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Anyone else a glutton for punishment?

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OldCow18 posted 7/8/2013 16:21 PM

It's been about 3 weeks since the last time I've read the XXX emails they shared. Why do I argue with myself almost daily about reading them again? Why do I want to? It will make me shake uncontrollably and send me into an emotional free fall, but yet, I still have the urge to. Anyone else? Why is this?

Skan posted 7/8/2013 16:45 PM

Because you can't believe it. Because you hope that if you read them again, they will have changed. Because you hope that they aren't as bad as you remember. Because sometimes, you have to see or hear things over and over and over again, before it sinks in.

In time, your need to re-read will probably die down. But I'm over a year out and I still do go back and re-read. Just because I need to remind myself that this really did happen. (((hugs)))

starmoonchild posted 7/8/2013 17:09 PM

Totally agree with all of the above. I am still reading the e-mails a year later as well, my mind just seems to need to see them to believe it, and then I get upset all over again. It tears me apart to read them, but I just have to, God.

1Faith posted 7/8/2013 17:16 PM

Agree with everyone. I also think it is to validate how we feel. We don't want to be the emotional wreck we are so by re-reading them it justifies our "craziness"

Hang in there and do what you need to do to feel okay even if it is the cause of pain.

We all get it and understand.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 7:52 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Jospehine85 posted 7/8/2013 17:53 PM

You will probably read them until you are literally bored of reading them and they no longer elicit a strong physical reaction.

Ashland13 posted 7/8/2013 17:55 PM

This is part of why I call post-dday time a sort of fog and also a process or journey that we are unwillingly thrust on.

Stress. Shock. Numbness. Loss of time.

And so on go the magnitude of feelings that come to us without notice.

When time restarted after DDay, I, too, had behavior patterns like OldCow. An IC I had said it was a combination of the feelings and a sense of OCD, the repetition points to that. I've read some other scenarios of people having this reaction and like I said, I did it too, but it was constantly looking at the social networks to see how they had changed, was I still there? and so on.

FWIW, I had to make conscientious effort to stop and finally had to realize on my own, that I was causing myself more hurt with the behavior pattern.

It was not overnight and yes, I caused myself the pain that you are having happen, but that's part of why I also think of our recovery as a process.

I wish you well and hope that you will be able to overcome this "stage" soon, OldCow.

P.S. Thank you for the smile that I got from reading your screen name.

musiclovingmom posted 7/8/2013 17:58 PM

I did this too. Then, I deleted them. I know what they said. I see them over and over in my brain, but they're getting fuzzier. Only the real zingers stand out now. And the pictures. I made the decision to delete them becuse I KNEW it would always hurt to read them, I KNEW they weren't going to change, I KNEW no matter how many times I read them it wouldn't undo what he did. But it took me some time to get there.

ouchbroken posted 7/9/2013 17:33 PM

I read them once and then got rid of them all. Now I sometimes wish that I hadn't but maybe it's for the best?

gypsybird87 posted 7/9/2013 17:44 PM

I don't have any emails or texts between them, so my self-torture was going to their facebook pages over and over and over.... Ugh. Looking for pictures (why?!), and to see if either one had changed their status to "in a relationship with..." Pathetic, right? I know.

In honor of the 4th, I declared July my "independence month" from the FB obsessing. I wrote up a little declaration of independence even! It says:

"July is the month of independence. I declare my independence from facebook stalking. During the month of July, I will not look at XWH's page, or OW's page or OWD's (her daughters) page. I deserve this independence! My time is too valuable to be wasted on caring about people who do not care about me."

In order to get through this month, I've given myself silent permission to snoop all I want at midnight on Aug 1st, lol. But hopefully by that time, I won't want to anymore and will have broken this destructive habit. So far, so good!!

Maybe you could try something similar? Just an idea.

Hugs to you!!

thecosmogirl posted 7/9/2013 23:10 PM

My WH wrote me a letter, declaring that was All of the disclosure,.,.,I want to believe that letter and read it over and over......still not positive perception of disclosure is not his.....
I do take this into consideration......but.....still not 100% convinced...
Because of the lies early on after Day...

solus sto posted 7/10/2013 08:39 AM

The traumatized mind can only take in hurtful information incrementally. So, we return again and again to the hurtful questions and documents because our minds need the reinforcement that repetition affords.

You're not a glutton for punishment. You're simply trying to understand. And because you can't take it all in at once, there's a teeny bit of magical thinking....the hope that, maybe this time, you'll see something different, something that gives you hope.

It's normal. At some point, you will know them all by heart, and stop returning to them. You will decide that they have nothing to offer you.

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