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WH won't give me access to email

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spiritfox posted 7/9/2013 15:43 PM

Today I got up the courage to ask for access to WH's email and Facebook. He has 2-step authentication on both (thanks to my paranoia over security, not his), so I can't access them without his approval.

He emailed me back saying that his first reaction was anger, and an outright "no", but that after talking to his therapist he is "willing to discuss it". Apparently she also suggested that I could offer something in return.

What the heck do I say to this? I'm not the one that kept a giant secret for most of our marriage. What claims to privacy can he make right now?

Furthermore, he's always had a tendency to clean out his inbox and trash can on a regular basis. He's always claimed that this is due to his OCD tendencies, but I don't know if I believe that anymore. Email, text, and Facebook were the primary ways that he was continuing communication with his OW.

What can I do?

[This message edited by spiritfox at 3:44 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 7/9/2013 15:58 PM

What you can do is explain that this is a condition of R for you. This isn't up for negotiation.

He betrayed you and if he truly wants to work on your marriage then he needs to do whatever it is for you to feel safe.

(((gently))Please note however, that if he wants to there are other ways to communicate with the OW. Fake email accounts, track phones, etc.

Liars and cheaters get very creative.

Bigger question is how he is behaving to you regarding R?

Does he understand what he's done and take ownership for it?

Sounds as if he is still a bit in the fog and is justifying his behavior.

At this point he has zero rights to privacy because he chose to loose your trust.

Stand your ground or you will never feel at peace.

If you haven't already please look up the 180 and start it immediately.

Time for WH to stop being so smug.

Good luck.


spiritfox posted 7/9/2013 16:06 PM

I do know that there are other ways, but I was hoping that this would ease my mind a little at least.

As far as how he's been otherwise, he's deployed right now, and I've asked him to limit his communication with me to once a week emails while I calm down a little. He has respected this restriction, and has also started IC as I requested.

In his full-disclosure letter it was very obvious that he knows what he did with OW2 was wrong, but he doesn't label it as an affair because it was "just pictures and some flirting". He does not admit that his relationship with OW1 is wrong because she's "just like a sister".

spiritfox posted 7/9/2013 16:17 PM

I forgot to add: I have looked at the 180, and I've been doing it for the most part ... but I'm not really sure how to adapt it for a long distance situation like mine, beyond the boundaries that I've already established for communication.

sportsfan posted 7/9/2013 16:32 PM

Sorry that you're dealing with this, spiritfox.

Your H should allow you access to everything - that is R 101. If he is unwilling to do so then your concerns are justified.

The fact that a spouse is deployed is tough on even a strong relationship - that you have these issues magnifies the problems. I hope you two can hang in there at least until such a time when you can work together more closely & more positively toward building a better M.

[This message edited by sportsfan at 4:33 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

redrock posted 7/9/2013 16:38 PM

an outright "no", but that after talking to his therapist he is "willing to discuss it". Apparently she also suggested that I could offer something in return.

I would like to kick his IC in the ASS for encouraging him to think that transparency is up for negotiation.

I agree with everything 1Faith laid out.

And add that he might offer you this gift after he scrubs the account.

If you do not have real time access to his accounts(whenever YOU choose)- expect to his version of what he wants you to see. That is not transparency.


What you can do is explain that this is a condition of R for you. This isn't up for negotiation.
He betrayed you and if he truly wants to work on your marriage then he needs to do whatever it is for you to feel safe.

He lost his right to privacy when he used it for secrecy. Too bad, so sad. He can either allow you to verify that he is trustworthy whenever the whim strikes you or assume that he continues to hide behavior.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/9/2013 16:42 PM

If he had nothing to hide he would have no problem giving you access to everything. Watch him.

What would I do?
Tell him to give you access to everything and if he refuses go see an attorney and start the D process. If he wants to salvage the marriage he will do whatever it takes.

Do not put up with this.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 4:43 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

pewpewpew posted 7/9/2013 16:47 PM

THIS is a huge red flag.

As someone whose WH right after dday gave me "complete transparency" only to buy a pay as you go mobile - I call BS.

Are you sure the A is over?

doesitgetbetter posted 7/9/2013 18:02 PM

Ditto what everyone says, it's a HUGE red flag! And, what on earth is his IC talking about???? You have to give up something? Ok, I know a great response. How about "I'm giving up my dignity long enough to at least ATTEMPT to work through this mess you made". Done! What a jerkoff, sorry!

