(I am never sure which forum to post where I am at now. So, this is a duplicate post from one I put in the General forum.)
Dday was 11.25.12, so I am roughly 7 1/2 months out. First 7 months, devastating pain - first few months, it was all I saw. Doubled up on the floor kind of pain. Rageful anger. So angry, I didn't know what to do with it. Screaming at the top of my lungs in my car. Each moment of the day was filled of thoughts about him, her, the affair, wanting paybacks, not accepting that this has happened, that he was with the other woman. My body feeling like it had been slammed. The shock, the numbness, the devastation, the rage.
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that I didn't wake up with thoughts of him first thing in the morning. Triggers were getting a little bit better. Could start to listen to the radio again. Felt like I was starting to wake up a little bit. Started to take a genuine interest in others, not so sucked in by my own drama.
There are things that I am discovering now - that there is a reservoir of strength in me that I never knew existed. My greatest fear was that I would be alone, that I would be abandoned. Well, the universe gave me this opportunity to heal. I have not fallen apart. I have muddled through the past 7 1/2 months and have not fallen apart. There are moments when I feel a little anxious, I feel a little lost - like a ship that has lost it's anchor. But, maybe I wasn't meant to be anchored in that spot anymore, maybe I am meant to explore the open waters now. Brave the storm.
I have a freedom now that I am just starting to appreciate. I determine my destiny now. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I am not under his thumb any more. I am not on his time schedule anymore. I am not woken up in the middle of the night to rub his back when he can't sleep. I no longer walk on eggshells, trying to avoid his temper. I am not lied to. I am not deceived. My sole purpose on the planet is not to take care of him.
I am lonely at times, but have found out who my true friends are. I miss being held. I go down to the beach when I feel that hunger for touch and lie on the warm sand and feel the warmth of the sun and I feel better. Feels like the universe is embracing me.
There are times when I walk on the beach, my heart so heavy with grief and I have seen sea lions on the beach, I have never seen them here before. I feel like the universe is reminding me that I am not alone. Sounds dumb, but it makes me feel better.
I feel like I am ready to start to let go. To drop the heavy weight of grief and anger and to recover the person I am meant to be. I lost so much of myself in the marriage. Ignored my needs to focus on him. In many ways, I became a stranger to myself. I am discovering that I am strong, I am smart, I am capable, I am kind and I am a loving person. I prove this to myself every day.
I don't know if this is the calm in the midst of the storm, or if this is the new path for me.
Finally *Getting* that the affair was not my fault. It is him, his narcissism that caused this. I feel sorry for him because he will never know true happiness. He has moved on to his next victim and will repeat this behavior over and over again. What a shallow way to live life.....to only view people in terms of what are they going to give you, will they pay me attention 24/7, focus solely on me and satisfy my every need and whim. He will be forever trying to fill that hole inside him, forever trying to impress others, running around chasing the brass ring.
We have heart, we can love, we have compassion and can truly connect with another person. At the end of the day, when he is dead, he will have a slew of ex-wives, ex-lovers and step children that will spit on his grave, curse the day he came into their lives and be glad he is gone.
We will have people that will genuinely mourn us and who's hearts we have touched in a real and genuine way. Our life will be one lived in integrity and authenticity. Not a falsehood of using people, putting up a mask to the world. I am starting to realize that I am so much better off without him. As much as it hurts, I am free.
I know I still have ups and downs on this journey ahead, but I feel like I am finding myself.