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why do I keep messing things up, why do I keep lying.

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July73 posted 7/9/2013 15:38 PM

It has been awhile since I have posted on here. Things were actually starting to look up for me and my BW. I have been working really hard on myself, but apparently not hard enough. I have been in IC I am trying to read books, reading is not my strong suit but i try. I have been reading a lot in here and trying to apply it as best I can.

I have really messed up again. On 2 separate ocassions, I clicked on AP FB page, I closed it immediately both times. I am not sure why I did this. I was doing an unrelated search both times, I have no intention of contacting AP ever again. The thing is I never told my BW, and she found it in my history. When she confronted me I instantly went back to my old ways and lied initially. I then did come clean and told her what I did. Problem is all the work I have been doing as far as being authentic, working on not lying anymore is probably damaged for good. It sometimes feels like I am deliberately sabotaging myself. Even though I don't think I am intentionally. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve her, and I am subconciously do it.

I just feel awful for what I have done and no one to blame but me. Please hit me hard with the 2x4's

hardlessons posted 7/9/2013 15:43 PM

So what are you going to do different this time in R? Asking for 2x4's isn't going to help

Deeply Scared posted 7/9/2013 15:47 PM

Please hit me hard with the 2x4's

Please do not encourage 2x4's in this forum, it makes it impossible for us to moderate fairly.

July73 posted 7/9/2013 15:51 PM

Well if there is even R in the picture, I have to dig deeper into what makes me lie. Some of may be confrontation avoidance, not wanting to keep hurting my BW. But I seem to do that well.
The 2x4's were for the clicking on AP's FB.

hardlessons posted 7/9/2013 15:52 PM

Ok, so what are you going to dig into? Are you willing to do this if R isn't on the table?

July73 posted 7/9/2013 15:52 PM

Okay no 2x4's. I just need help.

Trying33 posted 7/9/2013 15:59 PM

Think about what made you click on AP's FB page. What was going through your mind? Why did you feel compelled to do it?

Were you bored? Lonely? Curious? Force of habit?

If you can get to the bottom of why you felt the need to check her page, perhaps you can eliminate the need to lie about things?

Just a thought...

July73 posted 7/9/2013 15:59 PM

Hardlessons... Yes I need to do this for myself even if R is not offered. Like I said I need to figure out why it easier to lie.
Why lying seems to better that hurting my wife. I know and can see lying is some of the reason I am where i am, but I just can't seem to apply it in my marriage. I see what I am doing at times but seem powerless to stop.

hardlessons posted 7/9/2013 16:01 PM

not wanting to keep hurting my BW

That is common and I did that as well. What helped me is to not be what George "W" would call the "decider". I don't decide what will hurt or not hurt my BS. Coming to grips with that makes it much easier to communicate. I am responsible for my words, actions etc. hers are hers.

July73 posted 7/9/2013 16:03 PM

Trying33... I was lonely and bored. I never made a conscious effort to search for AP. Her name came while searching someone else and I clicked on hers. I immediately said to myself, this is wrong and closed it.

hardlessons posted 7/9/2013 16:05 PM

I see what I am doing at times but seem powerless to stop.

Been there too. That is the same I would get because the only tool I had was me... IC, reading and digging into why I react or feel or am motivated by things so I can add healthy tools and coping mechanisms so I can use those instead of my old one.

July73 posted 7/9/2013 16:07 PM

Hardlessons... that is very helpful. I have been so worried about hurting her, that I forgot to let her decide what will hurt her and what won't. Thank you.

LosferWords posted 7/9/2013 16:12 PM

Her name came while searching someone else and I clicked on hers.

Why is your AP not blocked?

July73 posted 7/9/2013 16:14 PM

Part of my Problem is I have been lying to my BW for so long, I was doing well with it, very well. Just wish I could have told her when I clicked her FB. Or at least just told her straight up when she confronted me. She just starting to say some trust was returning. I broke that in seconds.

July73 posted 7/9/2013 16:17 PM

Losferwords... good question. I will get on that pronto. I guess just never though about it, there has been NC and her name never came up before.

LosferWords posted 7/9/2013 16:18 PM

Thing is, you have to click on her on FB to block her. You may want to do that with your wife present, or even have your wife log in to your account and do it for you.

Trying33 posted 7/9/2013 16:20 PM

I was lonely and bored. I never made a conscious effort to search for AP. Her name came while searching someone else and I clicked on hers. I immediately

The instinct to click is what needs to be controlled. Be more conscious and mindful of your actions when it comes to xAP. Keep telling yourself it's hurtful to your wife and to you.

It's an irrelevant exercise and who cares what's written on her page? Why do you think you even wanted to know?

Even though you say you have no intention of ever contacting her again, your BW doesn't know that. For all she knows, you're pining for xAP and that's why you're trying to check what she's doing.

Also, what other things can you do when you feel lonely or bored? How can you stop this from happening again? And if it does, could you tell BW about it and explain why and how it happened and show remorse for it?

July73 posted 7/9/2013 16:28 PM

Losferwords... Yeah, i will get my wife to do it or at least we can do it together. Could help her see I don't want any contact from xAP

July73 posted 7/9/2013 16:31 PM

Trying33... Yes you are right on all accounts. I need to be stronger, not only for myself but for my wife as well.

hardlessons posted 7/9/2013 16:34 PM

Her name came while searching someone else and I clicked on hers. I immediately said to myself, this is wrong and closed it.

One time could be an accident, I get that, but twice? Why did you do it a second time? Other than to see the latest and greatest?

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