"He swears I just made too big a deal out of it (they were just good friends ) and we probably would have been fine if I just had kept my cool."
Good Lord! Are we married to the same asshole?!? My Ex also swore that my reaction to the affair was over the top. Did I destroy his shit? No. Did I stab him? Nope. Did I get mad and refused to silently let him cheat on me? Yup! Unforgivable in the assbackwards world my Ex lives in. Even if I destroyed everything he owned it wouldn't compare to what he did to me.
Like the POS I'm divorcing, it sounds like your WH is minimizing his affair and blameshifting everything on you even though he can't even come up with a logical means to do so. He has to make shit up in order to demonize you and justify his affair. He knows that your reaction to the affair didn't cause it. How the heck can the RESULTS of someone's actions cause the action?!
I think I wrote here before that my anger about the affair was so strong that it traveled through space and time and CAUSED my Ex to cheat before the anger existed. <~That somehow makes sense in the mind of a lunatic.
You need to go NC. I didn't want to do. I hated it, failed at it multiple times, tried again and hated it some more but eventually there was enough time and boundaries between Ex and I that I began to clearly see the manipulative asshole for what he was. I knew that the things he was saying made no sense from the beginning but by arguing with him I gave him the opportunity to blame me, insult me and disrespect me even more. He isn't saying things like that because it's the truth. Chances are good that he would NEVER say the things he is saying to you to someone else because he knows how stupid his reasons are. He's saying it because he is trying to find a way to hurt you, make you question yourself and to feel in control.
You gotta shut him down by shutting him out.
If you would have shut up, lay down and let him walk all over you he would have??...... walked all over you. Then stomped all over you. And he probably would have tossed you out like the worn out doormat you would have become. But it's safe to say that pretending you were OK with the affair would not have suddenly made your WH a better man with integrity. Quite the opposite.
The loss of what we *thought* our future held is a huge and painful loss. The POS that we are rid of isn't a loss at all. It's no more of a loss than removing a tumor would be. I read on SI the analogy of this being like the removal of a tumor and that really rang a bell for me. Sure it's removal causes trauma, pain and requires time to heal, but in the end your quality of life is MUCH better than if you had not gone through this and let that tumor continue to grow and suck the life out of you.