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Should I stop snooping?

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simplydevastated posted 7/8/2013 10:28 AM

This question ties into my previous post found here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500425

Because of snooping I found out what he says about me behind my back. It's very upsetting to me because I know it's all lies and that he's just a master at playing the victim and turning it all around that he did nothing wrong.

Today I check on his Twitter again and he told his friend that he's getting ready to leave for work and having "separation anxiety." His friend asks "from who, wifey?" (because I love being called "wifey") my husband responds with "Hell no...she could care less."

This pissed me off. Let's see why I could care less, shall we? Could it be because of the way he treats me and the kids? No, it can't be that because "he does everything around here and we don't appreciate him." Could it be that he ignores me and still keeps his secrets and lies? No, it can't be that because he's an adult and he doesn't need to "check-in." Could it be because of his cheating? No, it can't be that either because "it's not as bad as what other people have done" and "he didn't realize what he was doing was wrong."

He's just turning this all around on me again.

So, my question. Should I stop snooping? I know for a fact my marriage is over so there's no real point in it that I can see. I doubt I could use any of it in a divorce anyway. I only continue to look because I feel that while we are still together I should know what is going on under my roof. Unfortunately, by my continued snooping it only hurts me to read what he's saying. Logically I know I should stop because then I won't hurt, or at least I won't hurt as much.

Because of my snooping I've learned that he's dropped $500 on the new Xbox that comes out in Nov instead of repairing my car. He spends money on servers for his video games. I've learned all the lies he's said about me. There's more, I just don't remember it all right now.

I don't know anymore. I guess I'm just trying to apply logic to an illogical situation.


*ETA - He says I could care less. Well, in response to that comment, I asked him through sobbing tears if he cared about me and he said "I don't know, I haven't thought about it." So why should I care? Why should I be the only one working on the marriage?

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 10:48 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Dawnie posted 7/8/2013 10:33 AM

If you are divorcing him then why continue to hurt yourself seeing these nasty comments of his? Give his sorry ass a hard 180 and try to detatch from him. You are only touturing yourself over a man you know you are done with.

(((Simply)))

simplydevastated posted 7/8/2013 10:50 AM

Dawnie, as of right now we're not divorcing only because I'm unemployed. Once I'm back on my feet I'm putting all my checks aside to pay for it.

You're right, I am torturing myself.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 10:50 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 7/8/2013 10:52 AM

He's disrespectful at the very least.
I'd ignore him on all fronts except the divorce details and even that can go through attorneys,

confused615 posted 7/8/2013 11:07 AM

As long as you live in the same house with him and have joint finances,I wouldn't. Try to detach so the comments aren't so hurtful..but keep an eye on him for your protection.

(((((SD)))))

simplydevastated posted 7/8/2013 11:28 AM

Thank you all for your opinions.

As of now we haven't had the divorce talk. It's just something that I know in my heart I want.

As far as finances, they aren't joint. We never had joint accounts with the exception of one checking for rent and utilities and we had a couple joint credit cards. Those are all closed. He uses the joint checking and I don't have access to it. I know, I know...

.but keep an eye on him for your protection.

^^This has been my way of thinking and why I've keep watch for so long. But I don't think I can use any of it anyway. I'm not sure.

sisoon posted 7/8/2013 11:35 AM

How is it 'joint checking' if you don't have access to it?

(I'd keep snooping for financial info, if I were in your shoes.)

Rebreather posted 7/8/2013 11:37 AM

I think you are continualling pain shopping, and I think you should figure out why you do it. It's not just the snooping, it's the continued engagement with him. He's horrible to you. He keeps you under his control financially. Your marriage is over. You are only biding your time. What he does and what he says is as relevant to you as what Mike Tyson says about the reproductive habits of dolphins.

Back away. 180. Everytime you engage, you are inviting him to hurt you. You know how it stops.

FaithFool posted 7/8/2013 11:42 AM

Knowledge is power. I know how much it hurts, but he has got all the power here, so why not have a little for yourself?

I don't understand why you couldn't file and get a temporary spousal support order if he has all the funds.

simplydevastated posted 7/8/2013 11:44 AM

How is it 'joint checking' if you don't have access to it?

It's joint as in it has my name on it.

Rebreather, I keep checking because I feel I need to know what is going on under my roof. If I didn't I wouldn't know that he spent $500 on an Xbox instead of repairing my car. It's not like he would tell me anything. He doesn't. So I feel I have to find out for myself. If I confront him then he'll know I have access and he'll change all his passwords then I'll know nothing.

