SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

fraeuken posted 7/9/2013 10:06 AM

I am heading home after 3.5 weeks of vacation bliss in Europe with DD10 and DD15.

I am so excited to go home and see SO, also named 'SilverFox'. We have talked almost every day and I have been thinking about him a lot and could jump out of my skin just thinking about him giving me that huge welcome hug and kiss he promised me.

But - a tiny little but - he has brought up our age difference, has told me that he feels insecure about it and wonders why I - as a 'young' woman - would want to date him. Where do I get started?

Well, he is mature, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel like a woman by the way he talks to me, treats me, dances with me, touches me. I greatly benefit from his experience , I love that he knows who he is and that he does not play games, he is financially secure, runs his own business, is social and kind, a loving father; he brought me back to church, loves to go on roadtrips which is one of my favorite things to do - and yes, he has a past that is not all sunshine and unicorns and he was upfront and shared that with me. It does not bother me, it has made him who he is today.

And - to be a little superficial - he is tall, slender, in great shape and in my eyes very handsome with his blue eyes, grey/white hair, tan skin and jeans and cowboy boots.

So when he told me his concerns, I just told him all that in so many words.

But I am wondering if there is anything else I should be mindful of. He knows my girls will take priority in my life until they have left the nest and are off to college; I was honest in telling him that I am not looking for a provider, a new daddy for my girls or a future husband. I actually was not looking at all and then he walked into my life and somehow our paths kept crossing and things just kept happening.

If any of you have been or are in a relationship with a significant enough age difference and you have any input or advice that you can share, please do.

Newlease posted 7/9/2013 10:17 AM

How large is the age difference?

I am 52 and my SO is 65. At first I shied away from him, thinking he was too old for me. But, this is the BEST man I have ever known. He fulfills me in so many ways.

I also have my eyes wide open. I realize that in the future, I will probably be a care taker. I just don't dwell on it. I am enjoying the present time so much and trying to ring all the joy out of this time.

He is young at heart. He loves to be out and about, he stays up to date on current technology, etc. In some respects he acts younger than me.

To me age is just a number. We are enjoying life together and not living in anticipation of what might happen in the future.

NL

[This message edited by Newlease at 10:18 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

fraeuken posted 7/9/2013 10:32 AM

We are 16 years apart. It is a lot on paper, I realize that. He was going off to the Navy when I was born....

I have various friends who have an age difference anywhere from 12 to 19 years. Most of them are actually second marriages for the older partner and all of them have been together for a long time and deal with stuff such as health issues as it happens. Looking at their relationships gives me hope that this could work.

In many ways this man is younger than my XH who was a year younger than me. SO plays music in a band and dances and travels rather than sitting around and playing video games all day long - he is physically very active through work and sports and reads a lot, and I mean, a lot, so even mentally I find him younger and more stimulating than XH who never picked up a book.

Thing is too, I am an old soul in many, many ways and I think that is really what he speaks to and that's why I feel so drawn to him. Besides the obvious physical attraction...

NaiveAgain posted 7/9/2013 14:50 PM

My SO is 20 years younger than me. We were best friends for a year, and I had him friend-zoned because of the age difference. But we get along so well, he is so kind, he is great at talking things thru. He makes me a priority, is a great companion, and our sex life is off the charts.....

I think around the age of 30....it starts becoming more about the individual person and how they live their lives as opposed to the age differences. We are on the same page as far as what we want from life. Physically, I am probably in better condition than he is because I've taken good care of myself my entire life and was blessed with good genetics. I also was very heavy into athletics most of my life. He is a bit more sedentary although we are trying to start exercise a bit more together...but who knows as far as the health stuff? I have had friends pass away in their 30's from health-related issues....

My thinking (which has changed) is that life has no guarantees, and if we were the same age, there are still no guarantees about who is going to outlive who and who is going to be healthier and who is going to want what 20 years from now....

We are both happy right now and looking towards a long future together. We love each other and we both show it in our words AND our actions. And if make each other happy and we are both adults, why should we not be together?

We have both talked about the "children" issue AND the "20 years from now, what will we each look like and what will our energy levels be, and what will we want to be doing?" Honestly, who knows? I didn't plan this 20 years ago. My plans don't generally work out. So we are just going day to day, with a long-term plan, and working hard to try to make it happen.

NaiveAgain posted 7/9/2013 14:56 PM

Oh hey, also...my BFF is about 17 years younger than her man. She is 48, he is 65. They have been together 6 years, got engaged last year, and are getting married in the Fall. I am so happy for the both of them! They are amazing together and truly love each other.

