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Newest Member: beaker98 (61489)

User Topic: Did your age factor into your decision
♀ 37274
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To stay or to leave?

I have read on here a few times people saying if they were younger they would have left or they stayed because they have put so many years into their marriage, or that they are too young to live with the lack of trust for the rest of their life.

So did your age factor into your decision to stay with your ws or leave your ws?

D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Son-born Jan. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 255 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sort of...the main factor in my leaving was that my STBXWW was unremorseful. She felt guilty and the A was over but she refused to do the work and own her shit. As for age, I would have left no matter how old I was but at 37 with 10 years into the relationship and marriage I would rather face the unknown than stay in a known bad situation.

Regardless of age and time in the M leaving or staying is a personal choice but for me, I would much rather be happy by myself at any age than in a relationship with a person that doesn't respect themselves and me enough to even make the attempt to try and work through their issues.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2211 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ 39602
Member # 39602
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 29 and leaning heavily towards leaving. I'm just tired of him and of the bullshit, and I don't think that there's any explanation he could give me that could persuade me into staying. Fidelity is VERY important to me-- he knows this, and I've said repeatedly that cheating on me would probably be the ONE thing he could do to me that would hurt me the most.

The fact that he could lie to me, deceive me, risk my health in that way and treat me with such a lack of respect after less than two months of marriage is essentially a deal-breaker for me. When we talk about it there will be NC established all right-- between me and him. I'm looking forward to this part of my life being over.

Were I older I wouldn't feel differently, BUT-- if we had children, I would likely try to stay and work it out. He can be an ass, but he's never been physically or verbally abusive, and he does take care of things financially.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it might. I am 53, second marriage, been together 13 years.

I can't imagine starting over and I hate the idea of living alone for the rest of my life.

I do have the thought that if I were in my 20's, 30's, or even 40's, I would be out of here so fast. This is a hard painful and exhausting path, especially when the destination is not clear.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3324 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am *only* 34 but I think it's my 6 kids more than anything. He is trying now and I have realized I spent 16 years only worrying about him and his feelings and its time to focus on me. If he does keep his new promises then that will be wonderful but if not I will be ok - that is my goal to get to that point regardless of how many years we have been together or how old I am.

Me (BS): 36
Him aka narcissistic psychopath (WS): 36
Married 17 years 6 kids ages 16-7
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

Filed for divorce 5/8/15

Posts: 326 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 28555
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first yes. I'm 53, 3rd M for 16 years and I'm leaving with my son that is 15.

Scared? Nope. I'll be just fine.

I can create an awesome future for us

I deserve better, DS deserves better.

It's not my ending, it's my new beginning and I'm up for it.

"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Age factors in.

Looking back with 20-20 hindsight, I should have run far and fast when I was in my 20's, 30's and early 40's.

The chances of any of us moving on to normal, fulfilling new relationships, diminish as we get older.

There is an age you hit where you would have to assume that if you left, you will be on your own for the rest of your life. If you do meet someone wonderful, more power to you. It's just not as likely to happen at 55 as it is at 45, which isn't as likely as at 35 or 25.

Me - BS
WH - old
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1569 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is huge for me. I'm 33 and a career person, so I worry that if we don't R, I might be passing up my chance at children. I realize that may seem dramatic, but I have the kind of job wherein I work 80+ hours a week, take work home with me, etc. My WS took his current job (where he met the OW) because we decided that he would take a slightly more flexible track, while I maintained my work load, so we could think about building a family in a couple of years. So by giving up our relationship, I am giving up a family plan that worked for me. And, if we don't R, lord knows I'm not going to be ready to date for awhile after this whole thing. And who knows what kind of trust issues I'm going to have now once I do start dating. From that vantage point, I would be at least 3 years away from ever contemplating a family again, assuming I even meet someone...

Part of my thought process on this is that my WS and I honestly had a great relationship before this happened. Loving, kind, fought fair. The A happened when I took a job out of state for a few months and while he was going through a huge transition and stress with his job. I don't say that as an excuse-- he's still a cad for what he did-- but it seems like a situation that doesn't preclude R if he works on it (and he was in IC last time we talked).

The issue for me now is that I NC-ed him pretty fast (within 3 weeks) because he was a hot mess after DDay. He started by wanting R and initiating NC with the OW, but it became apparent pretty quickly to both of us that he wasn't ready (he didn't want to leave his job, he couldn't handle the intense conversations, he took the A underground one last time before leaving on his own business trip). I think we only had 5 conversations total before we broke up and I moved out and demanded NC for at least a couple of mos.

But even in our last conversation he was tearful, admitted he was confused, wasn't "replacing" me with the OW but, with the help of his IC, could see that he couldn't handle R "right now" given his actions (continued lying and the A). The NC term I set up is over next week, so I don't know what I'm going to get when that's lifted. Did he stick with IC? Was the A more of an EA than he let on and they are together now? Does he even want to talk to me again? I just don't know.

Ultimately the conflict becomes how much more time do you want to put into it given your life goals. If he calls/emails next week telling me he broke it off for good with the OW, has stuck with IC and has some insight into his actions, and is willing to leave that job and do what it takes, I'd be tempted to try because he has a longer history of being a good partner than a bad one. The tricky part, though, is that if I'm staying with him because I want to try to recapture our "plan" (kids, career, etc), he has shown that he cracks under pressure and displays some pretty destructive behavior-- so would I rather roll the dice on him not being able to be who I thought he was (and now someone's father) or do I want to roll the dice that I can meet (and trust!) someone again before it's too late?

