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hurt314 posted 7/9/2013 00:50 AM

I don't know if it's because it's A season or just that things have seemed so stagnant and sad between my H and I lately, but I find myself thinking about the A a lot, and thinking about marriage. Ours and marriage in general. Also I've been visiting here a lot more, just to check in and read. I think it still just makes me feel better to not feel quite so isolated.

It's funny, I was so shocked and devastated to learn of his A. Like so many people I couldn't believe he would do that. With 2.5 years reflection though, I find it very easy to believe. Hurtful yes. But easy to believe. He was only thinking of himself and what he wanted - which was her. If I'm honest with myself, it's not like he ever seemed especially devoted or in love with me. I'm just the girl he married.

At this point I guess we are "rugsweeping" though sometimes I feel like it's just making the best of a bad situation. We can't communicate without fighting, there is a huge amount of resentment on both sides about many things, and I'm trying to just move to a new place in my head where I don't worry about what he thinks of me.

I want to keep the peace. I want our children to feel secure. I don't think those are bad things but I also feel so muddled. I've tried so hard and so many times to "save" our marriage but I can't do it alone. Now I feel like if I try again, or if he pretends like he is going to try again, it will just be too much for me. If I just let go now, it won't hurt so much anymore.

Once a long time ago I thought that marriage would be love and partnership and friendship and fighting and making up and being a team. I'm sure it is for some people - but maybe for some it's just a good arrangement for raising a family.

I have read too many romantic books and seen too many romantic movies.

This is super rambling I know - I can't seem to pull my thoughts together.

Arais posted 7/9/2013 03:39 AM

hurt: I can relate totally to your post. Still here in this M but not here at all really. My WH is remorseful but is unable - and I have to believe this - unable to do what it takes for me to consider being really married again. When I think of myself I think of myself as not single but unmarrried. I think a lot about marriage too and the dream that I had of growing old with him means nothing to me now. He talks about it all the time, he looks forward to it. For me any of these statements/discussions are followed in my head by NOW. You want it NOW. You need it NOW. How about before you destroyed everything? Why didn't I matter then? Why didn't you love me so much before you made those decisions and if you loved me so much how could you? Goes around and around in my head all the time. I don't believe it. And in the last year I have seen 3 solid 25-30 year old marriages fall apart. 3 of my friends just walked away from their marriages. Their reason? They didn't want to be married anymore. I see it more and more. The marriage that you admired the one that you thought was perfect was not. I am here for the kids. I know it. He knows it. But like you I don't think that is a bad reason. In his own way he is trying very very hard every day to make good but he still avoids conversations and becomes defensive when I bring up any discussion of A. He is reconciling in his way. I have told him that it doesn't work for me but he keeps going hoping that if he loves me enough I will start to feel the same way I used to about him. Everyone thinks we are a very happy couple. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage.

It is sad that you think that you were only ever "the girl he married".
Do you really think this is true?

Notmetoo2011 posted 7/9/2013 06:32 AM

Boy, can I relate to these posts. Prior to DDay I thought that my M was one of the few things I'd done right in my life. I knew I had honored my vows and I thiught WH had too. How wrong I was and how sad to find out it was all a sham. Over the years, so many acquaintances and quite a few friends of ours have divorced. I always felt sorry that their Ms had not worked out and felt maybe a little smug that mine was ( for the most part) good. I felt lucky that I had found a good, loyal, loving man who had my best interests at heart and who I was sure would always have my back and never hurt me. Well, what a joke that turned out to be. Now I envy those people who just had their differences and got divorced. I would take that any day over this.

I look at couples differently now. I wonder if one of them has cheated on the other. I wonder how happy they actually are. Outside appearances are definitely deceiving. From talking to a few friends over the last couple of years, I realize now how many marriages are not the happy, fairytale relationships they appear to be. Anyone looking at WH and I would assume we are happily married. I used to think that marriage was a great insitution. Reality is sad and disallusioning.

Guttedagain posted 7/9/2013 07:10 AM

I can also relate to this. Like you, the why does it it mean so much to him now when he was happy to risk losing it all for sex with tarts who didn't mean anything. It just goes around and around in my head too.

sisoon posted 7/9/2013 10:15 AM

My parents fought a LOT. It's all I knew, so I hardly realized how much I hated it or how much it affected my behavior as an adult. (On the plus side, I was open to and adopted 'soft' fighting techniques pretty effectively. On the minus side, I avoided direct confrontation as much as possible - and I've suffered for my avoidance.)

