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islesguy posted 7/9/2013 07:31 AM

I have been in IC for over a year now and I have been to 5 different therapists during that time and am back now with the 1st one as I feel he has been the best but I still don't feel satisfied. Each starts the same with me going over my past with them and then discussing my issues but then we get to the point where they don't really know what to do anymore. I feel like I have an understanding of why I did the things I did but I want to do more to continue to grow into a better person.

Can you tell me what your experience has been like? What specifically your therapist has asked you to do?

BaxtersBFF posted 7/9/2013 09:17 AM

It's sort of up to you. You're the driver in IC. They are there to help you get to where you want to go. That's my opinion anyway...

As far as having stuff to do (assignments from IC), I was never into that either. Yet I know there have been things that I've challenged myself to do. But most of it has been thinking, introspection, and validating my own feelings and emotions.

Once I finally pulled my head out of my ass and discovered that I wanted R and my BW and our M, it was a matter of letting the IC know that that was where I wanted to go, that was my goal. My best IC took that info and helped me that direction via support and giving opinions/advice from that perspective. Does that make sense?

islesguy posted 7/9/2013 10:32 AM

Yes, that makes sense and my IC has tried to offer advise on how to get to R but my BS is no where near ready for that yet and that is my responsibility as I have struggled to provide her with what she needs.

silverhopes posted 7/10/2013 23:01 PM

Have any of the ICs had background in infidelity?

What were your whys for why you made the choices you made? What are you struggling with right now?

You say that your BS is not yet ready for R. Does she have any guidelines for things she would need to see in order for her to begin R with you? ETA: Have either of you been interested in MC (couples counseling)?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

islesguy posted 7/11/2013 06:42 AM

Yes, I have only chosen IC's with backgrounds in infidelity. I would really love to find one that has actually been the victim of infidelity.

There are many why's that I believe contributed to my cheating on my girlfriend/wife (same person) but the main why is my low self esteem and my need to feel wanted.

The biggest thing I am still struggling with is how to give my wife what she needs. She has specifically told me that she needs me to continuously talk about the times I cheated and hurt her and to drive those conversations with as much detail and emotional description of myself as possible. In the past I couldn't do this and I would fail with trickle truth because of my issues with conflict avoidance. Now I am the point where I am really trying to do this but there is no acceptance of anything I am saying to her because of the years and years of lies and omissions.

We did go to MC back a few years ago but I failed to do what I should have back then and instead continued with the lies to both my wife and the therapist. At this point I can see how much value a MC would provide to us because our conversations with just the two of us are so chaotic and a MC could help keep us on the right path but she has absolutely no interest in going to MC again. Again, I can understand why she feels this way as I have put her through so much. The only real reason she has anything to do with me is for our children and she is a saint for still having any relationship with me at all.

badchoice posted 7/11/2013 09:45 AM

but the main why is my low self esteem and my need to feel wanted.

Have you gotten to the reason behind the above?

Sure, low self esteem and wanting to fell wanted contribute to the problems, but why did you choose to cheat?

Why were you able to see an A as the why to go, and not D or separation, or just talking to your wife? And yes conflict avoidance is the quick answer to why you didn't talk, but look at it this way, lots of people have low self esteem, lots of people don't feel wanted or happy in their M and they don't cheat. What inside of you gave you permission to cheat?

I lied in MC too, it's a killer, I know. Good luck. Your BW doesn't seem to trust you at this point, has she given you conditions to rebuild that trust? things to do? Timeline? What actions besides IC are you doing or have done?

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