Sad in AZ posted 7/9/2013 15:10 PM

FWIW I don't consider a 16-year difference a May-December relationship. If he were 75 and you were 30, that would be different, but 16 years among adults is nothing.

gma56 posted 7/9/2013 15:11 PM

FT and I had 17 yrs difference in age. The age wasn't ever a problem with us but his intergrity at the end of our marriage was a deal breaker.
We were together and married a total of 30 yrs at the time of our divorce. 2nd marriage for both of us.
I don't think our problems were much different than any other couple's.
No regrets about the age but wish I paid attention more to the flags flying before marriage that had nothing to do with his age.
Gma

gardenparty posted 7/9/2013 18:30 PM

I am 21 years older than my SO. We hit a few major bumps in the last six months, more to do with how we are spending our free time than anything else. I work a lot, have already raised 2 children and put them through university, volunteered for years so now in my free time I want to relax, putter around my house, spend a bit more time cooking a decent meal. He does side jobs, volunteers and of course all his friends and family are here. I am not sure if that is age related or not but it has become an issue for us.

He had a hard time convincing me at the beginning that we had potential as a couple. We were friends and co-workers for 3 years before we started dating, dated exclusive for a year and have been living together for 2 years so 6 years total. For the most part it has been amazing but we have both had to make sacrifices in order to maintain the relationship.

kernel posted 7/9/2013 18:41 PM

My sister is 17 years younger than her husband. They've been quite happily married for 20 years. I agree with this:

My thinking (which has changed) is that life has no guarantees, and if we were the same age, there are still no guarantees about who is going to outlive who and who is going to be healthier and who is going to want what 20 years from now....

Did he say specifically what his worries were with the age difference? I think it would help to know exactly what his worry is, not just general age difference. For instance, is he concerned about you straying as soon as a younger man looks at you sideways? I'm not saying that's the case, only an example. If that was his worry, then you would know how to respond to it.

fraeuken posted 7/10/2013 14:10 PM

Thank you all for your input, I truly appreciate it and it gives me hope that this can work, given no real red flags arise over time.

I am sitting on the East Coast for a layover on our return travel from Europe and know that in approximately 8 - 9 hours I will see him. And that we will have quite a bit of alone time the next few weeks as my DDs will be traveling with their father as of next week. SO and I are planning a short trip to Yosemite just to get away and then he offered to help me with all my home and garden improvement projects I want to complete before my best friend from Germany visits me with her daugther later in August.

I am really curious to see how we will handle spending so much time together, work together on projects and just be around each other a lot. I am excited and very optimistic

pointmagnet posted 7/11/2013 07:03 AM

My SO is 18 years younger than me, but it really doesn't matter. Our youngest kids are about the same age (I started late, she started early) so we have quite a bit in common. A little age difference is no big deal.

OnceInALifetime posted 7/11/2013 07:51 AM

This is an interesting topic to me. I would have the same concerns as he does. For me, it's simple: I don't want to feel like the Crypt Thing next to my date. Even if she said she thought I was so handsome, *I* wouldn't feel handsome when the age difference was so apparent.

I know wrinkles and gray hair don't phase some people, but I'd still feel like things weren't even, if that makes sense. Growing older can be a difficult thing to accept. Having a partner much younger, who is not also going through that, would be, in my book, something rather important that we do *not* have in common. The difference would only intensify any stress I felt about aging.

I also wouldn't feel right about me being the one to really decline well before her. That's a lot of quality time to ask a partner to sacrifice.

For me, more than 7 years difference is pushing things. But that's me. Others really do seem to believe that age is just a number.

fraeuken posted 7/11/2013 13:07 PM

He never voiced a specific concern, he just told me he was asking himself 'why' I would want to be with him given our age difference and difference in where we are in life, given that I could be with a much younger man who could give me a different future. I did think at one point he was worried about the physical aspect of our relationship as well by the way he tried to 'explain' things to me. He has not been seeing anybody for two years and he told me that he just decided to 'shut it all down' and not to deal with any drama anymore. He said he was tired of getting hurt and just as he stepped into my life by total surprise, I did step into his and made him reconsider that path he was on. I know it took him a while to understand that my intentions are true.

OnceInALiftime, thank you for your post. It gave me some stuff to think about and understand his perspective better. I know he ramped up his time at the gym and I am wondering if that has anything to do with his self-image and wanting to have a younger, stronger appearance. But, and I told him this, even as a younger woman I have my insecurities. There are many women closer to his age who are very attractive, who are taller than me, skinnier than me, prettier than me, more experienced sexually than me and who says that he might not prefer that over a me, a mom with 2 girls who will always come first and will take up a lot of my time? I think it goes both ways.

All that said, the passion I have with this man is beyond anything I ever experienced, and the age difference does not show; he actually tires me out. And to my surprise there are things that I never was in favor of in the past or simply did not care to do, that come completely natural with him. Wrinkles or not, it does not matter. And the more I learn about him the more I realize why I feel this emotional connection aside from the physical attraction; in the fundamental things we are very, very similar.

I think I am in for the ride

[This message edited by fraeuken at 1:07 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

CheaterMagnet posted 7/11/2013 20:04 PM

prettier than me,

I have seen you and this just is. not. possible.

You my dear, are GORGEOUS!

kernel posted 7/12/2013 21:39 PM

slight t/j: Your happiness in this relationship just shines through this whole thread. It's so sweet and makes me smile. You go, girl!