SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

To stay or to leave?

I have read on here a few times people saying if they were younger they would have left or they stayed because they have put so many years into their marriage, or that they are too young to live with the lack of trust for the rest of their life.

So did your age factor into your decision to stay with your ws or leave your ws?

Sort of...the main factor in my leaving was that my STBXWW was unremorseful. She felt guilty and the A was over but she refused to do the work and own her shit. As for age, I would have left no matter how old I was but at 37 with 10 years into the relationship and marriage I would rather face the unknown than stay in a known bad situation.

Regardless of age and time in the M leaving or staying is a personal choice but for me, I would much rather be happy by myself at any age than in a relationship with a person that doesn't respect themselves and me enough to even make the attempt to try and work through their issues.

I'm 29 and leaning heavily towards leaving. I'm just tired of him and of the bullshit, and I don't think that there's any explanation he could give me that could persuade me into staying. Fidelity is VERY important to me-- he knows this, and I've said repeatedly that cheating on me would probably be the ONE thing he could do to me that would hurt me the most.

The fact that he could lie to me, deceive me, risk my health in that way and treat me with such a lack of respect after less than two months of marriage is essentially a deal-breaker for me. When we talk about it there will be NC established all right-- between me and him. I'm looking forward to this part of my life being over.

Were I older I wouldn't feel differently, BUT-- if we had children, I would likely try to stay and work it out. He can be an ass, but he's never been physically or verbally abusive, and he does take care of things financially.

I think it might. I am 53, second marriage, been together 13 years.

I can't imagine starting over and I hate the idea of living alone for the rest of my life.

I do have the thought that if I were in my 20's, 30's, or even 40's, I would be out of here so fast. This is a hard painful and exhausting path, especially when the destination is not clear.

I am *only* 34 but I think it's my 6 kids more than anything. He is trying now and I have realized I spent 16 years only worrying about him and his feelings and its time to focus on me. If he does keep his new promises then that will be wonderful but if not I will be ok - that is my goal to get to that point regardless of how many years we have been together or how old I am.

At first yes. I'm 53, 3rd M for 16 years and I'm leaving with my son that is 15.

Scared? Nope. I'll be just fine.

I can create an awesome future for us

I deserve better, DS deserves better.

It's not my ending, it's my new beginning and I'm up for it.

Yes. Age factors in.

Looking back with 20-20 hindsight, I should have run far and fast when I was in my 20's, 30's and early 40's.

The chances of any of us moving on to normal, fulfilling new relationships, diminish as we get older.

There is an age you hit where you would have to assume that if you left, you will be on your own for the rest of your life. If you do meet someone wonderful, more power to you. It's just not as likely to happen at 55 as it is at 45, which isn't as likely as at 35 or 25.

This is huge for me. I'm 33 and a career person, so I worry that if we don't R, I might be passing up my chance at children. I realize that may seem dramatic, but I have the kind of job wherein I work 80+ hours a week, take work home with me, etc. My WS took his current job (where he met the OW) because we decided that he would take a slightly more flexible track, while I maintained my work load, so we could think about building a family in a couple of years. So by giving up our relationship, I am giving up a family plan that worked for me. And, if we don't R, lord knows I'm not going to be ready to date for awhile after this whole thing. And who knows what kind of trust issues I'm going to have now once I do start dating. From that vantage point, I would be at least 3 years away from ever contemplating a family again, assuming I even meet someone...

Part of my thought process on this is that my WS and I honestly had a great relationship before this happened. Loving, kind, fought fair. The A happened when I took a job out of state for a few months and while he was going through a huge transition and stress with his job. I don't say that as an excuse-- he's still a cad for what he did-- but it seems like a situation that doesn't preclude R if he works on it (and he was in IC last time we talked).

The issue for me now is that I NC-ed him pretty fast (within 3 weeks) because he was a hot mess after DDay. He started by wanting R and initiating NC with the OW, but it became apparent pretty quickly to both of us that he wasn't ready (he didn't want to leave his job, he couldn't handle the intense conversations, he took the A underground one last time before leaving on his own business trip). I think we only had 5 conversations total before we broke up and I moved out and demanded NC for at least a couple of mos.

But even in our last conversation he was tearful, admitted he was confused, wasn't "replacing" me with the OW but, with the help of his IC, could see that he couldn't handle R "right now" given his actions (continued lying and the A). The NC term I set up is over next week, so I don't know what I'm going to get when that's lifted. Did he stick with IC? Was the A more of an EA than he let on and they are together now? Does he even want to talk to me again? I just don't know.

Ultimately the conflict becomes how much more time do you want to put into it given your life goals. If he calls/emails next week telling me he broke it off for good with the OW, has stuck with IC and has some insight into his actions, and is willing to leave that job and do what it takes, I'd be tempted to try because he has a longer history of being a good partner than a bad one. The tricky part, though, is that if I'm staying with him because I want to try to recapture our "plan" (kids, career, etc), he has shown that he cracks under pressure and displays some pretty destructive behavior-- so would I rather roll the dice on him not being able to be who I thought he was (and now someone's father) or do I want to roll the dice that I can meet (and trust!) someone again before it's too late?

