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Newest Member: HellYeaimdone (45730)

User Topic: Compassion versus settling
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am living in a world of confusion (can I R? Should I R? Do I want to R? How do I R?....) And one of the things that keeps hovering around my brain is this:
How do you know where the fine line is between (a) accepting fWH is human and is flawed, same as everybody else and (b) settling.

I feel like I haven’t explained myself well…. Let me try again…..

I am having a hard time working out whether by reconciling with this man I would be settling for less than I deserve or whether I would be graciously accepting that he is a normal, flawed human being who has made some terrible mistakes.

I believe that to a certain extent all of us who reconcile are "settling". (dodging to avoid flying bricks) By that I mean we are accepting a relationship that is less than the perfection we hoped for at the start of it. Frankly, I don’t think ONE of us would have deliberately chosen a relationship that involved infidelity down the line.

But one of the “good” things about the situation we find ourselves in is that we lose the innocent, fairytale-like view most of us had of relationships, we come to understand and accept that we are ALL flawed, we ALL have FOO issues, we ALL mess up, we ALL have egos…. So we learn to be more compassionate about these flaws in others. That’s great. But how far do we extend that compassion before it becomes detrimental to us?

I accept that my fWH has weaknesses and flaws. But HOW MUCH do I accept before I am simply using compassion and understanding as an excuse to be a doormat? To settle for less than I deserve? To tolerate behaviour that he COULD change if he was only willing to make the effort?

Thoughts?


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great question. I really don't have anything to add but that I'll be watching the replies. I realize everyone make mistakes - I make mistakes, but speaking as a wayward, I made that choice every day to answer the phone, email, etc. Those aren't mistakes. they're deliberate. And that is so hard to move forward from.

Is my BS settling for less than what he wanted? Yes. Me too. Is it worth it? not sure.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5502 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Alexisk17
♀ 39566
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two weeks after Dday I went to visit a friend of mine who lived in a different city. I took the kids and stayed with her family for a week. That week away opened my eyes up to the reality that there was a lot missing from my marraige. I had settled for less than I deserved long before Dday.

WH and I decided to try r two weeks after I had returned from this trip but now that my eyes were wide open things would have to be a lot different. The old status quo had been shattered and it was time for us to have the marraige we both longed for. In settling for each other maybe we can both win.

We both had a list of dealbreakers and went to MC to rebuild. On some level every relationship is about compromise. Neither of us are perfect. While WH is the one who stepped out of the marraige I have to accept that his infedelity was a symptom of a troubled relationship, not the cause of it. I grant him the same grace and compassion that I wish to receive myself.

Hope this all makes sense and I didn't veer too off topic!


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As cheesy as it sounds this may be a question for a couple pros/con's list.

Granted there is a huge con weighing down that side of the list. And if there is no work being done to change there is an even bigger con on the list. (I hate this word) A "mistake" from the past is accepting humanness. No attempt to learn and grow from that mistake unacceptable from any perspective.

What are the positives of your spouse that you would be giving up by leaving? What positives would you gain in your life by leaving?

I do not feel like I am settling by staying. I truly believe I would be settling by leaving. For me leaving would be the easier softer way. I have no doubt that I would find comfort and balance happiness in my life alone, and pretty quickly at that. But I do not believe that my life would be nearly as fulfilling without broevil and our kids in my daily life.

ETA: having a extremely remorseful, dedicated, and proactive WS is the pro that balances the giant con of the past.

[This message edited by Chicho at 9:10 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to accept that his infedelity was a symptom of a troubled relationship


I'm gonna have to disagree with this. It is a symptom of a troubled person. The relationship MAY be troubled, probably is, but you didn't cheat and you were in the same marriage.

Sure, my life is richer with my husband in it and having the kids for every holiday. At what price though?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5502 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ItsaClimb,

I think you have asked a very good question. I think it can be taken a step further beyond a WS who has the normal flaws the same as everyone else, and a WS with personality defects and issues that are clearly impacting his or hers life and their participation in the M relationship.

Alexisk17 raises another good point about expectations for a M. I realize now that most of my M to FWW was dysfunctional, the years before dday especially so. After this much time in a dysfunctional M, I do not think I would recognize a healthy M if it bit me in the ass. What is not enough, what is expecting too much?

I do not feel that I am being a doormat in accepting the M I have now, but I do wonder if I am selling myself short and what I could be missing either on my own not caring for FWW, or with a partner who was truly connected on an emotionally intimate level, and was able to be support for me during difficult times.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
LiedtoLucy
♀ 39246
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsaclimb-

I have been in a mighty struggle with this myself. My H was in an LTA (4years) and I ask myself WTF? Every. Single. Day. I deserve better...my 3 kids deserve better...

