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How long did you feel nothingness

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HopePrayWait posted 7/9/2013 09:22 AM

WH came to me a week and a half ago and told me there had been one inappropriate text message between him and a volunteer he works with the last few months. He said she took it from 0-60 and began telling him how unhappy she was in her marriage and how she wanted him. He said he ended it, that he told her it was not appropriate and it wasn't fair to either spouse, but she kept after him. She eventually told someone who told someone and the rumors spread and it turns out he is essentially losing his job (whether based rumors or facts, I am not sure). That's was day one. I thought about it over night and didn't believe one inappropriate text (non sexual, he claimed- so how would it be inappropriate, a racial or sexist joke, rrrrright...). Of course nothing on his phone. So I asked him next morning if he wanted to say anything else, which he didn't, then I did message recovery on the iPhone I so lovingly got him at Easter....and he sat there watching me pull up 100s of messages he had deleted. Now I will say it really wasn't that many that were sexts and majority were work/volunteer related, but he also didn't mention pictures. I lost it. I yelled at him (in front of the kids, breaking one of my own most important rules) and told him to get out and don't come back, said he was a horrible father, the worst husband, etc. We spent a few days not talking and he stayed at a friends house. Not seeing him was taking its toll on my big kid and so when he asked if I wanted him to come back I said the kids would like it, but he slept in another room a week. In the meantime I checked the phone records to see how often they texted, when it began to pick up, when it ended, and it was the duration of just a few weeks. And he swears he never touched her, it was never more than a game to him, she was the one to say she wanted him and he said no we can't. Then she goes to compare adultery badges with some other cheating friends and has nothing but a few texts and so she states spreading lies about swinging and threesomes, etc. which get to the people above my husband and have to be investigated, hence him telling the boss his side, hence losing his job. He has already made efforts to do more around the house, start praying, sharing stories, being the spiritual leader in our home instead of always waiting for me to push it, has two IC this week, answers and verifies everything, asked him to get tested and he calmly asks if his word is not enough (it's not)says he will make the appointment then. Although i actually do not think there was any PA because he's only gone out twice without me this year and come home both times, and none of the texts mentioned future meeting up or referenced any sexual encounters. OW husband actually works(worked) for WH and called him before d-day, said he saw texts, said it had to stop, WH said I did but she keeps trying, OW husband said it was definitely not the first time she did this, asked WH to let him know if she got inappropriate again (they did still have some volunteer work they had to finish). WH told the people who work for him the truth before the rumors could get too far, I am talking to a few close friends about it. And so now we are just trying to move forward.... I have been reading here for a week, and am glad to see honest real advice. Two friends (their husbands also work with organization) have reached out and said they have had problems in their marriages, I am not alone. It takes work but can be better. Veryone keeps talking about this roller coaster and I feel almost nothing, a few bouts of rage and cried once, but mostly I can't describe how I feel, not indifferent not numb just kind of like nothing. Putting on fake smiles for kids and other friends....waiting for the days to be over but then I can't sleep. Thank you in advance for support.

confused615 posted 7/9/2013 10:14 AM

Im sorry...but the it sounds like ti was a PA...he is telling you about these "rumors" hoping you will buy his story.

You need to be tested for STD' does he.

It sounds like he gave you a very watered down version of the truth..and you didnt find anything more until you recovered his texts. So,he has no problem hiding things from you...and won't admit anything unless there is hard evidence.

My WH cheated on me....he was never late from work..always called during his breaks...never spent any time away from me,unless he was at work..and he works a set shift,same hours,every day. Never had any clue he was cheating...he was doing it during work..the 10 minutes he was late one night? Traffic. That's right..10 minutes was all it took.


unfound posted 7/9/2013 11:11 AM

welcome to SI hopepraywait .

that "nothingness" you feel is normal. sometimes it's call the plain of lethal flatness (more info on it can be found in the healing library, upper left corner link). it can be the brains way of going into survival mode, concentrating on the basics you need to do to get through the day. or even a "safe mode" when the emotions/thoughts are just too much to deal with at the time.

thing is, while the numbness (or lack of a better word, cause I know that doesn't quite describe it) can serve a purpose, it's not healthy to stay in that state for a long time. those emotions and feelings will still be there and it's best to try to deal with them, process them, experience them... even though they hurt and they suck.

chances are you'll start to "feel" sooner or later. be ready, it is a rollercoaster.

HopePrayWait posted 7/9/2013 15:41 PM

Confused, I hear what you are saying, I don't trust him, he's already arranged to be tested. However he did tell me some things- I bluffed on finding the photos to him (couldn't view even though I could see they existed) and he told me exactly what and how many, so that is one truth. Also, as I said he admitted it at work, that was to his guys he wanted to own it, since he knew he was probably to be let go, he wanted it to come from him. In his line of work there are formal investigations, statements, etc. and by his own admission more was substantiated than by others. So that is helpful too, that he admitted to inappropriate text/photo and no one even had proof of that little. And no one would have been protecting him since it was another guy's wife involved. So I am absolutely pressing him and waiting for more truths, but why would there not have been a single text on hooking up if they did in fact? They had all the photos there so it's not like they were keeping evidence off text.

Anyway I talked to some friends today and feel a little more myself again, and less like I'm hiding a gigantic secret. He has more IC and has started the job search. It sure rains when it pours.

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