"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

cocototo2 posted 7/8/2013 10:35 AM

I'm not a snooper, never have been. My husband and I have had our problems. We've been to counseling. For some reason on Saturday night, I had this absolute pull to read my husband's email on his work computer. I landed right on one of their emails. The emails were graphic, some describing sex, some describing long term plans to be together. I confronted him about the cheating that night and he admitted to it and, I think, has been pretty honest about everything I've asked him. The affair was over 2 years ago, after we'd been together for 12 years and married for 9. I was pregnant with my 3rd child and we'd just found out she would be born with Down syndrome. To me, we were actually in a fairly good place in our relationship when he started the affair. It lasted for about 7 months. They only had sex once, but met up on a regular basis to do everything but. Looking back on our relationship, I realize that he's pretty much been a self centered jerk for a good chunk of it. He's blamed me over and over for the pitfalls in our relationship. He says he's re-evaluated his life after the affair and has rededicated himself to his family He hasn't though. He's still the same self-centered jerk he was 2 years ago.

I told him I wasn't making any decisions anytime soon. If it was just the 2 of us, he'd be gone and I'd be single. However, we have 3 kids. I'm not sure I could agree to any child custody where I would be without them for more than a day. Also, despite what he's done, I don't want my kids to not have their Dad. The kids don't know how selfish he has been and how he put someone else above all of us.

I will not be the person who needs to check someone's mail and messages and demand to know where he is at all times.

Unfortunately, my minister is out of town for 2 weeks, but I've contacted someone else in my church that I feel will be a good counselor. I haven't told anyone else anything because if this can be worked out, I don't want to have preset roadblocks. I think that besides me finding someone to talk to, the first step needs to be him getting into counseling and figuring out why he does what he does.

What makes me most mad is that I didn't do anything and, yet, I'm stuck having to make the big decisions. I'm stuck having to be the one who thinks first about what's best for our family. He didn't even consider it as he chose to break his marriage vows every day for 7 months.

Thanks for reading.

LiedtoLucy posted 7/8/2013 11:16 AM

Hi Coco

I am not i good place to offer great advice since I am pretty much in the same situation as you...2 and a half months from D-day. I just wanted you to know I am sending courage and prayers. It's hard but hang in there..

Duffy1958 posted 7/8/2013 11:22 AM

I think you are mad at all of the right things. Good for you! It seems like you are thinking clearly in the midst of this sludge storm. Good for you! I want to stand & cheer for you, really! I know you are hurting but I think you are headed in the right direction. A counsellor you trust will help you iron things out.

There are plenty of things for him to take the reigns now that he has renewed his dedication to the family. He has a huge mess to clean up. He put his big boy britches on when he started the affair, it's time for him to "hitch" those britches & prove his re-dedication.

My heart goes out to you my friend. Take care of yourself as best you can. Will he take the kids so you can have time to yourself to do something, anything you feel like? I would remind him of the "rededication".

Him saying he "rededicated" himself & you saw no evidence of it is VERY offensive.

Prayers for your journey ahead. It is wide open with possibilities. Scary but you have the possibility of a better marriage or freedom to not be responsible for your behavior & his. That's too much.

confused615 posted 7/8/2013 11:45 AM

We have a saying around here...trust but verify.

You're gut told you to look..you did..and found an affair.

You did nothing wrong.

And..."those people" who check their spouse's phone and email accounts are here..on SI...because we have been betrayed..and like you,are trying to work on our marriages for reasons very much like yours. Checking their accounts and their whereabouts doesn't make us bad people.

Also..transparency is a must..meaning he must give you full access to his accounts and passwords,so you can check to reassure yourself that he isn't cheating again. Everytime you check and find nothing,it builds trust.

Does the OW have a husband? Has he been told yet?

What is your WH doing to R?

Is he answering all of your questions without anger or defensiveness?

Is he in IC to figure out why he did this?

Has he sent a NC email to the OW..did you see it?

Has he been tested for STD's? Have you?

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity...is he prepared to ride the emotional roller coaster he's just put you on?

cocototo2 posted 7/8/2013 11:59 AM

LiedtoLucy - Thank you. We do seem to be in similar boats. My children are 9, 6, and 2.

cocototo2 posted 7/8/2013 12:04 PM

Duffy1958 - Thank you for your response. If the last 2 years has been his re-commitment to this relationship, then he really needs to figure out what that word means. He's spent a good majority of our marriage making me feel like crap for not making him feel better about himself. I've only ever tried to build him up.