My H admits that he is flawed... Who isn't? Right? But how is that supposed to make ME feel better? Don't i deserve to feel better?

Most days I am truly devoted to trying to accept and move past, but for the past 3 i can't stop thinking how he lied, snuck around, and now has a "knocked up" fOW... Who somehow remained pregnancy free for 4 years... But after he broke it off with her and came clean with me.. Two weeks later she is pregnant with his baby. When is it too much for me to have to deal with? Sometimes I think that the OC is going to be the dealbreaker. I am pissed that my kids have to share their father with this OC and he will be paying child support and we barely get by with the 3 we have.

He risked EVERYTHING to f*** her and and he doesn't deserve me or our kids. But it's what I have to work with.. I dunno what else to do but hold on until I lose my grip. Maybe I can get to acceptance...maybe not ...idk



LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 179 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

being compassionate and having understanding for someone doesn't mean you have to accept their unhealthy behaviors and how those behaviors affect you.

you can accept your feelings towards him (compassion, understanding), which is healthy, but to accept him not making an effort to change, based on or in addition to that compassion, is unhealthy.

as far as accepting a relationship that is less than the perfection we hoped for at the start of it isn't really "settling" to me, but more accepting a healthier reality. this of course when the ws takes steps and follows through with making themselves healthier.


my compassion for someone is determined by me. my acceptance of someone (and their actions that affect me) is determined by their efforts and actions to change.

if he's not making the effort, then you're settling for an unhealthy relationship, no matter the depth of compassion you feel for him.


sorry if this is . not enough coffee this morning....


[This message edited by unfound at 9:19 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14866 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is only 1 critical question to begin with:

1) Do you/I want to R?

If the answer is 'yes', another question becomes critical:

2) How likely is R to be successful with this WS?

If the answer is 'Likely enough for me to stay', the critical question becomes:

3) How do we R?

And here the implementation is hard, but the answer is easy: Create and live the life and the M you and your fWS want.
***************************

I'll accept the proposition that R requires giving the WS a pass, but I don't have any sense that 'settling' is necessary. I made my choice to R as freely as a human being can, although I won't deny I went with the chemistry. But chemistry can be fought - I certainly did it successfully with other girls and women.

Yes, perhaps part of me believed she was perfect, but at the same time part of me thought that she was just about perfect for me, which is a lot different.

Anyone is vulnerable to cheating in the wrong circumstances. If I had chosen someone else, I could be still be a BS or WS. If I had different life experiences M to my W, I could be a WS or madhatter. There simply are no guarantees of fidelity.

But one practical consideration remains: a remorseful WS who does the work necessary to R has a better shot at not cheating again than any new person any of us is likely to meet. My W says she was well defended against an invitation from any man. Now she's defended against invitations from women, too. (I don't think I'll ever let her have a pet, though. )


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Alexisk17
♀ 39566
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@rachelc, I agree that WH is a flawed person who didn't have appropriate coping skills. I was in the same marriage and didn't cheat. I don't take any blame for his actions.

We both settled long before he cheated. He was an absent husband and father and I was too hard on him, always attacking. What we are doing now is the opposite of settling. Instead of just accepting the pitfalls of our previous relationship we are trying to overcome them.


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Unfound 100%.

The difference between being compassionate with someone as they grow and change, and being a doormat, is if they are indeed growing and changing.

My IC calls this "being worthy of your tears." Is he worthy of all the pain and angst? Is he worthy of your time and effort? Is he worthy of YOU? If the answers are yes, then you keep plugging away. If they are no, then you reevaluate your perceptions.

I think it is easy for a BS who has been so devastated to settle. It really is. We are simply to beaten up in the early days to accurately determine what's going on. It takes time to thaw from the trauma to be able to look at our relationships from the 10,000 foot level. It's a more intellectual evaluation of the situation, instead of being so deeply emptional about it. So I think your question is a good one, and with some evaluation, I think you will find an answer.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Jan 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC calls this "being worthy of your tears." Is he worthy of all the pain and angst? Is he worthy of your time and effort? Is he worthy of YOU? If the answers are yes, then you keep plugging away.
Love this, Rebreather. Very true. Wish I had your IC.

t/j @Alexisk17 ~ Thanks for giving me the opportunity to quote one of my favorite movie quotes for you. From the movie "When Harry Met Sally".