What I read is that you either fight or you suppress a desire to fight. My bet is that your kids either notice or blind themselves to the tension. I'm not sure you're doing your kids a favor.

Is MC an option?

ETA - Yikes! This question has given me some insight into my experience that I had stopped looking for, since I figured I'd never get it. Thanks!

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:42 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

hurt314 posted 7/15/2013 02:22 AM

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here. I try not to come on too much because I don't want it to become an issue here.

I think that he thought he loved me when we got married. But he has told me in the past that he just married me because he felt a lot of pressure that it was what we were supposed to do next. He has since said that's not true, but it's hard to just forget all the times he said it was true. And he often acts like he just doesn't like me very much, so it's hard to imagine he's madly in love.

Sisoon - MC is hard right now. Money is tight and finding childcare and time and all that is tough. Plus, I have brought it up multiple times and he doesn't show much interest. We also have a lot of books we are supposed to read "together" but he doesn't show much interest there either.

I don't know that we are either fighting or trying not to fight, though you made me think about that. I know my kids pick up on a lot of tension, so I bury my bad feelings pretty deep inside. I can tell when they are feeling it - they each have little quirks that give it away. When I'm trying to keep the peace, I'm truly trying to FEEL better, not just pretend to feel better. Sometimes it's hard and it comes out. Other times its easier to ignore our past and pretend that nothing has gone wrong.

I don't know that it's the best for my kids to think of marriage this way, but it's not just my marriage. It's all marriage. I just don't see it the same way anymore. Not my parents', not his parents' not my friends'.

All I know is I can't even think about being apart from my kids. Whenever I hear about anyone sharing custody and making custody arrangements I know I couldn't do it. It's selfish really. I don't want to give them up, even part time. That sounds very cold and calculated, but also I really do think that we are giving them a more stable home like this, even if we aren't really "happy."

WoundedOpus posted 7/15/2013 06:04 AM

I've cycled through this many times over the last 5 years. Unfortunately for me, each cycle of 'bury the pain, put on a happy face, accept that this is the way it is and always will be', is harder to do and lasts less and less time. It was probably around year 2.5 when I finally came to terms with the fact that FWH wasn't who I thought he was, that my marriage wasn't and wouldn't be what I had dreamed of. I stopped asking 'how could you?' (in my head, never out loud anymore). I looked at him and was no longer shocked that he was capable of doing this.

Everything it takes to maintain a life like this does not come naturally to me. I'm not a rug sweeper, I don't avoid conflict, I don't hide my emotions, and after 5 years have completely given up trying to learn compartmentalization. Attempting all of this for so long has just left me exhausted. Exhausted on so many levels, in so many ways and so completely that I'm done trying any longer.

I want, need, a partner. Life and marriage are so hard even when an affair isn't part of it. I'm tired of facing it all alone. I have no one to share my burdens with, and no one to share the triumphs with either :(

MC is pointless. My husband is not a stupid man, and we're way past the fog stage. We have 5 years of dysfunction behind us, 5 years of proof that his way doesn't work. He's seen the destruction of his choices (post A), he's read books. In essence, he knows the right steps, knows the right path...he doesn't do it because he doesn't want to. There are a million reasons I'm sure for that choice (not that he shares them with me), but in the end it's still the choice he's made, and the one I have to live with.

Hugs to you (((hurt314))). Sorry I don't have any words of advice. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Lost&Hurt posted 7/15/2013 07:07 AM


I think we are twins separated at birth.....and you are married to my husband's twin.

It's frightening....He confessed to me on February 13, 2008.

We've been struggling ever since.

My heart breaks for you and for myself.

[This message edited by Lost&Hurt at 7:14 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

PhantomLimb posted 7/15/2013 07:16 AM

WoundedOpus : me, too. The only difference with me being he left me in the end. :(

shatter-ed posted 7/15/2013 07:57 AM

(((hurt314))) I too can relate to your post, it was the fourth year of A season for me. My FWH is remorseful and desperately trying to save our M but I no longer see any point to M and have no desire to see my children married, this makes me sad and something else to resent him for!

