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Officially in Limboland

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Blameitontherain posted 7/9/2013 13:37 PM

After having a very serious talk with WH, he absolutely refuses IC. He says his past(childhood) is his past and has nothing to do with who he is now. He has closed that chapter and he wouldn't be who he is today if it wasn't for it. I say the anger, control issues, selfishness is rooted in the the way he learned how to cope in his childhood. But nope apparently he learned all that magically when he turned 18 and was out of the house.

I then suggested IC to find out the why to his affair. I have been asking since I found out. I have been patient. I know that I will never feel safe until there is some knowledge as to how it all went down. Nothing will make it ok but not knowing is more dangerous. His response... You think there has to be a reason why I did what I did. There is no reason. People have affairs to have affairs. I called bullshit. If everyone had affairs, people wouldn't get married. Hell if everyone could have an affair for no reason, then I should have had one too by now.

I said you are too scared to look at yourself. Too scared to examine your own faults. Too scared to let another person see what you try and hide deep down inside of you. Too scared to have another person judge him. Hiding himself is more important than saving his marriage, helping me, and keeping the family in tact

I don't see the point in MC. Two damaged people trying to develop a healthy relationship together will not work unless they make themselves healthy first. My IC gave me a general warning that my marriage may not survive me becoming healthy and stronger. By taking the steps in IC, I am changing the dynamics in our relationship. It won't be the same dysfunctional dance that has gotten us to 11 years. I don't know what to think other than I am trying my best for myself, kids, and marriage. I only wish he would do his best too. I can not say I am In R when WH refuses to examine himself and how made the destructive decisions he did. I am in limbo until I am stronger or can't take anymore.

TrustGone posted 7/9/2013 13:56 PM

I am sitting right there with you and know exactly what you are feeling. My WH#2 refused IC after DDay#1, but then went to 3 sessions after DDay#2 (or at least I think he did)then refused to go back. He said he told IC everything he had to say and didn't have anything else to discuss with him. His affair last 3yrs, but he cured himself in 3 hours . The truth is they don't want to face their brokeness. They are cowards and very selfish people. It is hard to make a marriage work with someone like this and real R is not going to happen until they face their own demons.

Blameitontherain posted 7/9/2013 15:53 PM

It sucks doesn't it trust gone? You can see so clearly the path that needs to be taken. You know it is the only way that you will feel comfortable accepting them fully back into the marriage. But what happens...they still think they know what is best. They know the right path. That same thinking is what helped them get into an affair in the first place. Why would I ever trust that way of thinking? It is broken. It needs fixed but still they know best. Selfish to the tenth degree. Even after all the pain and hurt that has been witness, they still think in terms of "I" .

ElectricBlue posted 7/9/2013 17:42 PM

Just wanted to add my support, I know how that goes, my WH says the exact same things while refusing any kind of counseling. He needs it but he won't admit there's anything wrong to talk about.

I live in Limboland, too. It's excrutiating at first but you do get used to it.

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