Jess: Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry Burns: Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife.
Many here at SI would assert that they had very good marriages. Others, like you and me, had some problems. Infidelity is not a symptom of problems in the relationship, it is a symptom of a troubled person who has poor coping skills and is selfish. end t//j

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:52 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the incredibly insightful responses to my post. There is so much to think about here!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the first days after Dday, there is no question I was settling, but it had started long before that, unfortunately. In my case, it was only after I stopped settling and being a doormat, that R was really possible. Through IC I spent A LOT of time looking at why I had been settling for a long time and why I didn't believe I deserved better. As it turned out because of my FOO issues as well as WH's we kept each other at arms length emotionally. He is a master compartmentalizer and I was happy to let him because it kept things from getting emotionally messy for me.

I made a conscious decision after 4 months of false R. I would not "settle" for the pre-A marriage, and I would not be a doormat any more. If I was going to stay married to this man then I was going to get the marriage I deserved. I would have an emotionally available husband who would do 110% of the work to fix the damage he inflicted by cheating. We both worked on FOO of issues, communication issues, and made ourselves individually as healthy as we could be. I works on healing from the betrayal and he works tirelessly at helping me heal. It is a hard road, but no part of it feels like settling to me. I know what settling looks like. I did that for a long time and it is not what I want for my future.

FWIW, both WH and I would have said we were pretty happy prior to the A. Neither of us had any real complaints, we had small kids and the same challenges as everyone. That is what has caused me so much sadness, I just never even realized how little I was really getting; and he never really knew how little he was giving.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
SimpleTruth
♀ 38507
Member # 38507
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

being compassionate and having understanding for someone doesn't mean you have to accept their unhealthy behaviors and how those behaviors affect you.

you can accept your feelings towards him (compassion, understanding), which is healthy, but to accept him not making an effort to change, based on or in addition to that compassion, is unhealthy.

^^^Exactly! I agree with unfound.
I've been figuring out what my conditions for R are and it all comes down to healthy choices. For him and myself. You're not settling if your WS is doing everything possible to be a healthier person and partner. Settling happens if they aren't doing the work and you decide to R/stay with them anyways.

Just like Unfound said:

my compassion for someone is determined by me. my acceptance of someone (and their actions that affect me) is determined by their efforts and actions to change.

if he's not making the effort, then you're settling for an unhealthy relationship, no matter the depth of compassion you feel for him.



D-Day 10/15/2012

Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
BFFGone
♀ 38263
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever come on this site only to have the EXACT message you needed pop up??

That's this thread today for me.

EA's with co w, an on off PA with another co w for 8 years...hit me like a truck on DDay.

The journey I have been on has been so ridiculously painful, but 6 months in, I'm thankful for it.

Through my IC, my yoga practice, and meditation and introspection on a massive scale, I have seen the "light" on so many issues that clouded my eyes for most of my life.

I have always been happy. Joyful. Lighthearted. Very compassionate. I was the opposite of those things for the first 4 months after DDay. I was full of rage, I even beat my WH with a lamp and broke my hand punching him.

I realized so much of that anger was toward ME. For not knowing. For being manipulated. For being put in physical danger (from stds) without my knowledge. For about 30 things (I have a list).

Now that I have forgiven ME, and I can start to look at WH and decide, am I settling by doing R? Why am I in this?

The answer is evident for me in something he asked this morning. Btw, he is really trying. In counseling, on medication, complicit with a VERY long list of boundaries and game breakers, in SA meetings, completely transparent in all communication (no texting, new phone number, no personal email...and I have access to all other means of communication.).

He turned to me and asked, "Are you here out of safety?"

I thought, then laughed. I told him the "safe" route would of been divorce. I'm smart. I would of got any and everything I needed financially.

I'm here because I'm not settling, I am redefining.

I don't want my marriage back, it was broken and defiled.

I want something new. I do love him, but I know I'm strong enough to live without him. I'm choosing not to. Any deal breakers become involved, and I would have not a second thought at kicking him out.

Don't settle. Redefine.

On YOUR terms.

((Hugs to you)
xoxo


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
5674emt
♀ 40012
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was brought up to be compassionate and that is how I let the A slip by me. OW was a friend who always needed help and WH was allowed,even encouraged to help. 3 years of going over to help(medical issues, computer issues, vehicle issues...) WH was doing OW while her H watched. Stupid me, I thought if her H was there it was safe.
WH ended it months before DD, they were to expose it but he beat them to it, because WH was done with them.
WH was transparent, called friends and family to repent and has always been committed to R whatever it takes.
7 1/2 months into R, I still feel like I am settling. I didn't cheat when things got tough. I lost confidence, faith in him, trust, & dignity. I am broken, damaged and cynical. WH has everything, wife, home, family, and with so little effort because I am compassionate and forgiving.
For now I will accept this status, it gets better every day. God is with me and I beleive I am doing right by my vows. So settle I will. It's the path I have chosen.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
tigrislilium
♀ 39893
Member # 39893
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted yesterday in the Separation/Divorce thread ("Digging in the dirt to find the places we got hurt") about this, and wondered if you would be interested in reading some of the responses, as I think it relates to this post...

