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I keep questioning myself.

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VeryUncertain posted 7/8/2013 21:43 PM

I am proceeding with the divorce and I am about a year out from Dday. He has moved on from girl #1 onto #2. If I didn't have the kids I would have never spoken to him again after Dday but I DO have young kids. He has revised the history of our marriage and says that he was unhappy but most importantly criticizes me for all the fighting that occurred after Dday. would you expect? He started cheating when my littlest was 6 months old. Yes - I was a little annoyed. He swears I just made too big a deal out of it (they were just good friends ) and we probably would have been fine if I just had kept my cool.

I'm definitely moving on - as previously mentioned he's on girl #2 and I don't really care all that much. He's definitely sleeping with this one. I am really mourning the loss of my family and companionship, though, and I just feel so badly for my very young kids.

I'm sure I'll find a much better guy but I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I guess I was just totally duped by this one. He gave me everything and did everything and was absolutely the sweetest. You know, until he wasn't. I know everybody goes through this but I am having such a tough time letting go of who I thought he was, how I thought my life was going to be, and how this all is going to affect my poor kids.

I'm getting better and better but if anyone has thoughts on how to just let go of the "what should have beens" and can convince me that me being upset about his first emotional affair was a) justified and b) not really the reason we're not together now, that would be great.

nowiknow23 posted 7/8/2013 21:46 PM

I know everybody goes through this but I am having such a tough time letting go of who I thought he was, how I thought my life was going to be, and how this all is going to affect my poor kids.
There is a fair amount of grieving we all must endure in this process. Grieving the spouse we thought we knew, the future we had planned, and on and on.


damncutekitty posted 7/8/2013 21:51 PM

Oh the marital history re-writes can be hilarious.

My XH was an emotionally abusive control freak. He had complete control of the marital finances. He dictated what I could eat, what I wore, who I socialized with, how much I saw my family, etc. And yet after d-day he accused ME of being controlling. I lived in constant fear of his verbal attacks, I had no control over anything! It was insane.

Kajem posted 7/8/2013 22:38 PM

He brought a third person into the marriage without asking you if it was ok. You had every right to be upset. If the shoe were on the other foot, would he act any differently.

Time will help you see how badly he is broken. Give yourself the gift of time.

It isn't about him anymore... it's about you.



Pippy posted 7/8/2013 22:39 PM

Don't give him the time of day. You are divorcing him. He's history. Why open old wounds ?

SBB posted 7/8/2013 23:17 PM

The advice here is strict NC - staying in touch with him and discussing anything but the absolute essentials is will only keep your wounds open longer.

My girls were 4 and 18m on DD - I struggled with NC not because I *had* to talk to him but because I still had hope. After a 3m False R NC was easier. I don't discuss anything with him that isn't absolutely essential or info he doesn't have access to himself.

I also insisted on all comms via text/email. No chats. I arranged it so all handovers are done via daycare/school. I only have to see him on public holidays or school holidays.

Remove yourself from him to give you space to remove him from you.

They all rewrite the marital history. They all blame the BS. They all move onto the next victim ASAP like a parasite who needs a host urgently.

Please read "She's Special" - it kicked off my healing more than any other thing I've ever come across.

((VeryUncertain)) We weren't fools fooled - we were supposed to trust them. They made vows and promises to us which they broke. They feigned a set of values and integrity which they simply do not possess. None of this is your fault - these Waywards were always going to cheat on their spouses - it was written well before we entered the story.

It is just how they are built - their toxic coping mechanism and we and our children are merely the collateral damage.

It hurts to realise it but we are not significant factors in any of this - we were the unwitting participants (sometimes active participants by tolerating unacceptable treatment and behaviour).

You are dealing with all of this at the same time right now. We all do.

I promise you it won't always hurt this much. But you have to detach for healing to occur.

Housefulloflove posted 7/9/2013 01:19 AM

"He swears I just made too big a deal out of it (they were just good friends ) and we probably would have been fine if I just had kept my cool."

Good Lord! Are we married to the same asshole?!? My Ex also swore that my reaction to the affair was over the top. Did I destroy his shit? No. Did I stab him? Nope. Did I get mad and refused to silently let him cheat on me? Yup! Unforgivable in the assbackwards world my Ex lives in. Even if I destroyed everything he owned it wouldn't compare to what he did to me.

Like the POS I'm divorcing, it sounds like your WH is minimizing his affair and blameshifting everything on you even though he can't even come up with a logical means to do so. He has to make shit up in order to demonize you and justify his affair. He knows that your reaction to the affair didn't cause it. How the heck can the RESULTS of someone's actions cause the action?!

I think I wrote here before that my anger about the affair was so strong that it traveled through space and time and CAUSED my Ex to cheat before the anger existed. <~That somehow makes sense in the mind of a lunatic.

You need to go NC. I didn't want to do. I hated it, failed at it multiple times, tried again and hated it some more but eventually there was enough time and boundaries between Ex and I that I began to clearly see the manipulative asshole for what he was. I knew that the things he was saying made no sense from the beginning but by arguing with him I gave him the opportunity to blame me, insult me and disrespect me even more. He isn't saying things like that because it's the truth. Chances are good that he would NEVER say the things he is saying to you to someone else because he knows how stupid his reasons are. He's saying it because he is trying to find a way to hurt you, make you question yourself and to feel in control.

You gotta shut him down by shutting him out.

If you would have shut up, lay down and let him walk all over you he would have??...... walked all over you. Then stomped all over you. And he probably would have tossed you out like the worn out doormat you would have become. But it's safe to say that pretending you were OK with the affair would not have suddenly made your WH a better man with integrity. Quite the opposite.

The loss of what we *thought* our future held is a huge and painful loss. The POS that we are rid of isn't a loss at all. It's no more of a loss than removing a tumor would be. I read on SI the analogy of this being like the removal of a tumor and that really rang a bell for me. Sure it's removal causes trauma, pain and requires time to heal, but in the end your quality of life is MUCH better than if you had not gone through this and let that tumor continue to grow and suck the life out of you.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 1:22 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Amazonia posted 7/9/2013 08:39 AM

I agree that NC would probably help. I know you two talk pretty regularly, and have throughout everything, and cutting that down to a bare minimum, very business-like, kids only, will help a lot. It's much easier to move forward once you are no longer interacting with the past.

And he's not that great. He's a potato.

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