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jlaz1988ws posted 7/9/2013 05:48 AM

I have never had n e thing happen in my life like this before I cheated on my w. I would rilly like some advice on helping me and my w with our r .I would like to know outside of the obvious what things I should avoid doing , saying and pushing issues with the home and kids what am I aloud to argue on? Thank you

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/9/2013 07:32 AM

Welcome to SI.

You said "aside from the obvious." Can you give some examples of what these "obvious" things are?

From what I've read in books and SI, the #1 thing not to say is: "It's been X months/years. Aren't you over this yet?" Never ever say that.

At this stage, just about anything we WSs do or say can upset or trigger our BSs. I hope LonelyHusband doesn't mind if I quote what he had been feeling, before he forgave his WW:

For two years OktoberMest would say "you didn't wash up your breakfast bowl" and I'd think "well fuck you, you had an affair."

You're allowed to say whatever you feel, but in these early months that "well, fuck you" response (silently or verbally) is, I think, pretty common. ETA: And others will give you better advice, but IMO we just shut up, take it, and apologize again. Except if our BSs are overtly abusive, physically or verbally.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 7:34 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

jlaz1988ws posted 7/9/2013 12:29 PM

Thanks for the help the obvious for me would be like me not doing none of the things to her that I did in the past I was I real a hole to my w like talking over her macking her feel like I didn't want to be home and I never called her on my brakes at work..

hardlessons posted 7/9/2013 16:18 PM

what am I aloud to argue on?

Can you be a little more clear on this? Is that really a concern this early on?

BaxtersBFF posted 7/9/2013 19:44 PM

Welcome to SI,

You should take some time to read through the Healing Library. The link is in the little yellow box in the upper left hand corner. That has a lot of info for you.

What can you argue on? Anything really...but do you want to keep you marriage? If so then stfu and stop arguing. Yeah, that's a glib answer, and you don't have to be a doormat. But right now there should he nothing so important to you that it is worth arguing about with your BW. You blew up her world, and splitting hairs is not the way to fix anything right now.

Arguing implies you know better. If you knew better you wouldn't have had an affair...

Take your time. Be patient. Figure out why you made the choice to cheat. Validate your BWs pain.

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