I find it interesting that you are posting in the Reconciliation thread, whereas I am posting in Separation/Divorce, but we have similar questions about how to look at things. You seem to be hoping to R (as do I - I think), and your questions (can I R? Should I R? Do I want to R? How do I R?....) are EXACTLY what I sit up nights wondering, as I lay in a bed by myself, separated for the time being from my WH.

What SisterMilkshake said above is spot on: "Infidelity is not a symptom of problems in the relationship, it is a symptom of a troubled person who has poor coping skills and is selfish."

Now I quote you: "I accept that my fWH has weaknesses and flaws. But HOW MUCH do I accept before I am simply using compassion and understanding as an excuse to be a doormat? To settle for less than I deserve? To tolerate behaviour that he COULD change if he was only willing to make the effort?"

I wonder for myself: is the fact that I am even wrestling with IF and HOW I should accept/forgive my WH's infidelity a symptom of the dysfunction that I brought into our marriage in the first place?

Hmmm... how to explain myself... I guess I mean: what does it say about ME that I am even contemplating accepting such crappy treatment from a person I trusted and gave my life to? Am I a COMPASSIONATE or DYSFUNCTIONAL person for even considering Reconciliation? THAT is what I am wrestling with lately.

I'm sorry if I didn't really answer your question. I find what you asked very hard to answer, probably because you and I are in a similar stage. Thank you for posting it - it got my wheels spinning...


Me: BS, early 40s/ Him: WS, mid 40s
Married 2004
DD7
His affairs: 3 LTAs over at least 5 years, all of them overlapping at the time I found out
DDay: December 2011
Separated ~1 yr, recently reunited
attempting R

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: East coast
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TL
I guess I mean: what does it say about ME that I am even contemplating accepting such crappy treatment from a person I trusted and gave my life to? Am I a COMPASSIONATE or DYSFUNCTIONAL person for even considering Reconciliation? THAT is what I am wrestling with lately.

I struggle with this as well. I've also asked myself all of these questions. Recently I've swayed to the decision of D and filed Monday.
In my heart I know that there is so much work to do before our M becomes something that I am not "settling" for.
I didn't think I was settling before because, even though our dynamic was sometimes out of whack, we worked on it together and forgave each other for most of our faults.
Fast forward to the A, and that is why they are called "dealbreakers". You can put your faults on one side of the scale, and the WS faults on another and usually they will even out. But add an A, and the scales are broken.
Why would you stay with someone who is (in my case) conflict avoidant, always putting out fires, afraid to be alone, and refuses to do dishes if they are a cheater?
I didn't feel like I was settling before, because that would have meant that he was settling too-because neither of us are perfect!

And looking at dysfunction of R, I posted a thread a while ago which asked the question "Are the dynamics of Reconciliation healthy?"
Because I really wonder if they are. If I am a "fixer" and WS is a "slacker" and he has no coping mechanism for dealing with stress when I pull away (stop fixing him), how do we heal that dynamic while trying to work on our marriage?
I totally accept that he is human, almost to a fault. My MC had to stop me from overthinking when she asked me the question "have you felt safe in your marriage?" I began thinking about little instances and time frames and started to give a long answer about how I understood him so well and the reason why he has done things in the way he has etc etc.
She stopped me and said "Just yes or no".
I said, it's hard because I see things from all points of view. She said, just yes or no. And I started crying and said "No, I didn't feel safe" (before the A).
I have always considered myself a compassionate person. I always try to empathize with people. I was raised in an alcoholic house with an insane mom who did not parent us, lost my dad when I was 10, lost my sister when she was 21, and have gone through some crazy shit. I feel like I have perspective, and that gives me compassion for almost anyone.
However, it also provides a breeding ground for codependency and enabling. Which is where I realize my marriage has been at many points.
In fact, the dynamic was so strong, that the times I tried to correct that behavior, those were the times my WS looked elsewhere.
Sorry, I am rambling. But hopefully gave you something to think about.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But HOW MUCH do I accept before I am simply using compassion and understanding as an excuse to be a doormat?

Compassion for me is something I actually feel. And I do feel it now for my H. This has been the case only recently and it is bc his consistent determination to repair and rebuild.

When I settle for something I do not feel satisfied. Be it a sweater I bought that wasn't quite right or handing something in that I don't think is my best. It nags at me. Makes me want to return the sweater and grab my work back and try again.

I don't feel this way about the way our R is going. It's genuine. No returns.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:43 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2594 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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