We have been married for 25 years (2-14-1988) He left me (3-23-2013) Yes we had problems but who doesn't? They were not problems that would bring a divorce and I feel counseling would have helped. But then he admitted to adultery!! That confession hit me like a Mack truck. NEVER saw that one coming we had just renewed our wedding vows on 2-2-2013. The pain I have been in has been unbearable and the suffering is just as bad. No one understands me. We have three grown daughters 24,22,20. He is now living with a woman that is young enough to be his daughter and she has 5 kids 15,13,6,4,3. He also has a son that is 30 and the woman is 30. The son is NOT mine I found out about this son when we were first married about 3 months we had just found out I was pregnant with our oldest daughter. He tells me that the son was not important enough to tell me about. He has denied the son for 28 yrs the son got in contact with him just 2 yrs ago. Through the years I would ask him are you sure you don't want to make sure the child is yours and his favorite response to me would be "In my heart of hearts he is NOT mine" I told him I dint want to see a child grow up not knowing his family but he always told me the same thing. What changed his mind 2 years ago? I don't know, but the first time he met up with him he took our daughters and did not ask me if I wanted to go. That hurt me deeply. I believe that the root of all our problems has been the illegitimate son. He says that is not a problem, He lied to me from the beginning of all of this about him. I lived with fear that that child and the mother would one day ruin my marriage and my family and that is what has happened. I am currently in therapy for all the emotions that I deal with on a daily basis. At the beginning I felt that death would be a great answer for me. We have 2 beautiful grand daughters 4,2. They help me feel grounded so I do try to spend as much time as I can with them. Our youngest daughter has been by my side everyday. Our 2 oldest daughters have accepted this other woman in their lives and that hurts me more than they will ever know. The tell me to move on and get over it dad is Happy!! WTH!!! How can they tell their mother that? I don't want him to be happy, I want him to feel the pain he has caused me. There are days that I wont leave the house. Im afraid to be in public I have a huge fear of being replaced in my children's life and my grand daughters lives. The older two don't understand the pain I am dealing with at all. I know that I need to move on but how do you do that. Right now I am having NO CONTACT with him or seeing him at any point until our court date on Aug 2. I have learned several new things that have happened in our marriage and even after he has left and that hurts me more than he will ever know. But my current saying for all of this is "CAN'T FIX STUPID". I have had lots of support from family(his & mine) and friends and the church. But I sometimes feel as if I am a burden to all of them. I have lost 50 lbs through all of this. Food doesn't taste good most of the time. I take daily walks most of the time alone to think and try to relax. I have been writing in a journal since 5-1-2013 and that really seems to help. I only get about 2 hours of sleep a night. I lost my job last month due to the stress of all of this. We at the time had worked at the same place he quit on Friday I lost my job on Tuesday. So currently being unemployed doesn't help with the depression that I am dealing with as well. He hasn't been honest with the story if someone asks him but I make it a point to tell them what he did and as they find out the common reaction is "I didn't see that coming" and I say join the club. People tell me it will get better with time, It may take years for me to get better, I thought he was my soul mate I guess he had me fooled for 25 years. LORD HELP ME!
I know it must be especially hard that a little over a month after renewing your wedding vows, he left you for the OW. I know it is still hard for me to know that my WH#2 and the OW were engaged a year before I found out about the A. We all have to go through a shit storm to get to the other side and on with our lives, but we will get there eventually and be much happier once we are. (((HUGS)))
I lived with fear that that child and the mother would one day ruin my marriage and my family and that is what has happened.
No ~ the child and the mother did not ruin your marriage ... your STBX did!
Are you in IC? Have you seen your doctor? You cannot function on 2 hours of sleep and the divorce diet is not healthy. If you can't eat normally yet, please drink smoothies, ensure, protein drinks.
I am so sorry that your daughters don't understand how insensitive and hurtful their words and actions are. You really really need to process ALL of this in therapy.
It DOES get better but it requires dealing with the shit that has been dealt to us. Take it one step at a time. Take care of your physical and spiritual and emotional needs. Make sure you have an attorney that will get you what you are entitled to. Read and post often. Hugs and support, dmari
If you had been married for 25 years, you must be in your forties or fifties. I was married to F-Nuttz (you can guess for what the "F" stands )for 35 years, and "together" for a few more than that. So you are now crazily bobbing along in the same boat I was not too many years ago.
A few thoughts first.
He lied to me from the beginning of all of this about him. I lived with fear that that child and the mother would one day ruin my marriage and my family and that is what has happened.
My first thought: neither she nor the child ruined the marriage, although on the surface, it was a catalyst. He lied from the beginning. Many of these liars were liars to begin with (your Nuttz); othersl, once they start to lie, even if they lie badly, find it easier and easier (the F-Nuttz). Had you known he was a liar, would you have married him? Most likely you would have, as we caregivers believe we can change others, given love and time. We are forgiving as well.
The issue was, and is, his lying. More on that later.
The other point has to do with fear...more on that later also.
You fear being replaced. You will not be. Your daughters know full well who loves them, and has from the beginning. Too bad our adult children behave like they are still, well, children. OW has nothing attached from a lifetime to the girls, and they might see her as "fun." That is the generation, I think, rather selfish. I wanna have FUN, and don't tell me about your problems. My adult son I love very much, and he loves me, but he doesn't want to hear about of it, never did.
The cheaters and liars are irresponsible; they have convinced themselves whatever they do is okay. The F-Nuttz called his adultery "Stepping Out." That will be the name of my book.
Now then. I know the pain you are in, we all know the pain. Lean on us here. Too, if you have not talked to your doctor about the lack of sleep, the depression, don't be afraid. Even I, afraid of all medication, took xanax at night and took anti-depressives. Too bad I didn't know them about Cymbalta! I am not ashamed to say that I need medicine to help with chronic depression, mood disorder, whatever one wants to call it. In fact, I am proud to say I can now ask for and accept assistance. Let go the control obsession.
I am going to post an essay by SerJR; I do this periodically. Read it, copy and print it. I still read it.
Time. I heard the same thing from our fellow SIers. But truth it is. I visuallized the forest, and peeks of sunlight coming through, tromping on. Feel free to PM anytime.
You will be okay.
Peace,
TJ
