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venting and babbling through the pain and confusion

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n0tm3 posted 7/9/2013 08:20 AM

The first initial 6-8 weeks from dday and tt he was putting in %130 while I was a jelly mess. I am sure he was NC but that one call she made to him. Since I have starting becoming a little calmer mostly due to my anti-depressant meds he has started lifting less and me more. My dosage keeps going help to enable me to deal with the reality of the pain of my life now. The level of unbelievable betrayal. I have only seen glimpses that fool me of the man that I married. Other times I see the man in pain for what he has done. As we get further away from D-Day I have started seeing more of the man during the A. Cold, heartless and self-centered. I do not know anymore if he is up to his old ways. I am tired of not trusting him. Living like this. I know that sometimes he does not know what to do so he shuts down and starts becoming the cold jerk he was before this all happened. We both know all of the tricks now to hide an A. We have learned a lot. He is smart and good with technology. I am trusting and can not continue playing detective without going crazy. The MOW whose husband found them out has gone back to her old ways. She has returned to the same social circles playing her clarinet. I am sure that she is back to drinking, flirting and going out with people after rehearsals. Now my husband wants to go back to playing his horn. Not sensitive to my feelings. Just making me the bad guy who has to say I can not handle this yet. He is going to play with an all male quintet. It still doesn't help. I can feel the time coming on when they will go out after playing for a beer to a bar. A bar were to the rest of the old group goes to hang out. The popular bars were orchestra and symphony and orchestra player like to hang out. I feel like I am doing %125 of the heaving lifting and he is doing %75. The most that he has truly given up is his single life that he created once we moved to his home town. It would be nice to get the man that I was madly in love with 5 years ago before he moved us to his home town and became a different person. Some one that I do not understand nor can really relate to. Thank you for reading this. It has been 7 months since D-Day.

unfound posted 7/9/2013 09:13 AM

it sounds like the big effort he was putting in those first 6-8 weeks was just to placate you. if it's not consistent, over time, it's not real, it's not change.

did you let him know that playing in the all male ensemble was still too much for you right now?

n0tm3 posted 7/9/2013 09:18 AM

I agree. He was doing damage control and was feeling guilty. I still did not know everything at the time. It feels like once I found out every sordid truth he tries here and there. He knows I am triggering. He already wanted to play this group and an orchestra. I flat out told him I could not handle that. I let him know that I was appalled that he brought this up to begin with when we are so vulnerable as a couple.

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