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Newest Member: Helplessylost (61505)

User Topic: Sex in cars (warning maybe tmi)
♂ 38062
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We often speak of the way our BS's trigger but of course it's certainly true that a WS can have triggers too.

For me, I always felt that having sex in a car would be a huge trigger. The AP and I had most of our encounters in her vehicle. Because of this, I specifically told my BS that sex in a car would be a trigger for me.

But there is one thing that I found out about this trigger tonight and I felt that sharing this might help others.

Sex in a car with the AP was out of necessity, not out of want. In the beginning I'll admit there was some excitement to having sex in a car with the AP but that wore off quick. I ended up feeling kind of dirty doing it this way and was constantly fearful of being caught. Yet, the sex in cars continued anyway... out of pure necessity.

Tonight, after a long evening in the city with my BS, desires took over and she asked me to touch her; which I did. I first thought I would trigger on this but low and behold.. it did not happen.

Eventually, it got to the point where we did find a dark secluded spot and made love in the car. I was initially fearful that I would trigger and not be able to perform but this didn't happen. I realized that it was because I WANTED to have sex in the car. I wanted my BS so much and wanted her then and there. It was not out of necessity.. it was out of a true desire to be with her and even in the car.

My BS and I had some very memorable moments in the car when we were young and stupid. I feel that having sex in a car with the AP stole the good memories my wife and I had built previously. Tonight, my BS helped me to take back those memories.

So I say to other WSs out that that may have there own triggers of some kind. You are not alone. Just as a BS talks about taking back some of the things they feel the affair stole from them, you too can do the same.

Good luck... and thank you to all the BSs who have the strength to help their WSs with a trigger even though we may not deserve the help.

Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH and I took back that trigger early in HB.

...we recently bought two new vehicles though...

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1814 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggers are not exclusive to BS only. Congrats on conquering one.

I know the feeling. My husband helped me with one recently. We attacked it as a team. We had a good time, we created new memories. It's a great feeling.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggers (ghosts) can seem to be everywhere. I was brilliant enough to have an A locally, in a small suburb, and my xAP and I are both still here. So our "shared and created touchstones" (I know...eewwww) have transitioned into a cornucopia of triggers.

I guess it is what I choose to do with them that counts most. Do I let them create fear, corrode, and control me (I'm VERY guilty of this at times)...and put me into a place where I am clinging to the past (and while I'm there, why don't I romanticize my deep LUURVV...yup, more ewwwww). Or am I able to actively practice letting them go, defusing their explosiveness and power, and even more importantly replace them with new and good and healthy thought patterns and experiences. It takes practice, and I'm just getting started on vigorously letting go of "trigger clinging".

It sucks knowing that due to geographical proximity there are easy routes to "placing myself in harm's way" with my toxic and damaged xAP. Every day is some kind of trigger fest from the past, and that doesn't include the days where a car driveby or sighting occurs (thankfully few). But what should that matter? If I'm actively in a healthy mode of repair related to my marriage, my BS, and most importantly my toxic and damaged WS self, then my sole focus despite any triggers will be on what is important and REAL. Easier said than done.

I've really had enough of my twisted little fantasy constructs. They are exhausting...

Two words for me on car triggers: new car. My old one had high mileage, mechanical deficiencies, and bad karma. Just like old me...

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:16 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 51. Her: BW, 50. Married 20 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 404 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
♂ 38062
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustDesserts I understand fully about the locality issues you face; I'm in a similar situation.

Do I let them create fear, corrode, and control me

In the early days after discovery, driving by a motel where we met messed me up pretty bad. I completely broke down in the car as I approached and drove by.

For me, triggers bring on sadness, then regret, and sometimes internal self hatred because of the choices I made and the consequences of those choices. I never have triggers that make me miss the AP in any way.

Two words for me on car triggers: new car.

Luckily for me, the car involved was the APs car though on occasion I see the same make, model, color of car and do trigger... though it is more like just an uneasy feeling.

Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 36345
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, vans trigger me. My AP and I had 2 sexual encounters and both were in his van. So when I go to work and see his van, I trigger hard. Luckily I haven't had to see him or his van for the past three months, so it's been nice.

Another trigger for me is a local well known coffee shop. It is extremely popular. My AP and I met up there before driving off to go do stuff. My husband and I are slowly helping that trigger though. Right after D-Day we went there just to sit and talk. We have done so a few times since. So that trigger is slowly going away.

Unfortunately my work triggers me too. I have to go back there eventually and I don't want to. I am on maternity leave right now so I am able to slowly deal with things. But when I go back I know it is going to be hard. Although I don't work directly with him, I still see him, especially on Saturdays. So I am not sure how to deal with that.

I am right now though looking at going back to school so I don't have to be at work as much. I am also going to try and look for a new job soon. My work really bothers my husband too. He doesn't like the people I work with or the actual place I work. I do have to go back though. Hopefully not for too long though.

BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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