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this is what i know

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scream posted 7/8/2013 14:28 PM

Basicly I know shit. I thought I knew. But I don't. If your like me you think your doing all this good stuff for her and you and your marriage. And yeah, you maybe doing that. But if you think that's enough? You couldn't be further from reality. What ever your doing or you think you have done...its not enough. Do more. Don't bother to ask if your doing all you can. Your not. Just do more. Don't look for others to pat you on the back for all you do for your wife and family. Do more. Just shut your selfish ass up and do more. And that's the lesson for today boys and girls.

Aubrie posted 7/8/2013 14:40 PM

Question: Who are you doing "not enough" for? Who are you healing for? Who are you bettering yourself for?

Darkness Falls posted 7/8/2013 14:44 PM

^^^ Aubrie asks some great questions. Remember that even if your wife and family were gone tomorrow, you would still need to do this work BY and FOR yourself.

Wherever you go in life, there you are.

You can't run away from yourself.

True words to live by.

scream posted 7/8/2013 14:44 PM

Doesn't matter at this point. Me, my wife, my family. Who ever it is, its not enough. Just do more. Whether you think or you know you have done all you can. You haven't . Just do more. Its simple. Feel like a NIKE commercial. When you get complacent and think "oh this feels good" stop and then say. "I need and can do more."

Aubrie posted 7/8/2013 14:49 PM

So what has prompted this mini-meltdown?

Did you get complacent?

scream posted 7/8/2013 14:57 PM

Not a meltdown. Just where I am. What I have learned. Honestly I don't know if I would have it in me to go and do this without my wife or children. If I didn't have them then there really wouldn't be a need. But I do have them for the time being and that's why I will just keep doing more

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/8/2013 15:00 PM

Not claiming I don't need such reminders, but: speak for yourself. Own your feelings, instead of deflecting with "you" and "your."

ETA: we cross-posted. That was better.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 3:01 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Aubrie posted 7/8/2013 15:03 PM

If I didn't have them then there really wouldn't be a need.
I call bull.

You being screwed up has nothing to do with your wife and family. If they pack up and leave tomorrow, you are still you. Do you like you?

scream posted 7/8/2013 15:26 PM

Truth is I like myself more now than I ever have. I'm proud of the progress I have made and continue to make. And you can bull or whatever all you want. It just comes down to wether or not one is truely able to keep going. When they think they have gone as far as they can go. Can the pick it up and keep going. Just do more.

authenticnow posted 7/8/2013 15:37 PM

I hear you, scream.

I feel like this process has taught me that anything worth having, anything worthwhile, needs your all. We get complacent in life, take the easy way out, do just enough.

I have learned that constantly putting energy into what matters is so fulfilling. Even when you think it's enough, do more.

I get it .

hardlessons posted 7/8/2013 15:43 PM

Honestly I don't know if I would have it in me to go and do this without my wife or children.

and

Truth is I like myself more now than I ever have. I'm proud of the progress I have made and continue to make.

Says that as long as the family is in the picture you'll try, if they weren't you might go back to the POS cheater many of us here have been too.

Also says that the post could have been looking for someone to pat you on the back, a little external validation.

Aubrie called it correctly, so do you want to tell us what the real deal is or are you going to stick with your just giving us an FYI?

uncertainone posted 7/8/2013 15:45 PM

Just do more

Do more what? The fact you state that if you didn't have your wife and kids there'd be no need is a huge red flag to me. More is not necessarily better especially if you've concluded your reason is external. That means your results will be external as well and tied to other's responses. Bad plan.

Like Aubrie points out. Your reasons weren't external so focusing that direction is missing the point.

Look, it's quite possible your choices were deal breakers. No surprise there, right? The choice to cheat is irrevocable. That some can work through that choice no way changes that fact. Making yourself a safe person for you, your partner (or future partners), and your children is the only way through this self created mess.

Dysfunction is not situational. It's not a little pocket that is isolated. Those thought processes bleed into every aspect of our lives. How we interact with others. How we respond to life's stresses. How we approach each day.

