I lied to my husband yesterday.
After work we were both walking to the car, I could see him from a distance, from there I thought that he was walking with a woman. I got jealous. When I got into the car I accused him of walking with a car, asking who she was etc. He got defensive. On the way home we talked about the affair, and it was heated...he got mad, we got into a mini fight. At home we was watching Ice Road Truckers and on that show there is a woman truck driver that looks identical to the slut. We got in a fight. He says I am crazy as she looks nothing like the slut, but I could swear they could be twins other than the hair length. It makes me sick to watch the show. He won that fight, and I just stayed out of the living room while he watched he. He should have turned it off, but he should have done a lot of things. While we ate dinner (in front of the TV) I wouldnt look at the screen, he made mention to that and rubbed my back. We did yard work, and put the babies to bed.
While on the car ride home, what started the fight was WH told me that his group and the slut's group might be put together. I dont like this. He knows this, but he still told me in the effort to be honest. He said that he would text the manager and tell them that this cannot be, them already knowing and moving him groups...hopefully something would have been done. He texted the manager, but no reply so maybe they will have to work together. WH reassured me that if they did have to work together (in the same building) that he wouldnt speak to her, look at her, and avoid any close encounter of any kind. Even if she did speak to him, he said he would ignore her. Do I believe this? I dont know. He promised to tell me anything that happened. He promised he would text me if they did have to work together. He wont text me.
After my shower I wanted to shared my worries - one that they might work together and that really bothers me and makes me uncomfortable, and two that he never feels like being intimate with me. He is never in the mood and that makes me feel like he is no longer attracted to me. At lunch, at work yesterday he did get a little frisky in the car and I expressed that maybe being at work where it all happened made him excited. Maybe he needs that excitement to get excited. He claimed it was because I wore a skirt.
When I told him my worries last night we got into a really, really bad fight. I wont remember exactly what was said, but he basically said that I need to be over the affair. He said he has done everything that I have asked. He said that he thinks I am actually getting worse than better. He says that I need for forgive him and move on and never mentioned the affair again so we can move on. He says that he doesnt think I can forgive him. He said that thinks that maybe the reason he isnt getting frisky for me is that all the stress that I cause from fighting. He told me before that he thinks it might be from guilt. When I brought that up, he said thats not right...he feels no guilt for what he did anymore. He said he did feel guilt during and after, but not months after. He said that he thinks me crying at night before bed sometimes is pathetic and a sign of weakness. He said that he knows what he did was wrong, and it will never happen again as he knows what it is like to feel like that, and how it hurts and we knows that is not something he wants. He kept telling me that I had a part in why the affair happened and that I was horrible mean and awful, and not affectionate etc. He said that if I hadnt have been so mean he wouldnt have been tempted to cheat. He went on to say that he thinks everyone cheats when they are presented with temptation. I told him I didnt agree with that....only people who dont care about the person they are with, who are weak, and have poor boundaries, or who can rationalize doing it to themselves that they have a reason. I told him not everyone steals. He kept blaming me, and I told him. He said that I never listen to him or his feelings, and I only care about my feelings. He said that I have been mean, taking digs at him a lot, always rubbing the affair in his face. I told him that he blames me for everything, but he doesnt think so. He said I ruin a lot of nights by talking about the affair, and he does want to me to share my feelings (he always used to say a problem shared is a problem halfed) but I never say anything new. He says that he wants his old wife back...the one he married. He said she was fun, and loving, and cheery and liked to joke around. He said I havent been like that, and I told him it was because he cheated, and i told him that I wanted my old husband back..the one I married. The one who never cheated, and never used to yell at me, especially when I cried. he claims that he is the same person, and I am the one that has changed.
He said that if him and the slut have to work together...then they have to work together today. There isnt anything he can do now...he already texted his boss. I told him that when he says it like that its like it doesnt matter
He then went on to tell me that he doesnt know that he can go on like this. Constantly fighting and talking about the affair and it being rubbed in his face. He doesnt know if he wants to be with me anymore. He says that he loves me, and when I asked why he said because Im perfect. And he still claims that we are soulmates, but mentioned that soulmates dont be so mean like I am being to him. I replied that soulmates dont cheat. He said that we made two beautiful babies together, but he cant handle me being like this much longer. I told him that he is always trying to get an excuse to leave me. He said I was wrong, but I told him that he is always threatening me that he will leave. And I told him that he just wants to leave and be with someone else. He said that he wouldnt be with anyone else, and all he wants to do is raise our babies...and he wants to do that with me, but I have to forgive him. He asked why I loved him and I told him, but he said that if I really loved him like I say then I would forgive him. Love is about forgiveness. Marriage is about forgiveness. I told him marriage and love is also about honesty, and loyalty. He went on to say that he cant take it. He said that we both sacrificed a lot to be together and that it cant be all in vain. I think thats the only reason he is staying with me. he said the reason he cant take things anymore is that he never knows what type of mood I will be in. he says one day I could be fine, but the next I might be horrible and hurt and upset. He said he FEARS one of his co workers coming up to speak to us because he never knows what I will do or accuse him of.
I lied to him him and told him that I forgive him. But thats not true at all. To be honest I dont know if I will ever forgive him. I guess I dont want to lose him. I guess I dont want to be without him. So i told him I forgive him, so in his mind I will never mention the affair to him again.
I asked him for a hug and he said he wasnt sure that he wanted to hug me, and I asked him to tell me that he wouldnt leave me and he said he couldnt. But once I told him that I forgave him I guess he got better. He said we needed to go to bed.
So we went to bed, I didnt snuggle up to him, because lets face it why snuggle up to someone who promises you that they will never leave you but then every time you fight tells you that they might leave you...also who wants to snuggle to someone who didnt want a hug. So I laid there in bed with my back to him, neither of us said anything until WH said "thank you for loving me".
It didnt make me feel better.
So i couldnt sleep and just laid there. I am torn apart the person who is supposed to be my best friend isnt there for me, and blames me. He doesnt want to hear my feelings, and wants to be never bring up anything that makes him unhappy. So I pretend to be happy and that nothing bothers me,
I know that I am mentally unhealthy. I know this. And I feel alone, and I know that I need help, but sometimes I dont feel like I want help. I dont feel like myself anymore, and I feel hollow. I feel like I am to blame for everything, and the person that I once married is dead and no longer there. So I am left with this horribly sad loneliness. I feel like the only reason he stays with me is because of the kids and the sacrifices he made.
I know am mentally unhealthy. Yesterday I scraped my forearms with a fork. I know it sounds stupid right. But its not like he would care. I guess I dont feel like he would care if I got hurt. I feel like it would free him up of a lot of hassle. He told me to be a wife, and that means not being mean. And I told him that I was a wife, and did do things, like cook, clean, take care of the babies, give him back and foot rubs, and get his clothes for him. He told me to stop that. He didnt want me to do that. Maybe so I cant hold it over his head. Who knows. I dont do it for that reason...I do it because I like doing things for people I care about.