Just saw joeboo posted a similar post. My question is when am I goingto feel nothing, indifference? I know in my head this is over but I'm frozen as to finalizing it. I don't hate ws, in fact we have pleasant times. But as joeboo mentioned, sometimes on Friday, knowing he's coming home for 2days, I feel anxious, trapped, nervous..like oh shit, time to snap to it. My peace feels jeopardized when he's here. Sometimes we work on projects at home and we laugh together, then admire what we accomplished. Other times he hovers and I feel caged..where ya going, what ya doing, whos on the phone, then I get really annoyed. Sometimes after we've had a nice weekend and I feel close to him again, I see where he went in the bathroom and sent ow a message. This is when the throat lump hits, I feel hurt then I get so fucking mad because he's such a fraud and I fell for it again.
I see life without him. Ive fantasized about my own little place without NASCAR memorabilia
, salads for dinner instead of carnivorous meals and I get a warm peaceful feeling. Next comes the fear. It's an ugly picture of me in some lonely cold shithole apart that even my kids won't come to. Instead of salads, I can only afford catfood to eat
What is wrong with my fickle ass. I want it over but I don't want to do it. I wish he would just leave, make it where I don't have a choice..just go. So what is this? Is it a step, a phase? Am I nuts? Is it a step towards not loving him or is it a step back at not being able to not love him.. suggestions, advice a 200 x 400 to knock some fn sense into me..please