BS / D

Posts: 886 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without a doubt. I often think if I had a crystal ball, I would have left 20 years ago. But now, I will not give up half the financial security I helped build for 35 years. I sacrificed for those years, not knowing that he was spending lavishly on his "hobbies," and I won't do it anymore.

But if he weren't bending over backwards to make it up to me, I wouldn't stay.

I also don't want to die alone.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 6246 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Age definitely was a factor in my decision to R along with the wonderful family we have together. I just couldn't see us splitting time with our kids and grandchildren and the mess it would make of the remaining years of our lives.

But if my H didn't work hard to repair the damage, and continue to do so, I would have left.

I like my own company and although I love and enjoy it when my H is around, he has taught me I would be fine without him.

[This message edited by Alex CR at 10:34 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

BS Me 63
WS Him 64
Married 35
Together 41
DD 11/16/09
I can dwell in the negative or seek the road is lonely...the other teeming with life.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During my first marriage, my age wasn't a factor. I filed for D a month before I turned 40 and wished I had done so years before. I never regretted it, except for the trauma it put my kids through. Now with WH#2 my age and health has become a factor in my staying in this marriage. At 50, I don't think that I really want to start over again. Even though my WH#2 is not really remorseful in a lot of ways, he is not cheating now and knows if it happens again I will be gone no matter what. He knows he is being watched and doesn't seem to mind that he is, he is home on time, calls if he is going to be late, shows me his paystubs, is open about texts and phone calls, etc..He just refuses to discuss the A and he is an alcholic, which I am sure was a big reason for it. Until he faces his demons we are just two people that share a home.

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9017 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♂ 38681
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No for me. Age wasn't a factor in my decision.

If I was 10 more years in the marriage it wouldn't have been any different.

It would still be a false DV case and a false passport theft case, blaming my father of a sexual advances and the other re-written history.
I don't deserve this now and then. Period.

[This message edited by Happydays at 11:06 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was part of a many part decision.

First of all, my FWH was immediately remorseful and "doing whatever it takes" to save the marriage. Second, I do love him. Third, we still had a young teen son at home. Fourth, I am in my 50's and we have been married for 34 years, together for 36 years. We have a lot of history and we have worked hard for what we have, not willing to share that and live less than we do now.

Also, I do believe it is harder for women in their upper years to find a great man. It seems to be easier for men, and they usually want younger. I know, a generalization, but it is my opinion on what I see all around me. (Mail order brides, anyone? I see many older men around me going that route.)

With that all being said, if FWH wasn't remorseful and working hard to change (and it is very hard, I see that for him) I don't care if I was 94, I would divorce his ass.

eta: on a lighter note, , if I was 94 and he cheated on me, maybe I would just smother him in his sleep. What are they going to do? Give me life? All said very facetiously.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:58 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13361 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 47 - I don't have a problem with being alone.

As of today, I am here because of my children. They are still better off with us being married than divorced.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse

Lawyers involved.

Posts: 689 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a factor in host of ways. I was 38 when it all went down, and I was having real trouble with the big 4-0 looming ahead. My age made me impatient with the healing process early on. I wanted to KNOW, quickly, if shit was going to work out or not so if I was going to be single, I wanted it to be while I was still marketable.

A bit down the road, all of that became irrelevant. As I healed, I no longer cared about how I could hook another relationship. I only cared about what was good and right and healthy for me. I realized I would prefer to be alone forever, than be in an unhealthy relationship of any sort. Then my age no longer mattered at all.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The chances of any of us moving on to normal, fulfilling new relationships, diminish as we get older.

And the chances of forging a normal, fulfilling new relationship with OURSELVES become more apparent.

I chose to get out the year I turned 55. Stressing out about being alone was extremely counterproductive, so I just shelved that thought and never looked back.

Thanks to a positive role model I had in my awesome post-divorce mom (who happily lived alone until the ripe old age of 90 and enjoyed many many things she could never have done if she had been saddled with my dad) I was able to accept that being alone is not the end of the world. It's just the beginning.

Staying in an unhappy marriage is far worse in my opinion.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 20699 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Google Jeanne Socrates. A powerful inspiration to anyone starting out alone.

She is 70 and alone since losing her mate to cancer a few years back.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:56 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 20699 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
♀ 25898
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely. When he had his affair we had over 30 years history, and owned a business together. I had all I could do to put one foot in front of the other everyday - could not deal with one more thing. Now, after 4 years, we have largely de-tangled ourselves from the business and he remains very remorseful. Tells me everyday that he loves me. I wish I could reciprocate, but I just don't feel it. We are more like roommates, but we are civil and friends.
Starting over at the age of 59? Maybe if I won the lottery - but the disruption to family and friends and life in general might not be worth it even then. If I was 39 instead of 59 I would have been gone in a heartbeat.

Me - 63
WH - 71
Married 40 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 200 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

23 and trying to R , cause he's my first love and I want it to work for us and the kids



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not. I left when I was 55, M 33 years & together for almost 39 years. I don't regret it at all.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 32
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