I also wanted to address one thing. The OW1 he considers a "sister". Well, my H had an A with a woman that he considered his sister on more than one instance. H was with his ex girlfriend/fiancé. This woman that was like his "sister" was also best friends with the ex. The three of them hung out all the time. One night, the ex was out of town so the "sister" and H hung out alone. They were naked before the end of the movie they were watching.

H admitted it was awkward and weird.... but he decided to do it a couple more times to see if it would get better.

After H and I got together, the wanted to know if he could still hang out with the "sister"? Ha ha ha! NO WAY!!!!

So don't buy the sister garbage, if he's talking about sex with her, then he's likely thinking about having sex WITH her, and thoughts like that tend to lead to action at some point. They had LOTS of time alone together while they were deployed, it just smells really really bad. I'm so sorry.

spiritfox posted 7/9/2013 18:09 PM

Thank you all so much for your responses. It confirms a lot of what was going on in my head ... The email that I finally sent back borrowed heavily from all of your responses. lol

We'll see how he responds ...

This is incredibly frustrating, since it was just yesterday that I managed to convince myself that R might be possible.

Nature_Girl posted 7/9/2013 19:39 PM

That IC needs a whack upside the head.

Ashland13 posted 7/9/2013 20:07 PM

I saw that you already made a decision, SpiritFox, but wanted to chime in my two cents opinion and join the others with, "red flag" sentiments.

In my experience that is growing, any hesitation at all on the WS part is a red flag for me. Maybe my antennae are to sharp or bent now, but what you wrote about his "no", right away, stood out for me like a sore thumb.

And that he went to IC and discussed it meant he was thinking about it, if he's being truthful.

In our divorce papers, I am having a hard time-besides the usual-because something similar is happening an anything that I ask for stipulations, STBXH's lawyer will attempt to put equal stance for him!

There's bargaining and then there's, WTF?

FWIW, to share experience, STBX would delete things and then shove his phone or computer in my face and say, "See? Nothing." That in and of itself was a red flag, because why make a big deal of nothing, if something truly is nothing? I don't know if it makes any sense, but to me pointing it out made it something.

I hope you'll be able to sort things out soon and think it's very strong of you to put boundaries on your contact. Not easy.

EasyDoesIt posted 7/9/2013 23:41 PM

Oh honey, there are all kinds of internet evidence finders that can pull ALL of his deleted stuff from the computer, even stuff he emptied from the recycle bin.

m334455 posted 7/10/2013 02:47 AM

In his full-disclosure letter it was very obvious that he knows what he did with OW2 was wrong, but he doesn't label it as an affair because it was "just pictures and some flirting". He does not admit that his relationship with OW1 is wrong because she's "just like a sister".

I'm just chiming in here to share with you that I got "full disclosure" from my husband that sounded a lot like the portion of your post that I quoted above and the actual truth is that my husband had a raging affair with the OW for TWENTY YEARS. TWENTY. He'd already been in this affair as a single OM for more than ten years by the time I'd met him.

I'm sharing for anyone reading this -- to illustrate that people will minimize the truth when caught lying, especially if they think you don't know/can't get the full truth. Really, to an amazingly dramatic degree.

madsadalone posted 7/10/2013 10:20 AM

My WH also refuses to allow me access to his many email accounts.

I wish I had a good response or solution for you. I wish you luck.

confused615 posted 7/10/2013 10:26 AM

It's simple. If they refuse transparency then there can be no R. If he refuses,file for divorce...that might wake him up enough to realize he needs to do these things or the marriage is over...and if it doesn't wake him up,it's best you find out now that he isn't committed to R,or being an open book...it will save you months,years,of pain.

OldCow18 posted 7/10/2013 10:29 AM

If my WH refused me any of his passwords (phone, FB, email, bank acccount, etc.) it would be an immediate deal breaker for me. Yes, there are other ways, but he cannot earn back trust without you being able to verify because he has proven himself to be untrustworthy. Period.

sportsfan posted 7/10/2013 10:37 AM

Just adding to my earlier comment, spiritfox: my W would not give me the password to her work computer (on which she communicated with AP) ... so I took a baseball bat to it. She had some explaining to do with her employer as a result. I had full access to all devices after that ...

Blobette posted 7/10/2013 20:04 PM

OW1 is "like a sister"? Your WH is into incest?

Sorry, couldn't resist...

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