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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: to know or not to know
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ 37664
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has been open and transperent since D day . This is good but I still have this desire to know more about the A'ers . Our MC cautions me about getting to many details because I will create a full awary of new triggers to deal with . The problem is I have very little information about the A'ers. TT is a understatement in my life . Have any of you received information from your WS that you regert getting ?


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
PrincessPeach06
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not yet, I find that even if I think I don't want to know the answer it will eat and eat and eat at me until I ask. Somehow even when it's something I don't want to hear I feel better - like I can now process it and not just wonder.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
cdnmommy
♀ 30182
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, and I can't imagine any piece of information that I wouldn't be better off knowing. It is possible something new now could end the marriage, but I would still want to know.

There were some times early on when FWH had "truth diarrhea" when, rather than just giving me the facts, he editorialized. I could have done without that, but that wasn't truth as much as it was him using me as a sounding board for things that would have been better discussed with his IC until he had examined it better.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1790 | Registered: Nov 2010
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in retrospect, yes there are things I wish I hadn't asked and gotten answers to. there were also things I struggled with asking/wanting to know. I came the the conclusion (with some help from some great friends here) that 1- if I didn't think I was going to get the truth, don't ask. 2- was the answer to my questions/information, no matter how bad, a deal breaker for our R? if it was, I'd ask. if not, I'd put it aside for possible later conversations. 3- was I asking for a truthful answer or was I asking for actual information?* 4- was I in an emotional place where I could handle (in a healthy way) the answers I might get?

the regretful things were more the details of the A. I'm a grown ass woman, I know how sex works.. I didn't need details.

*sometimes asking questions/getting information was more about his willingness to answer things, not so much the importance of the information.

if you have questions, ask. if you're not sure if you want to know the answers, write them down. you can always go back to them. I'd start out with broad general questions then whittle them down to specifics. most times, I wouldn't get far cause, to me, at the time, it wasn't imperative to the here and now or the details weren't deal breakers.

just remember that you can't unring a bell. a lot of what I asked was during periods of intense, supervised counseling to assure healthy communication. then again, early on, there was a lot of knee jerk rapid fire daily double lightning round questioning too... in hindsight, I'd recommend the first, or at least when you're in a good (?) place with good communications skills before getting nitty gritty stuff... jm2c .


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14877 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
jjsr
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted answers and got them. Some of them were hard to take. I think knowledge is power.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1667 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
TheClimb
♀ 25895
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a good question. I believe it is unfair that you don't feel you have the truth. You have a right to know what was happening in your marriage. But, I also agree with some of the responses that you received. We all know what happened when they were alone... I don't need someone to draw me a picture.

Personally, the one thing I didn't want to see was the video from my PI. It is in his safe; not even my attorney has seen it. I am a visual person; I don't know how well I would have handled truly "seeing" it. Especially when they were at my home. The funny thing is, on DD#2, I showed up at their love shack... walked right into the house and called for my husband. I don't trigger about that at all. But seeing them in my house.... I don't think I could deal with that.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as I know everything, then I somehow believe an arbitrary monster won't run out and grab me unexpectedly. I don't know everything as yet.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
doesitgetbetter
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked every detail of every kind and got all the answers that I've ever asked for. I am so glad that I did. Did the answers hurt? Yes. Did they pale in comparison to what I thought? Yes. Were some worse? Yes. Would I do it the same way all over again if given the chance to change anything? Yes, I would do it just the same way.

The details helped me gain many things back that I THOUGHT I had lost to his A's. The discussions also helped us grow closer, there were no longer ANY secrets between us and that was important to me.

So, painful, yes, regret, no.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing everything will impact my decision. For me, maybe not others, purposely not knowing would be rugs weeping...
I know I don't have all the truth. How could I? Next time I see the OW, I'm thinking of asking them a question. Maybe.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5772 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
lostworld
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'd say I'm glad I got the information/truth, but I both hate and regret what the information/truth was.

I've also come to learn that the truth can seem to change; I don't mean that actual events change, but that emotional states and thoughts change, and trying to pin down some of those types of issues is like nailing jello to a wall. Perception does change, and figuring out when it changed, and the legitimacy of it both before and after the change, has proven pretty "squishy" for me.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 821 | Registered: Apr 2008
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ 37664
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the response ! Does it get better and climb that's good advise about "no secerts" I liked so very sad reference to a "monster". So. True I don't want to get blind sighted by something my ws didn't tell me . What unfound wrote " WS willingness to answer " this really hit home for me . Right now I'm in the dark and I suspect a few freinds as possible OM .Thanks for the great input I plan on bringing up these topic in our next MC meeting .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to throw in my two cents.

I wanted, and I truly think got, everything, and was one for whom the truth was better than my imaginings.

Now I feel that I know all the dirty little secrets about OW and the A, none of which are flattering. She no longer "shares" that with my H. I know how he truly felt. I now pity her. She, otoh, knows nothing about me or our reality.

I also have found that the "truth" changes as my H becomes more self aware. Early on when I asked him why he would leave right after screwing her he said something vague. Recently I asked again and he said,, ashamedly, "because I didn't like her." He realizes more all the time how toxic and pathologic it was. I fact, our new name for it, since it doesn't deserve "affair" is Muual Fuckedupness.

I don't regret anything I found out. My H and I now share this. But our stories all vary.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1845 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 12

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