I actually play soccer, so that's my time. It was nice to have a game last night - I needed the stress reliever :)

Right now, everything about him is offensive to me. The more I find out, the angrier I get. He spent 7 months with this woman, spending time with her and even going so far as to fly to another state and meet her at a B&B. She lives locally. We used to love going to B&B's. It's just all so very hurtful. Right now I can't imagine ever touching him again, but with kids, there's so much to think about.

cocototo2 posted 7/8/2013 12:29 PM

confused615 - I hope I didn't offend anyone. I totally think that a WS NEEDS to be an open book. I expect to have full access to everything. I just don't want to feel like I have to constantly check up on him. I can't imagine my life if I feel like I always have to make sure he's telling the truth. I don't want that, so maybe that's a check in the divorce box. IDK. When I married him, I vowed I would be faithful. Those vows were important to me and I'm mostly devastated that they weren't to him.

One of the best/worst things is that the OW just shut him out. She broke it off, he begged her not to, and then, eventually, she just stopped returning his calls (according to him). Email communication broke off just over 2 years ago. She was married, but actually broke up with my WS because she was confused at if she wanted to be with him, her husband, or man #3 who was an old boyfriend.

As it's been 2 years, I'm guessing the STD's would have been discovered by now. I have regular exams, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to demand that he be checked.

I told him yesterday that I am going to ask ALOT of detailed questions. Because I read their email correspondence, I know many of the answers. I told him if he hides anything from me or lies, he can consider himself moved out effective immediately. I told him that I will try to be civil and not bash him, but to expect me to be angry and sad and ridiculously emotional. We will not talk in front of the kids. He is also not allowed to tell me he's sorry and he's not allowed to say it was a mistake. I don't see how he can consider making a conscious decision on a daily basis for 7 months to break his wedding vows a mistake. I don't know what you call it, but it is not a mistake.

I also told him that I am not going to make any decisions anytime soon. I also told him that I was not going to tell anyone until I had more time to think and then I would decide who I needed to tell.

My first demand (being delivered tonight) is that he finds a counselor and starts attending regular sessions. I'm going to demand open access to that counselor. If he shows any signs of trying to snow the counselor (like he tried to do with our last one), then he can find himself a new home.

I'm a strong person. I'm hurt and I'm angry, but I know I can move forward without him if I need to. Our kids are the only reason I'm putting in the effort. This is his 2nd marriage and he comes from a family where divorce is always an option (his bio dad is on marriage #4, his mom was married for #3, and the dad that raised him is engaged for #4). He always hated that. If his mom were still alive, she'd be slapping him upside the head for what he did. Her birthday was Sunday, and I can't help but think that that insistent need I had to look was a nudge from her. I adored her and she thought of me as the daughter she never had.

confused615 posted 7/8/2013 14:13 PM

Oh,no,no offense taken at all. I understand what you're saying. I do. I think checking is something a BS needs to do in the beginning to feel safe..but also..after awhile that becomes a false sense of security..if they want to cheat,they will. My second dday was because I found a hidden cell phone in his truck..he stole it from work to view porn. If they want to,they will,and no amount of checking will make any difference.

But I do understand the need to check..I still do..but then..my WH is a liar..so..

Testing still needs to be done..some things don't show up for awhile,and some have no symptoms..and there is no test for HPV in men,so you need to make sure you get that done..insist he get a full panel..you too..and don't be ashamed..you did nothing wrong.

You're right..it was NOT a mistake. It was a choice..a conscious and deliberate choice.

Oh..welcome.
Im sorry for the reason you're here..but so glad you've found us. This site is full of the kindest,most compassionate people you will ever "meet."

And,I apologize if I sounded pissy earlier...I AM pissy..lol..but not because of what you said. Im sorry it came out that way.

(((((cocototo2))))

You sound strong and capable. But,there will be days you won't feel so strong..and that's ok. You've been traumatized.

One word of caution...don't share SI with your WH. This is too new and you don't know yet what kind of WH he will be. Many of them put on a good show in the beginning..but once reality hits and they see you're not just getting over this..they tend to change. And the last thing you want to share with a WH who is unremorseful,and/or has taken the affair underground is SI. For many,many reasons.

It sounds like Im lumping "them" all into one category..it's because,while every story is different,every marriage,every person is different...they all seem to follow a pattern..like there is a WS playbook or something...if you stick around SI long enough(I hope you do),you'll understand.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:14 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

cocototo2 posted 7/8/2013 14:26 PM

confused615 - No problem on your end, just making sure I'm not offending! Thanks for the advice on SI - makes sense.

