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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: why do I keep messing things up, why do I keep lying.
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been awhile since I have posted on here. Things were actually starting to look up for me and my BW. I have been working really hard on myself, but apparently not hard enough. I have been in IC I am trying to read books, reading is not my strong suit but i try. I have been reading a lot in here and trying to apply it as best I can.

I have really messed up again. On 2 separate ocassions, I clicked on AP FB page, I closed it immediately both times. I am not sure why I did this. I was doing an unrelated search both times, I have no intention of contacting AP ever again. The thing is I never told my BW, and she found it in my history. When she confronted me I instantly went back to my old ways and lied initially. I then did come clean and told her what I did. Problem is all the work I have been doing as far as being authentic, working on not lying anymore is probably damaged for good. It sometimes feels like I am deliberately sabotaging myself. Even though I don't think I am intentionally. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve her, and I am subconciously do it.

I just feel awful for what I have done and no one to blame but me. Please hit me hard with the 2x4's


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
hardlessons
♂ 35025
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what are you going to do different this time in R? Asking for 2x4's isn't going to help


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please hit me hard with the 2x4's

Please do not encourage 2x4's in this forum, it makes it impossible for us to moderate fairly.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199177 | Registered: May 2002
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well if there is even R in the picture, I have to dig deeper into what makes me lie. Some of may be confrontation avoidance, not wanting to keep hurting my BW. But I seem to do that well.
The 2x4's were for the clicking on AP's FB.


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
hardlessons
♂ 35025
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so what are you going to dig into? Are you willing to do this if R isn't on the table?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay no 2x4's. I just need help.


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about what made you click on AP's FB page. What was going through your mind? Why did you feel compelled to do it?

Were you bored? Lonely? Curious? Force of habit?

If you can get to the bottom of why you felt the need to check her page, perhaps you can eliminate the need to lie about things?

Just a thought...


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hardlessons... Yes I need to do this for myself even if R is not offered. Like I said I need to figure out why it easier to lie.
Why lying seems to better that hurting my wife. I know and can see lying is some of the reason I am where i am, but I just can't seem to apply it in my marriage. I see what I am doing at times but seem powerless to stop.


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
hardlessons
♂ 35025
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not wanting to keep hurting my BW

That is common and I did that as well. What helped me is to not be what George "W" would call the "decider". I don't decide what will hurt or not hurt my BS. Coming to grips with that makes it much easier to communicate. I am responsible for my words, actions etc. hers are hers.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying33... I was lonely and bored. I never made a conscious effort to search for AP. Her name came while searching someone else and I clicked on hers. I immediately said to myself, this is wrong and closed it.


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
hardlessons
♂ 35025
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see what I am doing at times but seem powerless to stop.

Been there too. That is the same I would get because the only tool I had was me... IC, reading and digging into why I react or feel or am motivated by things so I can add healthy tools and coping mechanisms so I can use those instead of my old one.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hardlessons... that is very helpful. I have been so worried about hurting her, that I forgot to let her decide what will hurt her and what won't. Thank you.


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her name came while searching someone else and I clicked on hers.

Why is your AP not blocked?


Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy-maker in the world. I'm a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins!

Posts: 8245 | Registered: Dec 2010
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of my Problem is I have been lying to my BW for so long, I was doing well with it, very well. Just wish I could have told her when I clicked her FB. Or at least just told her straight up when she confronted me. She just starting to say some trust was returning. I broke that in seconds.


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losferwords... good question. I will get on that pronto. I guess just never though about it, there has been NC and her name never came up before.


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thing is, you have to click on her on FB to block her. You may want to do that with your wife present, or even have your wife log in to your account and do it for you.


Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy-maker in the world. I'm a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins!

Posts: 8245 | Registered: Dec 2010
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was lonely and bored. I never made a conscious effort to search for AP. Her name came while searching someone else and I clicked on hers. I immediately

The instinct to click is what needs to be controlled. Be more conscious and mindful of your actions when it comes to xAP. Keep telling yourself it's hurtful to your wife and to you.

It's an irrelevant exercise and who cares what's written on her page? Why do you think you even wanted to know?

Even though you say you have no intention of ever contacting her again, your BW doesn't know that. For all she knows, you're pining for xAP and that's why you're trying to check what she's doing.

Also, what other things can you do when you feel lonely or bored? How can you stop this from happening again? And if it does, could you tell BW about it and explain why and how it happened and show remorse for it?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losferwords... Yeah, i will get my wife to do it or at least we can do it together. Could help her see I don't want any contact from xAP


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
July73
♂ 37426
Member # 37426
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying33... Yes you are right on all accounts. I need to be stronger, not only for myself but for my wife as well.


WH Me 41
BW 39
M 18 yrs.
LTA 1.5 yrs.
D-day Sept 21,2012. Worst day of my life... can not imagine how it must have been for my loving wife. I am so sorry.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Alberta,Canada
hardlessons
♂ 35025
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her name came while searching someone else and I clicked on hers. I immediately said to myself, this is wrong and closed it.

One time could be an accident, I get that, but twice? Why did you do it a second time? Other than to see the latest and greatest?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 42
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