MystiKay posted 7/8/2013 13:28 PM

Do you have a car? I would get access to that joint checking. Your name is on it,so at the very least you need a debit card. Of course if you do that he might stop using it...but if it has your name you need access to it.

I know it would be hard, but if you are in the states, most states offer extra help for women and your kids. Doing research into what the programs are doesn't mean you have to use them. It would just be extra knowlege you know?

I would personally keep snooping, that way I would know what is going on. I know it hurts, but work on the 180 and keep up with what he is doing so when the time comes, maybe filing will be easier?

crazyblindsided posted 7/8/2013 14:02 PM

(((simplydevastated))) I think you need to take a break as others have said and just focus on YOU and your kids. I wouldn't even snoop, just protect yourself *ahem by being celibate*

Do you have any friends you can spend time with that can be your emotional support in the meantime? Even a women's group.

Keep looking for that job, my thoughts are with you. Visualize that exit and take it. A new and better life awaits you simplydevastated

Ostrich80 posted 7/8/2013 14:16 PM

Oh simply...I hear ya on this one. I snoop at my ws web history because its all I've got to prove what he's up to. If I.didn't see it, I would have never known what he's doing. I.look just about every day...call it self mutilation of the soul or call it keeping a step ahead. I would continue if I were you because he doesn't have your best interest at heart. He keeps you in the dark and that's not good. Somedays it hurts Moe I know and I.know those pissy comments about you are bullshit but you need to see for financial reasons what he's up to. I hope you can get away from him soon if that's your plan..he sounds mean. How bout if its Twitter that he lies about you, then try and not look at that stuff because it doesn't benefit you but the place your getting the other info, check out. Just a suggestion. Hugs to you..I'm so sorry.

Sad in AZ posted 7/8/2013 15:03 PM

I'm glad you asked because I've been wanting to tell you to stop but I didn't want to appear harsh. You need to funnel your energies into getting yourself emotionally healthy, financially stable and out the door--divorced. Checking up on his extracurricular activities becomes an addiction--I know; I had it.

Keeping an eye on financials is a completely different story; you need to focus on this; if you are on the accounts, you need to have access-period. Do not let him bully you; do it as soon as possible. He sees you as a pushover; disabuse him of that notion right now!

You can do this, sd; I have faith in you.

simplydevastated posted 7/8/2013 15:08 PM

FF, Even if I did that it doesn't mean he'll pay. He doesn't pay his bills now. I know I could go after him fire it but that's spending more money I won't have on courts, or if he's arrested for non-payment I still wouldn't get the money. I'm not making excuses, I'm just seeing the way things would be because of how he is now, kwim? He owes me thousands of dollars from before we were married and he never paid me. He owes a lot of people money that he's never paid back.

MystiKay, Yes I have a car it just needs a lot of repairs (shocks, oil leak fixed, brakes) I drive it locally, not on highways in case anything happens. I don't want to be traveling at high speeds. He did give me a debit card a while ago but because of his budgeting skills we were receiving several over the limit notices so I still couldn't use it. Now all statements and notices go to him electronically.

Yes I'm in the states. I looked into welfare and the amount the afford I was eligible for wouldn't cover rent. I don't think I can get anything while I'm married.

crazyblindsided, I'm already there. The last time we had sex was 3 yrs ago. I have one friend and she had so many medical issues that I don't to add to anything. She was almost hospitalized this weekend

Thank you. I keep looking every day

Ostrich80, that is my plan. Unfortunately, Twitter is where I get the other information as well as his two email accounts. Twitter is how I found out about the xbox purchase and the gaming server. I can't access his Skype account or his laptop.

Ostrich80 posted 7/8/2013 15:39 PM

Oh I see, well just put on your thick skin before you see I guess. I put a var in my ws truck and heard repeat..I hate that fn bitch over and over about me. No matter how you feel about them it still stings. That was the last time I listened...now I know...he's not who he pretends to be. Hang in there..I'm rooting for you!!

simplydevastated posted 7/8/2013 20:40 PM

Wow Ostrich80, that's messed up. I'm sorry. I'm actually waiting for him to say that about me.

Ostrich80 posted 7/8/2013 21:02 PM

Oh but he tells me he wuvs me to my face, so that makes it all better
also hes one of those ranters.I knew I would hear something cuz he talks to himself when he's mad...

simplydevastated posted 7/9/2013 08:50 AM

Wow! Two-faced at it's best. I sounds like we're in the same boat. I hope you have an exit plan in place

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