SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

chimiwesita posted 7/8/2013 16:19 PM

I went for legal counseling last June. From employment issues about maternity leave, it switch to marriage counseling from his part. Pretty soon after three months became a physical affair. I ended falling in love being married and with a young son.
I don't want him, but I have doubts with my marriage. My husband and I have been in couples therapy 3 to 4 times before this happened. I feel lost and with a son.

Deeply Scared posted 7/8/2013 16:34 PM

I'm a little confused by your post.

Are you saying you fell in love with someone else or did you husband?

chimiwesita posted 7/8/2013 16:37 PM

That I fell in love with the counselor

Deeply Scared posted 7/8/2013 16:41 PM

I see...let me move this to the WS Forum for you

Aubrie posted 7/8/2013 16:47 PM

So lemme get this straight, cause I'm a little confused too.

You were having issue in your marriage, you went to counseling, then you started having a PA with the counselor? Isn't that blurring the lines of professionalism?

So did you tell your husband you cheated?

Are you still seeing your affair partner?

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/8/2013 18:13 PM

Welcome to SI, this is a good place. You understand your A with your C is 20 kinds of wrong, yes? If you haven't ended it you need to do this today:

1) tell your husband
2) cut off all contact with your C. He is a bad, bad guy.
3) ask your husband to help you report this guy to the professional review board in your state. Because, you may not get this now, but he is probably screwing half of his female clients.

You sound very confused and needing help. It's going to be hard but you can get through this.

hatefulnow posted 7/8/2013 18:33 PM

Hello,

Gather your thoughts and run through the scenario again. Was this a legal counselor or a psychological counselor? I'm not sure what the pofessional boundaries are for attornes are,but if he's a psychological counselor he's in a world of shit. If you came to him in a vulnerable state and he had sex with you, not only has he betrayed his ethics, he's broken the law. He 8is not a good person and I think yyou should report him to the local psychiatric board and contact an attorney. You are probably not the first person he's done this to and you won't be the last.

If you are interested in saving your marriag, you couldn't have found a better place. You'll get lots of compassion and good advice from some of our 'battle hardened' veterans .

I suggest you do a few things immediately. First STOP ALL CONTACT with the other man (OM). There is no way you can get your head clear for the hard fight ahead if he's still in the picture. Second tell your husband what you did. This will be tough, but needs to be done. Don't feel that you will be hurting him by telling. You already hurt him by what you've done. The only way to hurt him more is to keep it a secret. Tell him. He deserves to know. In his shoes, you'd want to know. Next if OM is married, inform his wife. She has as much right to know what's going on as your husband. That acton will also very effectively keep OM from contacting you.

These thngs are just for starters. You'll also want to send OM a No Contact letter that is clear and concise. IT IS OVER! You'll probably do well to do a time line of the affair with all the details to give your husband should he want it.

This is not an easy path, by far. Good luck.

chimiwesita posted 7/8/2013 19:16 PM

Answering to some of the questions
He is an attorney not psychologist
I told my husband December last year
We thought about legal sue but it's hard to do where I live which I rather not say. Plus an attorney going against another? Hard right?
I failed to mention or clarify that we as a married couple have been to therapy years before. And also when I was pregnant I went to therapy. This lady psychologist I was seeing continued therapy with me post partum. She knew my marital issues.
But when I had physical contact with the affair I told her soon after only to find out that her position was not against it but rather supportive of me meeting other people. I am so naive that I followed her insights.
But her opinion has had such impact on me that I created this affair addition. I call him the drug. Funny thing is I don't do any drugs. But I feel addicted. Knowing is wrong. I blocked his numbers his emails. I have left my cell at home just to not feel tempted. But I feel dirty. I can go 1 month at a time without contact. This week had been a month and I felt tempted and I text him. But I have not seen him since 7 weeks. I feel terrible for texting him. I had a talk with husband this week. Told him what I just said that I waited a month and then I texted. I felt as bad as when I told him in December for the first time. But he took it better than the first time.

chimiwesita posted 7/9/2013 06:38 AM

I want to post a conversation between the couples therapist and me. Reason is because is hard to believe what I posted about her support with the infidelity

Me:

Good afternoon Dr psychologist

Hi. Hope everything is ok with you. I was thinking about you for weeks now. I have tried to make time to see you,with or without Husband. I was specially thinking about our sessions today as a matter of reflection. Also read some of our conversations over email in an effort to remember your advices.
I am trying really hard to move on with my life since the infidelity. I went to dr Physician as you saw as an option for prescription meds. I am presently taking added meds tommy daily intake. Also increase dosage of antidepressants. It feels sweet and sour, though because I feel medicated now. And more than ever looking for solutions and answers to get my life more bearable to live.
I have an appointment coming up for couples April 23 with you. I know that in part you have been booked, but in part it is me that has put up seeing you. I make up for excuses and in part is the driving distance from my work. But in part is other reasons.
Which brings me for the reason why I am writing this letter. Once a therapist I met told me that if I ever leave a therapist for another one, to at least seek closure withtheformer one discussing or disclosing why you left therapy. I don't want to leave therapy with you. But the trauma of my affairis such that I blame myself and you, a little. Sorry for my honesty. But I feel that if I would've been counseled that the consequences or the risk outweighed the benefit of trying something new with someone of the opposites sex maybe things would be different.
You said that you did it because I beat myself up a lot. But in a catholic marriage you do have to beat yourself up with fidelity. Or any other marriage.
I don't know if a therapist gives neutral counseling or if he or she brings her own beliefs and thoughts to the table when counseling.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I am just taking the advice I received in years ago.
I still want your counsel.
But I have not been following your latest advice to finish conversations with this gentleman. I have kept with me your positive thinking and advice from the beginning sessions when we both were exploring and evaluating his behavior towards me. But it hurts too much to apply the latter one which were much more negative, that he abused me, mislead me, manipulated me.
If feels like the seed planted at the beginning of positive thinking refuses to die. Really
I feel I love this man, more than my husband. I love him. It feels like that to me.

Her reply:
Hi
I hope all is well. I apologize in the delay in responding to your email. I appreciate your honesty, and of course, welcome your sharing your feelings with me through email.
First, I want to address the issue of following the lead that I provide. It is not my intention to give you advice, but rather to reflect what I observe in you and to provide that feedback. So, it is not necessary to feel upset, guilty, or any other feeling if you feel that you haven't followed my "advice." Know that I am here to support you, not to shame you, and to help you make the best decision for yourself. If you are feeling things in response to your own actions, of course I'm more than happy to process those reactions with you. I look forward to our session where we can freely talk about your thoughts and feelings about where you would like to go from here. Until then, I welcome your emails since I believe it to be a good opportunity for you to share and process your feelings.

, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere." Buddhist Saying

Unagie posted 7/9/2013 06:54 AM

Wait wait wait. Your therapist encouraged you to have an affair? Honey if that really is the case its time to find a new therapist. Someone who specializes in infidelity. Another thing I might have read it wrong but did you expect your therapist to tell you the consequences that could happen if you had an affair? You're an adult who knows better, you know what the consequences are.

Also you mentioned you can't go more then a month without contacting OM but your DDay was December. How many times have you broken NC? Yes an A can be addictive but breaking that addiction is imperative. You've come to a good place for help. Keep posting.