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Tired of feeling like I "need" to protect him.

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hangingontohope7 posted 7/8/2013 07:33 AM

Its been less than 2 weeks since DDay #2.

I am just a jumble of emotions. Its been 5 years since DDay #1 and I had almost forgotten how horrible this feels... almost.

After DDay #1 he wanted to R and so I didn't really tell anyone, besides immediate family, what he had done. I didn't want people to look at him differently. And, I guess if I'm being honest, I didn't want people to think I was a fool for staying.

But now there is very little hope of R. I have asked him if he is sure this is what he wants, to be with this OW. He says it isn't about her, that we weren't working and that divorce is for the best. Talk about a serious fog.

I feel so hurt and rejected. It is taking all my strength not to expose him to the world for the lying cheater he is. Why do I feel like I need to some how protect him? I have been telling myself to take the high road, to think about what is best for the kids, to not make myself look like the "crazy wife." But, it seems so unfair that he gets to rip our marriage and family to shreds and I have to put a smile on my face. He has no clue the devastation he has caused. And, right now, I want him to feel the pain and humiliation that I feel.

frankiebaby posted 7/8/2013 08:28 AM

I'm in the same situation right now, esp since my WH is a member of the religious community, and I want his hypocrisy to be revealed to the world. Yet, another part of me doesn't want him to be publicly humiliated-- and as an aftereffect, me along with him.

HE made the mistake, not you-- and you weren't a fool for staying. You showed him mercy in giving him a second chance, and he's proven himself unworthy of that mercy. Cut him out, move on and be honest with those around you-- I wouldn't shout it from the rooftops, but I wouldn't protect him, either. He's shown himself to be unworthy of any such loyalty from you.

*hugs* He will feel pain and humiliation-- karma is is a BITCH- but it won't necessarily have to be by your hand. All the best, lots of love.

wifeno2 posted 7/8/2013 12:41 PM

You don't need to protect him. You have no obligation to protect him from himself. You have an obligation to take care of yourself, to live a life of integrity and to do what you need to get the support that is necessary right now.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of. He did not cheat because you are lacking in something or have some issue that makes you undesirable. He cheated because he is flawed. Because there is something wrong with him.

In my opinion he should be outed. He should not be protected. The people that you are close to that you could be getting support from should know what is going on. He betrayed more than just you.

It doesn't even mean that you will divide friends and family. Some may pick sides but many won't. It is up to them and how they feel about the situation. Everyone knows what my WH has done but they still like him. They just know he is broken and flawed-but still the same charming, fun guy they always knew him to be. They just now have more realistic expectations of him, just like I do.

You don't have to tell everyone what he did. But you should be able to confide in friends and family to get support. You should certainly not be expected to concoct some lie about why you are divorcing.


hangingontohope7 posted 7/8/2013 14:19 PM

I have told my parents and brother. Also, a few close friends. I have been getting a tremendous amount of support. The only person from his family that knows about this affair (and the last one for that matter) is his mother. She has tried talking to him but to no avail. Some other members of his family have taken notice that something is going on. I'm friends with many of them on facebook. And there is this huge part of me that just wants to flip out and blow up his "image" of a doting father and loving husband in from of his entire network of family and friends. But I fear it will just make me look crazy and pathetic. And, I doubt it will make me feel better. I know I should be focusing on me and my healing. Its just so hard right now. I'm trying to avoid all contact with him unless it involves our kids.

Kajem posted 7/8/2013 15:07 PM

If people ask, (and they will) tell them the truth. I protected my XH... it made my healing harder.

I recently met someone who knew us 20+ years ago... she asked what happened? I told her... I know she will pass on the information to other people who knew us when we lived in another state... I do not care how they perceive him. Maybe if he thought things thru, maybe he would have done the right thing... end the marriage before beginning a relationship.

But that's just MHO.



Sad in AZ posted 7/8/2013 16:22 PM

You have no need to protect him, but I wouldn't try to blow up his world. Like the others said, just be honest when asked why you're divorcing. I tell anyone who asks, "I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend." I really don't care what he tells people.

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