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t/j from how do know...when'it going to happen

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Ostrich80 posted 7/8/2013 19:24 PM

Just saw joeboo posted a similar post. My question is when am I goingto feel nothing, indifference? I know in my head this is over but I'm frozen as to finalizing it. I don't hate ws, in fact we have pleasant times. But as joeboo mentioned, sometimes on Friday, knowing he's coming home for 2days, I feel anxious, trapped, oh shit, time to snap to it. My peace feels jeopardized when he's here. Sometimes we work on projects at home and we laugh together, then admire what we accomplished. Other times he hovers and I feel caged..where ya going, what ya doing, whos on the phone, then I get really annoyed. Sometimes after we've had a nice weekend and I feel close to him again, I see where he went in the bathroom and sent ow a message. This is when the throat lump hits, I feel hurt then I get so fucking mad because he's such a fraud and I fell for it again.
I see life without him. Ive fantasized about my own little place without NASCAR memorabilia , salads for dinner instead of carnivorous meals and I get a warm peaceful feeling. Next comes the fear. It's an ugly picture of me in some lonely cold shithole apart that even my kids won't come to. Instead of salads, I can only afford catfood to eat
What is wrong with my fickle ass. I want it over but I don't want to do it. I wish he would just leave, make it where I don't have a choice..just go. So what is this? Is it a step, a phase? Am I nuts? Is it a step towards not loving him or is it a step back at not being able to not love him.. suggestions, advice a 200 x 400 to knock some fn sense into me..please

Maryruth posted 7/9/2013 06:08 AM

No, I don't think you are nuts. I'm not sure if it's a step forward or backward though. You've expressed very well some of the thoughts I have.

Right now, I think I know in my head it's over but I feel frozen too. And just like you I can feel so peaceful when he's gone or when I'm away and when I have to return or know he's returning I feel myself switch. I get anxious, feel trapped, dread what will be said and how he'll act and then how I'll feel.

And then we have some good times together, laugh, enjoy an activity together. And inevitably he does something that makes me 'feel' he's going out to send a text or make a phone call, and I feel the disappointment all over again and am mad at myself for being taken in by his 'niceness' to me. I get that lump in my throat too, and lots of memories of what has happened reappear in my mind.

I hadn't thought of it as a step in the process I have to go through to finally resolve my feelings for him and be able to end it all. I find that a comforting thought. If it is that, I can feel a little better about myself. I also just want him to leave on his own so I can avoid making that decision.

I also think that both you and I probably have other times when we have resolve and great fortitude about doing the difficult confrontations that need to happen. It's kind of like righting the ship...we may wobble back and forth during the process but the momentum is on our side.

Ostrich80 posted 7/9/2013 08:17 AM

Thank you Maryruth...although I wouldnt wish this on ayone, its nice to know I'm not the only one. I get really mad at myself. I want to be oneof those kick ass take names ppl that say..its over, I want a D. I'm just overly cautious, afraid of making mistakes etc...anyhoo cheers to us and confusion free thinking.

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