If you are working through this with the expectation of keeping another in your life and saving a relationship you've already lost. That's not in your control. What is in your control is you. How you respond. How you identify areas that need work. How you deal with your feelings and react to actions from yourself and others.

You may not need "more" but completely different. It may not look like much to anyone else but you'll know it by how you feel about your choices. You'll be the quality control. You won't do something then check to see how it's received. You'll be able to tell if it's right or not. Feeling good may be a long way off as the "right" way might be uncomfortable for quite some time. It has been for me.

scream posted 7/8/2013 15:55 PM

I don't know why this is such a hard thing to understand. As a ws, just keep going. You may think you are doing everything you can. But the truth is there is always more. Stop being a self pitting little shit. You fucked up big time. Suck it up and do more. Get your heads out of your asses and do more for the ones that matter. You made the choices. Now live with them. If you chose to stay....do fucking more. Why is that so hard. And if I didn't have my family and I didn't keep working on myself. Who would know but me. And my reasons for being would be gone. So if I did keep working then that would just be for me. Not anyone else. I work at myself now for me, for her and for them. No one else

hardlessons posted 7/8/2013 16:04 PM

Stop being a self pitting little shit. You fucked up big time. Suck it up and do more. Get your heads out of your ass

Couldn't have said it better.

Aubrie posted 7/8/2013 16:25 PM

I don't know why this is such a hard thing to understand.
Oh I understand completely. I also know my boundaries. I can only do so much for my husband. The rest is up to him. All part of that crap sandwich bit. He has the choice to swallow it or not. And yes, it's terribly unfair. But, he has the choice to stay or leave.

I won't do "anything, everything, beyond, and more" to keep him "happy". That slides into abuse territory and doesn't fix the actual issue. There is only so much I can do for him. The rest is up to him. He has choices.

I sense anger in your posts Scream. What's that about?

I just don't get the feeling that this thread is a P.S.A for "Do more". More like an anger/PA/vent to berate yourself. JMHO

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:25 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

scream posted 7/8/2013 17:53 PM

There is some anger. There is truth and there is just knowing what I I know. I'm angry at the situation that my marriage is in. Its true that no matter how much you do you need to do more. That is what I know. Its not a vent. Its just a stating of facts. To much self pitty is where the bull is. And I see a lot of that. Not just myself but in posts. Just throwing a 2x4 out. It hits where it needs to

aesir posted 7/8/2013 17:58 PM

I don't know why this is such a hard thing to understand.

I think it's the presentation. As a detached observer, It wasn't until your fourth post on this thread that I could interpret your intention. I could not distinguish between if this was meant to be advice, observation, a motivational thread, or a venty pity party. Text doesn't really carry tone of voice very well.

AdamsApple posted 7/8/2013 22:20 PM

Scream: I saw no stop sign. As a BS, I like your message. I feel that WSs dig a deep hole with As and they need to work extra hard to dig out of them. I was crushed by my WWs A and feel that she needs to talk to me in my love language times 10. So far I'm still waiting, while she works on herself.

Keep working extra hard. Your BS will appreciate it.

[This message edited by AdamsApple at 9:36 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Jrazz posted 7/9/2013 02:51 AM

I think it's the presentation. As a detached observer, It wasn't until your fourth post on this thread that I could interpret your intention. I could not distinguish between if this was meant to be advice, observation, a motivational thread, or a venty pity party. Text doesn't really carry tone of voice very well.

This is why I haven't quite been able to respond yet.

What's up, scream? What's going on?

scream posted 7/9/2013 07:46 AM

Hey J. Been awhile. Nothing up. If my tone didn't come across clearly. Then I'm sorry. But it was just me saying things as I see them. We have been in this ws made mess for over a year, and this is what I have come to know. Not sure year 2 is any harder than year one, but its more about moving past the shock and awe and getting to the next level of healing. In doing so I think more real feelings are expressed by the bs and that doesn't leave the ws the option of being a coward. This maybe where the ones that really want it have to step up and do something about it. Grow up and make a choice.

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