I found ultrasound pics of OC that she texted to him that he had not told me about. I waited a couple of days and confronted him. He said he called her ONLY to get due date and info on OC. I told him that NC means ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT and that If I found out about broken NC again that I was DONE. He understands and agrees that he can and will do this.
But after that situation occurred, I blocked her from everything, phone, email, FB, everything that I could think of. Now I am starting to think that wasn't the right thing. I don't think he will contact her unless she provokes him the "baby news/issues" so my decision was based on that if she doesn't contact him, I won't have to worry about it. But maybe I do need to know if he WOULD contact her. Should I unblock her and follow closely? I sort of feel like I am protecting him from bring manipulated by her and her baby BS b/c she knows that will get his attention. But maybe I am protecting myself instead. I am sure that she would find another way to reach him if she really wanted too.
Advice, thoughts, encouragement welcome from all.
OW had a baby. We do not know if my H is the father.
Together: 16 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 11, 6, 3
Limbo 2 + years after dday
All I can share is my own personal view on 'blocking.' I wanted my WH to go NC on his own accord. Because he knew it was right. Because I was his priority. I didn't want to get into a babysitting/policing situation. Did I expect transparency? Yes. Did I expect to be able to look through the phone, etc.? Yes. That's transparency. But I didn't want to block him from all opportunity to fuck up because, frankly, I wanted to know he was capable of not fucking up. I wouldn't have wanted to protect him from supposed manipulation because, he should be self-protecting. And I never thought OW was a manipulator any more than he was. However, I was also in a situation where he worked with her for about a month after D-Day. I wasn't going to be able to block that, so I just gave the whole rope to see if he would hang himself or not.
So, I wouldn't have done what you did. Having said that, a potential OC is a terribly confusing and sensitive situation. If it helps you to rest more easily having blocked everything, then that is what is important. I hope someone else can come along and balance out my approach since I know it isn't the only one.
I also know there are threads in ICR about OC. Even though you don't know yet, they may be able to offer a lot of wisdom about dealing with the OW during this time.
the day I saw those pics on his phone was absolutely gut wrenching. In the subject line was "our baby".
I was torn between blocking for the exact reasons you said. I want HIM to take responsibility for NC. Not me. but I think he feels guilty b/c she is pregnant, and she will use that for as long as she can. I am not even sure it is true. They had been having sex for 4 years (gag) and wouldn't you know that the very last time before he broke it off with her she gets pregnant. IMO if she IS she did it on purpose to try and keep him. And she was f****** a married man with no protection. What do you expect to happen?
This situation is making it so much harder to R. It doesn't change what he did but lack of an OC would be a much more pleasant place to start. Ugh.
Get an attorney to be your mediator in the OC situation. The attorney can write the letters regarding notification of the birth and the subsequent paternity testing can go through the attorney also. There is no need for your WH to be in contact with the OW or the OC until a visitation plan can be worked out. I highly recommend that visitation occur on neutral territory with OW bringing OC to you and you bringing OC to your WH.
I wish you good luck for the future! Sounds like OW is doing some "claiming" of your WH, at least in the baby dept.
You need an attorney handling all contact with her from now,. Another dose of reality...they are not going to be a " family". If there is any contact with the oc it will either be handled through you or the attorney. Your husband should have zero and I mean Zero contact with her again.
You need an attorney handling all contact with her from now,. Another dose of reality...they are not going to be a " family"
LTL - this makes a lot of sense to me.