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Rant about my crazy codependent mother!

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rumorhasit posted 7/9/2013 15:11 PM

I am disabled (joint problems and fibromyalgia. Double ankle sugeries, its a whole other post...) I was not married, and had just gotten my associates degree when I got pregnant. I have never moved out. I live with my parents. I cannot afford to move out (X actually used that to try to get me back last time, that without him I could never move out. Asshole.)

That being said, my mother is insane. Or something. Always has been. Growing up, she would take offense at the littlest things. She would use the silent treatment. Get impatient with me and ask "are you just stupid?" She was verbally abusive. She didn't cuss, but she was negative. I wasnt allowed to be mad. That was reserved for her. My father, who is otherwise amazing, never spoke up. Never defended me or my sister. And if we fought back to my mother, he spoke up for her, we were not to speak to our mother that way. If she was in a bad mood I would pretend to be sick or cry. I had to be weak, then maybe she would be nice.
Which isnt to say she was always horrible. She was a supportive, involved, super mom type. We were well cared for, always looked nice. From the outside she seemed great. And she was normal like half the time.
I always feel like she acted like an alcoholic but without the alcohol. She would just be crazy and mean.
I blame her for my hypervigilance. I am the most jumpy person I know. I think its from years of being afraid of her.

Fast forward to today. I am an adult, so things are different. I am diplomatic. I try to manage her. She is often fine. As long as I am doing things she agrees with. I dont know why she is easy going and nice and then cranky and negative and bitchy. She can be in a bad mood for no reason, and not even admit shes cranky.

Heres a list of behaviors-

She is super sensitive. Others are always rude or thoughtless. I have to apologize 20 times a day for stupid shit.

She is paranoid. If I didn't answer her call, it was on purpose, not because I didn't hear my phone.

She is never wrong. Or if she must be, she is melodramatic about it.

She must influence or control you. God forbid you make a decision without asking her opinion. Oh, and agreeing with her.

She is a backseat parenter. She makes constant "suggestions" for how I could parent better. Its like a daily running commentary.

She has trouble following conversations. Accuses everyone of talking in circles.

Has memory issues "That isn't what you told me!" (Yes, it is...)

Starts arguments. If you respond, says you are starting an argument.

Makes everything about her. IE- something bad happens to grandma, mom says she knew that would happen but didn't speak up because no one likes her wahhhh

Is pushy as hell. She offers something. You say no thank you. She says no, really. You say no thank you. She continues like maybe you just don't understand, let her explain. You say no, thats okay. She pushes. You say "I said no!" She gets huffy and offended.

Guilt trips my two year old when he ignores her or won't talk to her. Pooooor grandma.

Is never happy about things. Complains constantly.

Passive aggressive "what? I didn't say it like that."

No one acknowledges any of this to her. Among ourselves we know she is nuts and projects that onto whoever. We tell each other later "you're not crazy, you were calm and reasonable, it was her." I wonder how I might be different if my father had given me that validation as a child. Whatever, he gives it now.

I am tired of sweeping this shit under the rug! I want to be up front, this is NOT me, its YOU. Trying to placate her and deal with it is going to kill me.

I've been VERY codependent with her, I own that. I am trying for some space and detachment. IC is helping. But I'm losing it anyway.

Thanks for listening.

SoVerySadNow posted 7/9/2013 15:34 PM

Maybe she has NPD?

rumorhasit posted 7/9/2013 15:59 PM

No idea but I havent eaten all day because I don't want to go out there.

rumorhasit posted 7/9/2013 16:12 PM

She's asleep. I sneaked to the kitchen and got oreos and a water bottle. My dad and son will be home soon, that'll diffuse the tension. Sigh...

Tesa posted 7/9/2013 16:13 PM

Was one of her parents an alcoholic, by chance? She seems to exhibit signs of a child of an alcoholic.

rumorhasit posted 7/9/2013 16:22 PM

Oh, yes. Her mom drank and did drugs, then died of a sleeping pill overdose when my mom was eleven. She and her younger sister were raised by her grandparents after that. I've always been quite proud of her, really... she gave me and my sister the stable life she never had. Not everyone can avoid following the horrible example they are given in childhood.

wtf2 posted 7/10/2013 00:10 AM

I don't have much to say except that I'm sorry you're stuck in such a horrible situation. My mom is about a quarter of the crazy your mom seem to be and I moved half way around the world.

I hope IC will help. I know it's possible to mentally detach.

The one thing I would like to urge you is to not let her do it to your son. You said she was guilt tripping him, that would be when you put your foot down.

Good luck.

rumorhasit posted 7/10/2013 00:15 AM


I tried to smooth things over with Her Royal Highness and apologized for losing my temper. And she's all "well I'll just stay out of the way and if you need my help you can ask." Poor grandma being pushed to the side!

Does it always have to be an extreme like that? and all guilt trippy? UGH!

I did what I could. Now I have to do what my therapist says and "put her in The Dome!" (Referencing that new show Under the Dome lol)

itainteasy posted 7/10/2013 07:33 AM

Sounds exactly like my mother.

It's crazy making.

m334455 posted 7/10/2013 09:54 AM

My mom is a real piece of work too. I go to IC (for other issues) and spoke about her for a half an hour, one time, in 8 years of IC. Why so little? Because my IC summed it up best: she's not going to change and the less time you spend with her or talking to her the happier you will be.

I think you need to find a way to be independent despite your disabilities. That's your best path to happiness.

Tesa posted 7/10/2013 10:15 AM

Yep, sounds a lot like my mom too at times. My grandmother was a raging alcoholic and my mom ran away from home when she was 17 to be with my father. She slept on my father's commanding officer's couch until she turned 18 and they could marry. My parents were married for 42 years before my father passed away from colon cancer 3 years ago.

My mother was struggled to overcome my father's death. 42 years is a long time to just move on from. She now lives with me, my husband, and our blended family of 5 children. I never really noticed my mother's behavior until she moved in. Now, I see it every day and Iíve spent some time in IC learning to understand how her behavior and how I was raised affects my life and marriage now. Through IC, like you, Iím learning to overcome codependent behavior. I love my mother and despite her faults, she is a good mom. We all have faults. There are several good books to read about alcoholic children: Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz.

GonnaGetThru posted 7/10/2013 11:47 AM

Oh my gawd, this is my mom too. My mom is an addict/alcoholic/child of alcoholic, the whole nine yards. Trying to cut ties, too. I see her repeating the same patterns I grew up with, with my kids. I'm like "hell no!!" Time to break the cycle.

solus sto posted 7/10/2013 11:50 AM

I think you need to find a way to be independent despite your disabilities. That's your best path to happiness.
I couldn't agree more.

The first step to this might be to find a top-notch pain specialist. I can't tell you the difference this made in my life.

You can choose to passively live life with the label "disabled," or you can find alternatives so that your kids do not have to be subjected to the toxicity that has polluted your life and now pollutes theirs.

(Before your hackles get raised, please understand that I am posting as a woman with serious and long-term chronic pain issues. I do understand.)

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