Right now, I think one of the reasons I don't want to check is because I don't care. I'm hurt that he did this and I'm angry that he did this, but I'm not scared of losing him. That would be easy for me. The more I think about the last 4+ years the more I think he's a total A** who completely doesn't deserve me. I'm giving myself time in that category though - maybe the nothingness I feel will be replaced by something.

What are your thoughts on sharing the news? He and the OW broke off contact 2 years ago, but I did find her and her adoring husband on facebook. I could very easily send a message with lots of information. One one hand, I hate the thought of breaking up a marriage, but on the other hand, she didn't seem to care. Doesn't he deserve to know? I would want to know my SO is a lying, cheating, creep.

Jospehine85 posted 7/8/2013 14:34 PM

cocototo2,

You need to both get tested for STDs now. OW was sleeping with 3 (that she admitted to) men at the same time.

You could have contracted HPV, Hep C or HIV from her and not be showing any symptoms.

Also most men are asymptomatic for trich. Many women also.

Then there is chlamydia.

You are dealing with your health. Please go.

lastly, please consider contacting the OW's BH. He should also be tested for STDs.

Tred posted 7/8/2013 14:36 PM

I would tell him. He deserves to know that his wife cheated on him - what is there to prevent her from doing it again if she got away with it once?

cocototo2 posted 7/8/2013 14:38 PM

Jospehine85 - Good points. I guess that even though I was being seen by my OB for just having a baby, I wasn't being tested for these things. Getting on that directly.

cocototo2 posted 7/8/2013 14:39 PM

Tred - I would be doing it out of anger, but I guess there is a good reason there as well.

Skan posted 7/9/2013 12:34 PM

Yes, you do need to let the OWs BH know, especially so he can be tested for STDs, but consider this when you reach out to him. He is just as innocent as you are. Be as gentle with him as you would hope that someone else would be to you, if they were coming to you with this information. You're a strong woman you can do this.

Do not tell your WH that you're going to do this. Just do it. Quite often, most of the time in fact, they will immediately contact the OW to warn them so they can run interference on the info. Try to contact the BH directly, not thru facebook or the like, because if she's on his accounts, she'll definately either delete or pretend to be him and tell you to bug off. As for anyone else that you tell, that is completely up to you. YOU are not the person who did anything wrong and YOU should not feel compeled to protect him. He sure didn't protect you.

BTW, you are doing very very well indeed, although I know that it may not feel that way. You cannot nice nor love a WS back. You have to show them what shock and awe, as well as a really high pair of bitch boots looks like. The stronger you are, even if you feel like you're faking it all the way, the quicker they will pull their heads out of their ass if they are going to. There is a new day in your town and you're the sherriff. Put that badge on, pull up your boots, and start walking the path you intend to keep walking. He can either try to keep up and rebuild the path or get out of the way. (((hugs)))

cocototo2 posted 7/9/2013 13:23 PM

Skan - thank you for your post. Really, Thank you! I needed that. Today is a feel like crap day for me.

I inboxed the OS on facebook because I had no other way to reach him. Today I searched a little longer and found his work email, which I used. He responded back and wants the proof I have. Unfortunately, it appears that WH decided to purge his computer of all of the emails. I told him he better un-purge it. He said he felt disgusted. Funny, wasn't at all disgusting when he was doing it. Okay, it was disgusting, but he didn't feel so.

Today he was so happy with himself because he went to talk with someone in our church and they have a plan all set up for him to keep him accountable. They also had some great advice on couples counseling. I told him he was crazy if he thought I was going to couples counseling with him. I said if he things there is even a slight chance of our marriage surviving this then he needs to figure out why it was he felt it was okay to absolutely destroy me and his family with zero remorse.

Right now, I hate him. I hate the fact that I had to call my doctor and set up an STD test because he's a self centered pig. I hate the fact that I have to be the adult, as usual, and consider the kids, something he didn't bother doing. I just hate him.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/9/2013 14:41 PM

Unfortunately, it appears that WH decided to purge his computer of all of the emails. I told him he better un-purge it. He said he felt disgusted. Funny, wasn't at all disgusting when he was doing it. Okay, it was disgusting, but he didn't feel so.

OMG what a crock of shit. He didn't delete it because he was disgusted, he deleted it so you'd have NO EVIDENCE to hold over his head or share with his OW's husband. I think another reason is because he knows he lied about how many times they had sex and without the emails to put the puzzle pieces together, he might actually get you to believe that nonsense.

Seriously, would he honestly have you believe he had sex ONCE with this woman??? All the time they spent in each other's company, texting each other and writing sexy messages to each other, and professing their emotions to each other, the day trips AND going to Bed & Breakfasts and on and on and on and on - and he'd honestly have you believe they just held hands and picked daisies out in the meadow?

