"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Arnold01 posted 7/8/2013 12:14 PM

Two weeks since D-Day, and my husband is just angry. Not in a yelling way, but in a simmering under the surface "mad at the world" way. It's hard not to take it personally, and it seems backward - I should be the angry one and he should be remorseful (which I'm only seeing the slightest little signs of). So I'm wondering if any of you have experienced this.

Is his feeling mad at the world, mad at the mess he's created, mad because of withdrawal / the loss of the OW (her husband made them cut it off), mad at himself (even if he doesn't admit that) part of the healing process? Until he gets past the anger and gets to a better place, I don't see how we can move forward. Thanks in advance for your thoughts - SI has been a lifesaver to me when I feel otherwise alone.

Edith posted 7/8/2013 12:16 PM

Hi Arnold,
Yes, my H was furious after D-day, for weeks after just screamed and raged at me, called me the most terrible names. He later admitted he was angry at himself. I wish I had been stronger, but I just endured it, sobbing.

I hope you feel better. Take care.

E.

tushnurse posted 7/8/2013 12:43 PM

Yup - Very Angry for a good while, basically until the Fog cleared. You can read my profile, and know that there was a deep burning anger that lasted until he cleared.

I would ask him what he was angry about then, and he couldn't put it in words, probably because I would have kicked him in the balls knowing now that half of it was anger over having to end it. ....Now he tells me it was anger at himself, for the mess he had created, for not manning up and fixing himself, and finding Happy without looking for it from someone else, For seeing the pain he caused me, for it being out of his control, and knowing that he was 100% responsible for it.

It will take time for the Fog to completely clear, and if he is showing signs of anger, I would be sure to be looking and make sure NC is being maintained. Every single DAMN TIME he broke NC I was dealing with the Prick My H was during his entire A.
Real remorse, does not have a component of anger, to anyone other than themselves.

(((and strength))))

Jospehine85 posted 7/8/2013 13:33 PM

Yes Arnold01. My WH was angry for weeks afterwards. Angry at his shameful behavior, angry at his loss of integrity, angry at the destruction he caused. Of course he was also trying to shift the blame to everyone else.

I think this WS anger is sometimes a manifestation of Narcissism, sometimes clinical depression, sometimes sociopathic trait or often it is a self protection mechanism very similar to the one BS's have.

If a WS admits ALL their faults, guilt and lies to themself at once, they could become overwhelmed with shame. Emotionally it could be a lot to deal with at once. The anger acts as a buffer to allow reality to slowly creep in.

For many BS we stuff our emotions down, focus anger on the OP or look to ourselves as a source of fault, because it can be pretty overwhelming if we allowed all our emotions to come bubbling to the surface at once and all focused at our WS. I think this is why it can take 2-5 years to heal. We process the emotions small chunks at a time because it would be overwhelming to do it all at once.

Later posted 7/8/2013 13:39 PM

Josephine makes a lot of sense.

I think a lot of times we think it is just clever blameshifting and gaslighting. And maybe it is, but Josephine provides a good alternative rationale.

I think I can posted 7/8/2013 15:36 PM

Yup. Like a toddler whose candy was taken away.

LonelySilhouette posted 7/8/2013 15:46 PM

Angry that they were stupid enough to get caught, imo.

Jewlz posted 7/8/2013 15:54 PM

You know honestly, the first thing I thought of is it sounds like he is trying to take the focus off of you being able to be angry at him.

It's like when I'm feeling sad and I'm crying, I will stop if one of my kids gets hurt or is upset, my focus goes from myself to them. That's what I thought of when I read your post, like he knows you will be there for him if he's upset and angry so if he's acting angry, your focus is on making him feel better. So, yes, it does sound backwards. He should be making YOU feel better.

My WH left me so I really don't know, but when he initially left, he seemed calm and sure but there were times on the phone when he was angry. And I would think "why the heck is HE angry? he cheated and left ME" I'm still trying to figure him out and I don't think I ever will.

I do think that anger is at least a strong emotion. It means at least he cares about something!

Arnold01 posted 7/9/2013 06:51 AM

These posts are so helpful - I really appreciate it. Since I posted, the outward anger has calmed down a bit, and I was shocked yesterday when WH texted me at work out of the blue to say "Hi. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you." That's something he hasn't done in ages. When I got home, he told me that he was thinking about how much he appreciates me being patient with him and how supportive I'm being of him, when he knows he's not being very supportive of me and doesn't deserve me. Yes, that could be his knowing I'll always be here and just using me...but at least it was the first indication that he has any sense of what he's putting me through and maybe there is even an inkling of guilt in there. For now I'll choose to take it as a small hopeful sign, and we'll see.... Today is 2 weeks since D-Day and we have our first counseling session tomorrow.

Katieisfree posted 7/9/2013 07:44 AM

Too riight. My FWH yelled at me for the first time in our 16 year M after DDay.

