How to make someone see the 'right way' when they don't want to? There isn't.
If I could fake it every day he'd be perfectly happy. I believe he loves me in the only way he knows how, but it's not enough for me. The kind of love I need, well that kind of love would never be OK asking me to do this to myself. It would never ask me to sacrifice myself for them. It would never ask me to (figuratively) kill myself, hate myself enough, lower my standards so much or murder my self worth to this point...and all to just make their life easier. Real love and respect wouldn't ask me to be silent when I'm in pain, to hide my tears so they don't have to face that their choices did this to me, to us, so they don't have to feel bad.
I've given up the dream that I'll wake up to find he's undergone a lobotomy, that my Warty Toad has transformed into a Smiling Tree Frog!
He's not going to voluntarily read books, and then want to talk about them! He's not going to book an appointment with a counselor, he's not going to initiate a heart-to-heart, he's not going to surf around on SI, much less create an account, because he made a mistake, he's sorry, he won't do it again...end of story.
He was apparently abducted by aliens for months, or maybe it was an out of body experience like none other. Nothing led up to it, he doesn't still have A behaviors, he knows how to communicate and his coping skills are top notch. He doesn't know why he did it, but he's sure positive he won't do it again. Can't remember one.single.detail, and can't seem to grasp why I just won't swallow that sh*t sandwich, and wear happy face while I do it. Be happy, don’t talk about anything uncomfortable (especially the affair!), go out and have fun, take care of them, and of course lots and lots of good sex…ah, all is good in their world!
He knows I won’t leave. He knows I want to be happy and I’m the type to put in as much effort as possible (for both of us). He uses this against me, he’ll play good and appease for awhile. Read ‘How to Help Your Spouse…’ but of course stopped as soon as looked happy enough. Picks it back up whenever he feels a bad episode coming. He’s never talked about the book and obviously hasn’t followed one piece of advice. He also lives in a very comfortable world knowing I won’t go anywhere. He’s able to get away with a lot, cause come on, what am I really going to do about it?
I’ve been married/divorced with a child. That situation was the definition of dysfunctional. I honestly thought I knew what I was getting myself into this time, I mean, this man was NOTHING like my ex, how bad could it be? 4 more kids later… I know exactly what divorce means, I have first hand knowledge how horrible custody arrangements can go, I know how hard being a single parent is. I cannot in wildest imagination see a path to do that now. 5 kids, one grandchild, out of the workplace for over 8 years, mountains of debt…yeah, not going to happen, at least not before the youngest is in school and the oldest and grandbaby are on their own. God, how did I let myself get into this situation, at just 37 years old?!?
If for whatever reason I ever did get out, I can say with just about 100% conviction, I would never marry again. Not saying I wouldn’t attempt to find someone and be happy, but I wouldn’t marry. I would never be financially reliant on anyone ever again. I would never put myself into a situation where I felt trapped ever again.