Without a doubt. I often think if I had a crystal ball, I would have left 20 years ago. But now, I will not give up half the financial security I helped build for 35 years. I sacrificed for those years, not knowing that he was spending lavishly on his "hobbies," and I won't do it anymore.

But if he weren't bending over backwards to make it up to me, I wouldn't stay.

I also don't want to die alone.

Age definitely was a factor in my decision to R along with the wonderful family we have together. I just couldn't see us splitting time with our kids and grandchildren and the mess it would make of the remaining years of our lives.

But if my H didn't work hard to repair the damage, and continue to do so, I would have left.

I like my own company and although I love and enjoy it when my H is around, he has taught me I would be fine without him.

[This message edited by Alex CR at 10:34 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

During my first marriage, my age wasn't a factor. I filed for D a month before I turned 40 and wished I had done so years before. I never regretted it, except for the trauma it put my kids through. Now with WH#2 my age and health has become a factor in my staying in this marriage. At 50, I don't think that I really want to start over again. Even though my WH#2 is not really remorseful in a lot of ways, he is not cheating now and knows if it happens again I will be gone no matter what. He knows he is being watched and doesn't seem to mind that he is, he is home on time, calls if he is going to be late, shows me his paystubs, is open about texts and phone calls, etc..He just refuses to discuss the A and he is an alcholic, which I am sure was a big reason for it. Until he faces his demons we are just two people that share a home.

No for me. Age wasn't a factor in my decision.

If I was 10 more years in the marriage it wouldn't have been any different.

It would still be a false DV case and a false passport theft case, blaming my father of a sexual advances and the other re-written history.
I don't deserve this now and then. Period.

[This message edited by Happydays at 11:06 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

It was part of a many part decision.

First of all, my FWH was immediately remorseful and "doing whatever it takes" to save the marriage. Second, I do love him. Third, we still had a young teen son at home. Fourth, I am in my 50's and we have been married for 34 years, together for 36 years. We have a lot of history and we have worked hard for what we have, not willing to share that and live less than we do now.

Also, I do believe it is harder for women in their upper years to find a great man. It seems to be easier for men, and they usually want younger. I know, a generalization, but it is my opinion on what I see all around me. (Mail order brides, anyone? I see many older men around me going that route.)

With that all being said, if FWH wasn't remorseful and working hard to change (and it is very hard, I see that for him) I don't care if I was 94, I would divorce his ass.

eta: on a lighter note, , if I was 94 and he cheated on me, maybe I would just smother him in his sleep. What are they going to do? Give me life? All said very facetiously.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:58 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

I am 47 - I don't have a problem with being alone.

As of today, I am here because of my children. They are still better off with us being married than divorced.

It was a factor in host of ways. I was 38 when it all went down, and I was having real trouble with the big 4-0 looming ahead. My age made me impatient with the healing process early on. I wanted to KNOW, quickly, if shit was going to work out or not so if I was going to be single, I wanted it to be while I was still marketable.

A bit down the road, all of that became irrelevant. As I healed, I no longer cared about how I could hook another relationship. I only cared about what was good and right and healthy for me. I realized I would prefer to be alone forever, than be in an unhealthy relationship of any sort. Then my age no longer mattered at all.

The chances of any of us moving on to normal, fulfilling new relationships, diminish as we get older.

And the chances of forging a normal, fulfilling new relationship with OURSELVES become more apparent.

I chose to get out the year I turned 55. Stressing out about being alone was extremely counterproductive, so I just shelved that thought and never looked back.

Thanks to a positive role model I had in my awesome post-divorce mom (who happily lived alone until the ripe old age of 90 and enjoyed many many things she could never have done if she had been saddled with my dad) I was able to accept that being alone is not the end of the world. It's just the beginning.

Staying in an unhappy marriage is far worse in my opinion.

Google Jeanne Socrates. A powerful inspiration to anyone starting out alone.

She is 70 and alone since losing her mate to cancer a few years back.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:56 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Definitely. When he had his affair we had over 30 years history, and owned a business together. I had all I could do to put one foot in front of the other everyday - could not deal with one more thing. Now, after 4 years, we have largely de-tangled ourselves from the business and he remains very remorseful. Tells me everyday that he loves me. I wish I could reciprocate, but I just don't feel it. We are more like roommates, but we are civil and friends.
Starting over at the age of 59? Maybe if I won the lottery - but the disruption to family and friends and life in general might not be worth it even then. If I was 39 instead of 59 I would have been gone in a heartbeat.

23 and trying to R , cause he's my first love and I want it to work for us and the kids

Absolutely not. I left when I was 55, M 33 years & together for almost 39 years. I don't regret it at all.