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LonelyHusband (original poster member #34145) posted at 12:02 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
I told OktoberMest yesterday that I have forgiven her.
I've come to realise in the last few weeks that I was holding on to the anger as a shield, and the only thing it was doing was holding us, and me, back. I've come to realise I don't need it anymore. Staying angry at her achieves nothing. She's seeing an IC regularly and is clearly both remorseful and is changing and growing. It's me that's been frozen. I've been held in place, clinging to the anger as a defensive shield. I don't need it any more. So I've let it go.
and you know what changed when I told her I had forgiven her. Nothing. And everything. Nothing changed because we are still we. She is still remorseful. I am still hurt by the affair but healing. We are both growing as people. We are both working on our marriage. So nothing changed. And yet I feel relieved, free, lighter. I feel as if I have let go of a weight I have carried for two years.
Losing our beloved cat brought us closer together. she kept us together at the beginning and in the end allowed me to let go of my anger and become closer to my wife. Perhaps that's why Eva was placed on the world and why she was taken so soon. Her job was done.
The affair had a massive impact on our lives. It will define how we heal and change, but I won't continue to let it define me as a person. So fuck it, it's just history.
[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 6:09 AM, July 8th (Monday)]
Reconciling.
“A wizard is never late. Nor is he ever early. He arrives precisely when he means to".
Apparently not an appropriate reason for coming home drunk at 2AM.
wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 12:21 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
FBH - 52 FWW - 53 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 17 & 22The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Unagie ( member #37091) posted at 12:24 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
LH I am glad for you and oktober. Its a long road I am glad you have each other.
AFrayedKnot ( member #36622) posted at 12:53 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
BS 48fWS 44 (SurprisinglyOkay)DsD DSA whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better."Knowing is half the battle"
painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 1:04 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
Yay! Wonderful! I'd say that's cause for a happy dance:
[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:05 AM, July 8th (Monday)]
D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk
wert ( member #34478) posted at 2:03 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
I feel as if I have let go of a weight I have carried for two years.
Just put it down. I know it sounds easy, but we humans simply carry to much shit around with us. Shit we don't need.
I have read a lot about forgiveness. Opinions are a dime a dozen. Truth is a persons soul needs to do that release. Sounds like you have - congrats!
You should be proud of yourself.
Take care....
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
A great step forward for you and for OktoberMest - I'm very happy for you. 
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 4:21 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
I'm glad for you both.
Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again
Staying together for the kids
D-day 2010
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 4:26 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
LonelyHusband (original poster member #34145) posted at 4:49 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
What forgiveness is to me -
Am I still hurt, sure. Do I still trigger, yup. Do I feel like less of a man sometimes. Yeah. Am I terribly sad my wife had an affair. Yes.
But
Do I understand why she had an affair. Yeah. Could have been me tbh. Do I think she will do it again. Never say never, but I can't live in fear any more. Am I angry she had an affair. In all honesty no. I'm all angered out. 2 years of raging against reality and I'm done. She's was a muppet, but I still love her. Do I resent her. I did, in all honesty. I wanted her to suffer like I suffered. I wanted her to scream in anguish at the world. Now I;d feel like a shit if she was upset due to my actions. Do I want to live as equals again. Yes. Do I believe we are still fucked up. Hell yeah, but we know ourselevs and each other a lot better these days. We know how to communicate, and what we need to work on.
And finally, is there anger still there underneath the surface. Probably, but I'll work it out and won't be defined by it. For two years OktoberMest would say "you didn't wash up your breakfast bowl" and I'd think "well fuck you, you had an affair". I'm done with that. It's bollocks and it hurts no-one but me.
Forgiveness for me is about living free again. Free to love, free to live. Letting go of the chains of resentment and anger.
Reconciling.
“A wizard is never late. Nor is he ever early. He arrives precisely when he means to".
Apparently not an appropriate reason for coming home drunk at 2AM.
Sal1995 ( member #39099) posted at 4:58 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
Congratulations LH, I bet you feel a lot better. Wishing you and OM continuing healing and growth as a couple.
sri624 ( member #33956) posted at 8:50 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
i am happy for you. thanks for giving up hope that forgiveness is possible!
BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance
20WrongsVs1 ( member #39000) posted at 9:37 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
Super happy for both of you! I'm sure I'm not alone in gleaning hope from this.
For two years OktoberMest would say "you didn't wash up your breakfast bowl" and I'd think "well fuck you, you had an affair".
This made me laugh and cry. Thanks.
fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."
SoVerySadNow ( member #36711) posted at 10:48 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
I'm happy for you two. Letting go of it sounds like it was such a relief. I read OktoberMest's post too- she clearly appreciates the enormity of what you told/gave her.
Many good thoughts to you both.
Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:50 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2013
Yay!!!!!! I'm so happy to read this!
and I love this part btw:
So fuck it, it's just history
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
torn2pieces ( new member #39029) posted at 2:37 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2013
Happy to hear a positive result from all your hard work!
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