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Worse each day

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Sam793 posted 7/9/2013 09:41 AM

My BW is spiralling down more each day. It's to the point that most of our conversations have the tone of hatred. I try and do everything for her but when it doesn't pan out she gets very angry. I'm not a mericle worker, I'm a human being. I don't purposely do things to make her upset. I don't try and make my issues more important and even try and ignore them so I can switch focus. I don't know if she's giving up or that its coming up to d day and she's getting more upset. Just when I thought either of us couldn't get any lower, it happens.

thecaves posted 7/9/2013 10:10 AM

I see some of the panic I had in you. You feel compelled to make her feel better and likely your mood tracks hers. I felt the same way, like I needed to be her miracle worker and bring her mood up. I feared that if she was on nothing but a downward slope for days or weeks that she needed me to help push the roller coaster up the next hill. I also felt very down because she was.

What you need to realize and learn to be comfortable with is that your BS needs to feel what they need to feel. Your need to control your BSs feelings will only put pressure on them. If she shows signs of wanting help then by all means help.

One of the things for her that has helped get out of the cycle was having something new we never did before any doing it on a schedule. In our case, it is a yoga class but we also considered other things like cooking class, etc. Something we didn't do before and that because of the schedule it more or less forces you to continue on with life.

Continuing on with life is also important for you. Just because she is sad does not mean you have to be too. I'm not saying to go jumping for joy and be all cheery around her, but just continue with your day yet be attentive to her needs.

heartbroken2012 posted 7/9/2013 14:25 PM

My WH says that about me. He says I seem to be getting worse rather than better.

I think we realize how badly we are hurt, and the impact of what our wayward spouse does and it hurts more.

Please dont be like my WH and tell me I HAVE to forgive him, and not ever talk about it ever or he will leave.

I know it sucks, but please be patient with your BS.

Jrazz posted 7/9/2013 14:31 PM

The first year is a tornado of emotion, and none of it is good.

Try to remember that she's not the one "making things worse." She's just an involuntary participant on the worst mental and physical roller coaster imaginable.

It's ok for you to feel worried or uncertain, but something that is critical to healing is that you be her rock. When she's angry, when she's sad, when she's scared... don't ask her WHY. It will be the same answer again and again. Hold her every day and tell her you're not going anywhere no matter what.

The first year, BS's are desperate for some kind of foundation. We want to trust you but we are suffering from betrayal and with that comes anger. It's not from left field, it's fallout from the affair and there's YEARS of that to sort through.

You don't have to perform miracles. You do have to get over being defensive. Right now, it's not about whether you're upsetting her purposely or not. She's hemorrhaging emotion. Just hold her, apologize, and tell her you love her.

Crazz did this for me and it helped slowly bring me out of the dark. I'm speaking from experience. You can do this.

hardlessons posted 7/9/2013 14:39 PM

Sam, one of you has to get off the roller coaster and it needs to be you. Regardless of whether she is up or down, there or not you have to maintain a perseverance that she can hold onto. That is why I keep hitting you with looking at you to fix your issues. You keep looking to her to gauge where your at and that will be the end of you. You have GOT to lead the way no matter what. You support as best you can and heal yourself one day at a time.

I can tell you that until you step up and lead the way this will continue.
Good luck

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