are a dime a dozen. Truth is a persons soul needs to do that release. Sounds like you have - congrats!

You should be proud of yourself.

Take care....



Posts: 1447 | Registered: Jan 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A great step forward for you and for OktoberMest - I'm very happy for you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad for you both.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2324 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LonelyHusband
♂ 34145
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What forgiveness is to me -

Am I still hurt, sure. Do I still trigger, yup. Do I feel like less of a man sometimes. Yeah. Am I terribly sad my wife had an affair. Yes.

But

Do I understand why she had an affair. Yeah. Could have been me tbh. Do I think she will do it again. Never say never, but I can't live in fear any more. Am I angry she had an affair. In all honesty no. I'm all angered out. 2 years of raging against reality and I'm done. She's was a muppet, but I still love her. Do I resent her. I did, in all honesty. I wanted her to suffer like I suffered. I wanted her to scream in anguish at the world. Now I;d feel like a shit if she was upset due to my actions. Do I want to live as equals again. Yes. Do I believe we are still fucked up. Hell yeah, but we know ourselevs and each other a lot better these days. We know how to communicate, and what we need to work on.

And finally, is there anger still there underneath the surface. Probably, but I'll work it out and won't be defined by it. For two years OktoberMest would say "you didn't wash up your breakfast bowl" and I'd think "well fuck you, you had an affair". I'm done with that. It's bollocks and it hurts no-one but me.

Forgiveness for me is about living free again. Free to love, free to live. Letting go of the chains of resentment and anger.


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations LH, I bet you feel a lot better. Wishing you and OM continuing healing and growth as a couple.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1488 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am happy for you. thanks for giving up hope that forgiveness is possible!


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Super happy for both of you! I'm sure I'm not alone in gleaning hope from this.

For two years OktoberMest would say "you didn't wash up your breakfast bowl" and I'd think "well fuck you, you had an affair".

This made me laugh and cry. Thanks.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm happy for you two. Letting go of it sounds like it was such a relief. I read OktoberMest's post too- she clearly appreciates the enormity of what you told/gave her.
Many good thoughts to you both.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay!!!!!! I'm so happy to read this!

and I love this part btw:

So fuck it, it's just history


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
torn2pieces
♀ 39029
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy to hear a positive result from all your hard work!

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
Topic Posts: 16

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