Notmetoo2011 - I feel exactly like that too

doggiediva posted 7/15/2013 08:49 AM

If I can successfully get out of my marriage,(in house separation) with my life and livelihood intact, I will never marry anybody else!

That is how I think and feel most days anyway!

IMHO, there is nothing wrong with the institution of marriage and family if the people within the marriages/families respect each other without abusing one another.

My only experience in marriage has been with a selfish partner!

So I am cynical in my thoughts on marriage..

In the aftermath of WH's stupid decisions that ruined our lives, I am exhausted..

Now I feel like marriage is a form of prison..

A future of having to consider a spouse's needs in everything that I do or plan to do seems stifling..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:05 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

WhatsRight posted 7/15/2013 09:43 AM

I would like to make that triplets!

I have done EVERYTHING I know to help us heal - set up counseling, read books together, etc., etc., etc. But it is always me.

My husband doesn't cheat any more. But there is no relationship. NO intimacy - of any kind.

I, too, believe he is not the man I thought he was. He told me he always dreamed of having a wife and family. He was / is severely disabled, and when I look back, I think I was someone he thought - "I will never be able to get anyone else - she will do."

My husband is reading "How to Help your Partner Heal after your Affair" now, but he doesn't speak about it, and nothing has changed.

Its not going to.

cancuncrushed posted 7/15/2013 10:10 AM

Same here. 5 Years, He never confessed. He denies still. We still have huge fights. About once a month now. Just had one this weekend. Things still creep in my head, that I missed earlier. I too look at things like you do. I am very sad inside. Disappointed in life. He keeps trying. After every fight, he will clean and cook and serve. ANd wants sex. These are his way of showing affection. They mean nothing to me. I need words. ANd comforting. He cant go there. I feel so dead inside. i bought quite a few lottery tickets.

WoundedOpus posted 7/15/2013 12:37 PM

How to make someone see the 'right way' when they don't want to? There isn't.

If I could fake it every day he'd be perfectly happy. I believe he loves me in the only way he knows how, but it's not enough for me. The kind of love I need, well that kind of love would never be OK asking me to do this to myself. It would never ask me to sacrifice myself for them. It would never ask me to (figuratively) kill myself, hate myself enough, lower my standards so much or murder my self worth to this point...and all to just make their life easier. Real love and respect wouldn't ask me to be silent when I'm in pain, to hide my tears so they don't have to face that their choices did this to me, to us, so they don't have to feel bad.

I've given up the dream that I'll wake up to find he's undergone a lobotomy, that my Warty Toad has transformed into a Smiling Tree Frog!

He's not going to voluntarily read books, and then want to talk about them! He's not going to book an appointment with a counselor, he's not going to initiate a heart-to-heart, he's not going to surf around on SI, much less create an account, because he made a mistake, he's sorry, he won't do it again...end of story.

He was apparently abducted by aliens for months, or maybe it was an out of body experience like none other. Nothing led up to it, he doesn't still have A behaviors, he knows how to communicate and his coping skills are top notch. He doesn't know why he did it, but he's sure positive he won't do it again. Can't remember one.single.detail, and can't seem to grasp why I just won't swallow that sh*t sandwich, and wear happy face while I do it. Be happy, don’t talk about anything uncomfortable (especially the affair!), go out and have fun, take care of them, and of course lots and lots of good sex…ah, all is good in their world!

He knows I won’t leave. He knows I want to be happy and I’m the type to put in as much effort as possible (for both of us). He uses this against me, he’ll play good and appease for awhile. Read ‘How to Help Your Spouse…’ but of course stopped as soon as looked happy enough. Picks it back up whenever he feels a bad episode coming. He’s never talked about the book and obviously hasn’t followed one piece of advice. He also lives in a very comfortable world knowing I won’t go anywhere. He’s able to get away with a lot, cause come on, what am I really going to do about it?

I’ve been married/divorced with a child. That situation was the definition of dysfunctional. I honestly thought I knew what I was getting myself into this time, I mean, this man was NOTHING like my ex, how bad could it be? 4 more kids later… I know exactly what divorce means, I have first hand knowledge how horrible custody arrangements can go, I know how hard being a single parent is. I cannot in wildest imagination see a path to do that now. 5 kids, one grandchild, out of the workplace for over 8 years, mountains of debt…yeah, not going to happen, at least not before the youngest is in school and the oldest and grandbaby are on their own. God, how did I let myself get into this situation, at just 37 years old?!?

