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need someone to hit me on the head - I cannot control my husband

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birdwatch posted 7/8/2013 16:23 PM

The serial cheating stopped almost 6 years ago, but I have never had to go out of town on business during that time. I will be going out of the country on business in September (for only 5 days).

I am not stupid enough to let a career opportunity pass me by, so I will certainly be going. My husband, due to his contract work, will not be able to join me.

I am now freaking out inside. I know it's stupid. My husband works from home a lot (whereas I am an office worker) so if he wants to, he could cheat all he wants now from 9 am to 6 pm without me knowing. So I cannot control him, right? If he wants to cheat, he will cheat, whether I am in town or not.

I just need someone to hit me over the head and say, no, you should go on the trip, and no, I cannot be co-dependent and try to control him, and no, if he wants to cheat, he will cheat no matter where I am.

Thank you very much to anyone out there who is listening. I feel stupid for feeling like this after 6 years when my husband has not cheated again during that time.

Love to you all,

Reality posted 7/8/2013 17:39 PM

It'd be great if we could control what triggers we find, but, yeah, not a part of the gig.


This is just a trigger. You have been working on your marriage successfully for a long time. You're exactly right that had he wanted to continue in destructive behaviors, he could have done that without you going out of town.

Sometimes the normal mundane schedule of day to day only gives you the same things to think about. Doing something new can be both anxious, but exciting. Let it be exciting! Let it be an adventure.

Don't beat yourself up for triggering. Just see it for what it is and take advantage of the opportunity.

Hugs, Bird.

birdwatch posted 7/8/2013 17:41 PM

Dear Reality, Thank you very much for your kind words. They mean a lot. I thought I was over it, but I guess I was not. But I am grateful for the career opportunity so I suppose some thing is going well. Thank you again, for being a friend. Bird

MoreWould posted 7/8/2013 17:44 PM


I'm so sorry you even have to go through this but 30 years later, I still do too from time to time.

In the end, I just accepted that I can't control FWW, now known to me as W, and she's going to do what she's going to do. I don't think she's screwed around for a long, long time, but sometimes I still trigger. Lately I've gotten some anger flashes for no good reason, just out of the freakin' blue.

Like they say, A's are life changing events, whether you stay or go. I stayed, and really glad I did almost all the time. Those others times are just part of baggage.


Rebreather posted 7/8/2013 17:49 PM

Have fun! Buy me a present!

birdwatch posted 7/8/2013 18:54 PM

Thank you to MoreWould and Rebreather. MoreWould - it's inspirational to hear from someone who has survived infidelity and has a successful marriage for so long (albeit with ups and downs).

njgal480 posted 7/8/2013 19:52 PM

I am 6 and 1/2 yrs post d-day and happily reconciled with a very remorseful FWH.
And I still have triggers.
I think its because the LTA was very traumatizing for me.
So,don't feel stupid. Your trigger, like mine, is due to PISD (post infidelity stress disorder).
But, knowing that, you should not let the trigger stop you from going.
Breathe, relax...and enjoy yourself.
Would it help you to discuss this with your FWH before you leave?
Or is he like my FWH who would be horrified to know that I still trigger so long after d-day?

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