Betrayed07 posted 7/9/2013 07:49 AM

Arnold01,
Your story sounds exactly like mine. WH was very angry at first. It came from the pain he caused, guilt, and shame. He even stopped taking all his medications b/c he felt we'd be better off without him. Once we got past that and the fog cleared, that all came out (the shame he was feeling, etc). I get the texts and call from work, too, just to say hi. I am hopeful, too, and taking it as a good sign. The hugs are longer and tighter and the "i love you"s more frequent. I wish you the best. Keep us posted. It sucks, but when you find a similar situation in a post, its nice to know you are not alone.

womaninflux posted 7/9/2013 07:54 AM

It's going to be up/down for awhile probably as both of you work through this. My DD was 4 months ago and we just had a big blow up after having 2 weeks of feeling relatively good about things. It's not an easy thing to process. There is grief and anger and a whole lot of other bad and confusing feelings. But it sounds like at least at this point you have two willing people working to make things better. My advice is to work with the counselor to help improve your communication so you can tell your H what you need from him (apologies, acknowledgement, etc.).

wanttogoforward posted 7/9/2013 11:20 AM

In my case my H was angry enough to try to force me to rugsweep and he threatened several times to move out.... he now says he was so scared that I was going to throw him out at any moment.... and yet he appeared on the surface to be angry with ME.... unfair and it sucks that they are angry because their spouse took away their fantasy.....

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/9/2013 12:05 PM

Yup. Like a toddler whose candy was taken away

That's what it sounds like to me from your post, Arnold01. He doesn't sound too remorseful at all, just angry that his fun was cut short.

Nature_Girl posted 7/9/2013 19:43 PM

Yes, my STBX got angrier and angrier with each passing day after DDay. As I gained emotional strength and began to have clarity of the situation ,he became more enraged. He was outraged & offended that I dared to tell him my boundaries (which included such things as no more yelling at me & the kids, no more threatening suicide, stuff like that).

It was very clear to me that we were not going to be able to reconcile. Of course I held out hope, I prayed, I dragged him kicking & screaming to MC... All to no avail. His anger instead of remorse signaled loud and clear that the end was near.

Ashland13 posted 7/9/2013 20:16 PM

Yes, STBXH was very, very angry and showed some rage at me, as well. He was angry that he got caught and when he came to discuss "R", he was angry and claimed I wanted to control him, esp. where he slept.??

He was angry at being caught and instead of being angry at OW, who outed him, tossing him right under the bus, but he took it out on me...more, taken out on me and kept threatening to leave.

I'm glad things are looking up and hope it will continue.

AussieMum posted 7/9/2013 20:27 PM

STBXH was incredibly angry and has remained so during separation. He was angry at getting caught, at me 'snooping' , angry when OW2 called it off after I found their phone messages. Angry that I ruined his 'single man existence' and angry that I saw the man behind the mask.

When I have to see him now, he has a face like thunder. I guess it's easier for him to be angry at me than to face his own behaviour and lack of morals.

FeelingSoMuch posted 7/9/2013 20:51 PM

Very normal. My WW reacted with anger, too. In fact, I would say she went beyond anger and into rage at times.

After four months of IC and MC she decided she "didn't want to hurt me anymore" and just like that she hasn't raged since. The anger is under control, too.

She says, and the therapist does too, that the anger and rage are her defence mechanisms.

Apparently leaving the OM hurt (grrrrr), facing the mess she created hurts and having to accept that this is who she is, a person who cheated and lied is hard for her. No one wants to think of themselves as bad people.

Throughout our marriage I always forgave everything and was always there for her. So she felt it was OK to take it out on me. This came out in MC.

At first, I took it. The A was a shock to me and I didn't want to lose the wonderful person I thought I had.

As the months passed, I no longer see my WW as a wonderful person. Well, she's wonderful, but she made some painful and damaging choices. I decided not to chase her anymore and to set up boundaries. That's when she decided to control the rage. I believe the two are related.

Good luck with your situation. It's douchy on the part of WS to do this, but apparently it's also normal. It doesn't mean they don't care about you, it just means they don't respect your boundaries. It's up to you to enforce your own boundaries.

Stay strong.

darklilly23 posted 7/9/2013 20:58 PM

Yep, my stbxh had a nonlocal EA
With his old flame who was getting divorced, I calmly told him how important his promise of NC with her was and he started yelling all kind of nasty things in the attempt to I form me in no uncertain terms that he did not give a flying about what I needed it how I felt. Completely unlike him
So I have been trying to understand this WS anger thing as well...

PhantomLimb posted 7/10/2013 03:48 AM

Took mine about three weeks to build up to anger but, once he did,oh boy. He had gone home to his family for a week... When he left, he was clearly just angry at himself and the situation, but talking about R. We didn't speak while he was away (I was 180-ing and he just never communicated, I found out it was because he broke NC before he left), but when he got back he called me that night with a pre- determined script of rage. "You did a great job of isolating me all of these years!" (from what? Having sex with other people?); I was the reason his work never gets done; I'm fiscally irresponsible (even though by and large we maintained separate accounts and I'm debt free?); he wasn't sorry he did what he did; ILYBNILWY; maybe I should get more IC to understand why I wasn't more angry and willing to engage him when he tried to fight (ha!); the idea of living with me was scary because I might be emotional and he wants to be "free and liberated" so I needed to get a sublet; I had lost him before he ever met her (so why did you stay and/or not say anything?); I wanted to talk every day and it was annoying, but at least my job freed up his evenings so he could be with her (that was the only comment that got me to burst into tears-- he just stood there and watched dead-eyed while i cried). All of this was said with incredible venom.

I NC-ed his butt on the spot. He started to sob and tell me he missed me. Oh well.

One of the reasons I now think he wouldn't try to R even if he wanted to down the line is because he knows the things he said to me...

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 3:52 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]