If for whatever reason I ever did get out, I can say with just about 100% conviction, I would never marry again. Not saying I wouldn’t attempt to find someone and be happy, but I wouldn’t marry. I would never be financially reliant on anyone ever again. I would never put myself into a situation where I felt trapped ever again.

WoundedOpus posted 7/15/2013 12:38 PM

Guess I should get around to starting my own post...I've been writing it for awhile.

((((Hugs everyone))))

Tesa posted 7/15/2013 12:50 PM

What would it take for you to have the marriage you want?

make a list, read it with your spouse.

This is your LIFE!!! The only one we get. You are responsible for your happiness. What happens when your children are grown and gone?

pewpewpew posted 7/15/2013 13:32 PM

You can add me as well.

Lately, I have been triggering a lot! It's A season for me - 1 year ago this time.
My WH has never confessed as well. And I never had any "proof".
We have a child and I completely understand you not wanting to share time. I need my daughter. I need to know she's safe ALL the time. I'm selfish in this sense as well.

WoundedOpus posted 7/15/2013 13:43 PM

(Tesa) In my own way, I am taking control...just venting here.

What would it take for me to have the happy marriage that I want? Honestly: For me to be married to someone else.

I only have control over me. I have zero control over him (obviously). Since he can't or won't do the things I need, then there just isn't a damn thing I can do about that.

To care for my daughter, I worked a shit ton of hours, including the awful ones she spent with her dad. I had no life, it was lonely and exhausting. I wasn't living with a heavy drinker, sporadically using drugs, and spending all of my money. She wasn't growing up in that environment, all good things. I did however have to share custody with said loser, still had to have at least a certain amount of interaction with loser and his new crazy wife. I was better off out, but wouldn't say I was happy, not by a long shot.

Current situation, I have 4 little boys, my oldest and her baby girl. I am partially responsible for a lot of innocent little people. As bad as I make my husband sound here (again, I was venting), he has many great qualities as well. Unless something drastic happens, there is no way in hell I'm going to pack myself and all of these people up and leave. We are not in a position for either of us to keep/stay in the house. There is also ZERO chance of us affording a place that doesn't have us living on top of each other, literally. And even less of a chance of their father pulling off getting a place that any child in their right mind would want to be.

As much as I love myself, and I really do, I love my kids. And I don't even hate my husband. If it came down to having two homes, that's exactly what I'd want. Two HOMES, where there was some chance at living normally and at least slightly comfortably.

For now, I have decided that offering my kids two parents in one home is the way to go, our baby deserves the right to form a real relationship with his dad (and I’ll do this as long as I can maintain it a happy home FOR THEM). My parents divorced, no ones life was horrible before, they seriously could have maintained, and my dad wanted to. My mom wasn’t happy, so she decided to divorce and find a way to make herself happy. (And of course there’s a whole story there I won’t bore anyone with). I will not be my mother. Every situation is different, but this was mine, this is mine. And for now I do believe it’s in their best interest for me to stay. I’m not a martyr, I’m not sacrificing myself, just weighing the pros and cons and for now this is my choice.

In the meantime… I am severely over worked with kids, but I find a decent amount of time for myself as well. I’m working on becoming a healthier person, with my own life. I do only have one life to live, and I won’t look back and call it a great life if my kids get hurt. While he may have had the ultimate control on what starting this destruction, I have total control on how I handle it.

Who knows, maybe he’ll grow up, grow a pair and man up…miracles do sometimes happen

hurt314 posted 7/16/2013 14:03 PM

I think it's interesting that there are so many in this position.

I wouldn't say that I'm in "limbo" or even terribly unhappy all of the time.

I'm fairly happy, I would say, but that doesn't come from my marriage. That's what I mean when I say my thoughts and beliefs about marriage have changed.

I make my own happiness in other ways, and with my children.

When we don't talk about the things that are bad between us, our partnership is fine. We "get along" fine. But I don't feel like he cares about me or our marriage in the way that I used to think spouses should.

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