He is SO lying. They ALL claim it was only once until you find evidence that it was a hell of a lot more - then they grudgingly admit to more.

Look Coco, he's ONLY going to admit to the bare bones to keep his ass out of trouble. As time goes on and you catch him slipping up on one of these obvious lies, it's going to be very painful for you to have to digest more new stuff. Some say it's like a brand new D-day when they're forced to face more truths that had been kept from them.

I think your husband is lying his fool head off about a WHOLE lot in order to minimize what he did and keep your anger at a minimum. And I also think he deleted those emails in the name of damage control and saving his ass, NOT out of self disgust.

I sincerely hope you DON'T drop the ball with the OW's husband. If your husband so conveniently destroyed all the evidence, I'd ask the OW's husband to meet me for coffee and I'd sit across from him and systematically tell him EVERY SINGLE DETAIL you've seen, heard and learned. And if he still doubts you, I'd ask him why in HELL he thinks you'd lie to him about something so hideous? What could you possibly gain by claiming your husband had an affair with his wife?

Honestly? Believe about 1/16th of the bullcrap coming out of your husband's mouth right now because the day is coming when you're going to learn more ugly truths. He needs to start being honest and it's very, very clear he's doing everything he CAN to minimize what he really did.

Good luck to you.

cocototo2 posted 7/9/2013 15:06 PM

NeverAgain2013 - Thank you. I don't believe anything he says right now. I believed his lies for almost 3 years, so I'm just pretty much going to assume he's lying about everything unless I can back it up. WH is a selfish, self-centered ass and he has been for years. I remember specifically during this affair a time when I was holding my 1 week daughter in my arms, in tears, begging him to love me and he blamed me for how cold he was being.

I'm sure I can piece together enough info for OS to give him what he needs. I will be glad to relay every details for him , if he needs and have WH sit in front of him and do the same.

I've been convinced for years that WH has major issues. He works so hard to convinced everyone what a doting father he is and what an amazing husband he is - he's neither.

cocototo2 posted 7/10/2013 11:01 AM

So, here's an updated - amazing how much can happen in just a few hours. WH has found a group of men from our church that are going to work with him to help him figure out why he's such an ass, basically. IF he sticks with it and continues to work with them, I feel there is hope for him after ALOT of work. I'm still not making any comments or predictions as to if that includes me or not.

I emailed the OWS and he had no idea. Since WH deleted all of the proof, I didn't have anything to send him in that respect, so I ended up just explaining how it all unfolded for me. I told him what I saw and how I found out specifically who she was and then how I found him and his email. I definitely feel for him and wish him luck, but I've done my duty there.

I had a long talk with WH this am and explained to him why he sucks and how he'd better take this all EXTREMELY seriously. I said if he tells even the whitest of lies or tries to snow the men that are working with him, he's out.

I also walked through what I knew about his time with her that he hasn't told me that I figured out from his calendar and business credit card. Do you believe he actually scheduled his lunch dates with her - one, in particular, right after we had an u/s for our child to see if they were going to admit me to deliver that day or let me go another week? I was probably about 30 weeks along at that time. I explained that he was going to repay every cent and every piece of time he stole from his family and spent on her.

I also asked him what he thought would have happened to the baby I was pregnant with had I found out while I was still pregnant. Now, I had a very high risk pregnancy, she was diagnosed prenatally with Down syndrome and she wasn't growing well. I wasn't even allowed to raise my heart rate, so my guess is that feeling then like I feel now would be a serious issue! When I explained to him that it could have killed her, that struck a cord.

We'll see where things go from here, but I'm not making any decisions in any direction anytime soon and I think alot of what is going to have to happen is very individual. Ugh!

confused615 posted 7/10/2013 11:41 AM

Take the computer hard drive in and have all of those emails recovered.

He deleted them so you wouldnt have the evidence...and so months from now when you bring something up that you read,he will deny it.

Did he know you contacted OW's husband? Did he delete everything after he found out you contacted the OBH? If so...that's a huge red flag for you...because that would mean he deleted everything because he is trying to protect the OW.

cocototo2 posted 7/10/2013 12:00 PM

confused615 - I don't need the emails. I know what I saw, he knows what I saw, and if he ever even considers denying it, I will leave him and take the kids with me. I don't need evidence at this point, the emails and pictures are burned into my brain, unfortunately.

At this point, he needs to prove that I can trust him or prove that I can't. I don't play games and I'm not going to start now.

He had no idea I was going to contact the OBS, I just told him this morning that I did it. He would have no reason to believe that I knew who OW was other than a first name.