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stunnedin12 posted 7/8/2013 12:32 PM

After this last trickle truth/d-day revelation in April, I have been swinging wildly in my emotions/thoughts. Right at this very instant, my questions are:

If I decide to go for making my marriage work (wh is saying he wants to make the marriage work and has been trying lately) - how long do I give us?

If you are working on reconcilliation, do you ever feel like you are beating a dead horse with a question?

Do you stop asking questions and just accept the sh*t sandwich you were handed?

Will any reason ever be good enough?

Do you set aside time each week to talk, but otherwise accept that your spouse did this shitty/f'd up thing to you and fake happy the rest of the week?

While I feel empowered for knowing my legal rights, am I holding my wh hostage and keeping one of my feet out the door now of this marriage?

Can you make a marriage work in those circumstances?

Like I said, I am on the crazy train with my thoughts.

tushnurse posted 7/8/2013 12:55 PM

Take a deep breath Stunned - Just because you want to try, doesn't mean that has to be set in stone. None of this is an all or none proposition for you.

Youe get to decide how to play this out. If your FWH hsa made it clear that he is willing to work, the Hoorah for you. That's a step closer than a lot of others get. If you want to give it a whirl then do it. Tell H that you are willing to try, but your requirements are ABCD, and think a long time about what those will be.
I found that mine were pretty simple. NO Lying, NO hiding, NO omitting the truth, NO CONTACT with OW ever. If he did any of the above I was done, and he'd be out the door. He also knew that my requirements were subject to change should I feel, or see a need for that.

We were a good 6 months into R before I was confident we would make it, 100%. It took him really working to fix what was broken within himself, and him being absolutely remorseful for me to get there. It took me well over a year to stop snooping. To have an inkling of trust again.

You will eventually get to a point where you don't need to ask questions, when you hear the same answers multiple times, and when you see his actions in the present differing so much from his actions during the A.

It took a full 2 years for me to feel like we had really come out of the shitstorm, healed, and fixed. I would say I think that was fast tracked.

((((and strength))))