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Newest Member: Dha0128 (46042)

User Topic: wh not allowed to have a bad day
scangel3
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that sounds so wrong, they're only human everyone has bad days/crabby days here and there. But I've realized its a trigger for me. Not an A related trigger, but a trying to R trigger. When he has a bad day, or is grouchy it puts me on the defensive, and I retreat back to limbo land. Part of it is because the way he reacts to certain things when he's grouchy is one of my major problems with him, and he knows it. I have dreaded his days off from work for years now, and finally over the past few weeks, since he's really been trying, I look forward to his days off. But today, his day off, just reminded me why I dread his days off. We've been M'd almost 10 years, we should be able to enjoy a whole day together without getting into it. But here we are back to the old ways.

I know its only one day, not necessarily the way it will be again. But I can't help but trigger and back away. Especially since this has been the pattern before, a couple weeks of really good then back to hell for a few months or year. Maybe its me, maybe I expect to much, but damn it I just want to be happy and want to be able to see a happy future ahead.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
musiclovingmom
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was married to my first H, I tried to avoid him as much as possible. I spent my spare time making sure things were just right so we wouldn't fight. I walked on eggshells to keep from upsetting him. None of it worked. He still found reasons to yell at me when he got home or when we had time off together. I would mention it, and he would be better for a month or so, and then right back. Ours was not a healthy, respectful relationship. It took me almost ten years (of cohabitating and bein married) and having a child in that environment for me to say enough and take back control of my life. Maybe this isn't your situation, but your post struck that chord with me. Take time to consider the lifestyle you want and deserve and if your H can be a partner in building that.
For the record - my exH attended 3 counseling sessions in an attempt to work on his anger/stress management issues, put on a good face for the counselor and proclaimed himself cured while continuing to treat me exactly the same way. He has gone back to counseling now at the insistence of his new wife, but still has made very little, if any, progress in how he reacts to stressful situations and how he expresses his anger. I do not feel safe being alone with him and, in hindsight, don't know how I lived that way for so long.

Posts: 1173 | Registered: Jan 2013
Tripletrouble
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can have a bad day, just don't ask me to give a whoop.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 640 | Registered: May 2013
Deanna
♀ 26854
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am being serious here. My husband is not allowed to have a bad day. He had many bad days, even before the affair. I will not tolerate him in anything but a good mood. I trigger if he is short with me and then think to mysf, how dare he. I know I am being a bit extreme but that was part of the bargain for reconcilliation.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
scangel3
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK so I am not crazy on this one, makes me feel better. I usually feel guilty about getting mad and triggering because he has a bad day, but now I don't. Its always great to not feel alone in these thoughts!

And I am not saying he CAN'T have a bad day, he just better keep it away from me


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
OptimisticWife
♀ 36587
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also start to freak out a little when H has a bad day too.
I start reading into everything and wondering what's wrong. H has been trying to help me through these feelings even when he's feeling down himself. He's learning to open up and talk to me more about what's going on for him and it helps reassure me in the moment.
I'm slowly getting better though. I just have to get a better grip on my insecurities and remind myself that not everything is about me, our marriage or his A.....takes time I guess

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do your spouses know that they're not 'allowed' to have bad days? Or were they told to keep it bottled up inside?

I mean, what if they have a bad day at work? Or have an argument with a parent or friend? Are they not allowed to come to you and talk about it?

Because I'm pretty certain not sharing honest feelings isn't a healthy pattern to get in to.

I'm just curious and trying to figure out how that would work

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:29 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199209 | Registered: May 2002
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy does this resonate with me!!!

Before a, h was always in a bad mood and blamed or took it out on me. One of my self improvement projects is not accepting blame nor allowing him to take out his mood on me.

Last night h was being cranky distant and just too familiar. I approached him to talk and I did not like the response.

I am new to this so I see how I did not react in quite the right way, but I am also allowed to not be perfect.

I stood up to him, told him I am not the source of your frustration and will not allow you to take it out on me. Then I went to the store.

Instead of leaving I should have expressed my willingness to listen to him but not accept any mistreatment.

Later he was not happy. He thought that I should have been more affectionate, reaching out to him. I will not do that. That is the old ways, me making everything better and taking abuse.

I just told him been there done that , no more, it does not work. Learn to talk about what upsets you with out blaming me and I will listen and support you.

I know he does not like this. oh well, he will have to adjust, just a consequence of his actions, I cannot afford to be so "sweet" anymore.

This I believe is a positive step, but I know I need more practice!

Sharing problems, frustrations all of that is wonderful, the key is sharing though not blaming someone else.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1594 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
DWBH
♂ 35512
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I'm pretty certain not sharing honest feelings isn't a healthy pattern to get in to.

Amen to that... For us, not sharing (aka emotional walls a mile high) was a major contributor to her A.

If she's off or having a bad day, yes, I'll trigger too. Insecurity and doubt kick in, big time. It's a perfectly natural emotional response, IMO. Only with logic and practiced thought stopping can I overcome those feelings.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 42 (ThornyRose)
M: 17 years, together 20
2 Daughters: 15 and 13
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Cheatedon23
♀ 37324
Member # 37324
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is natural to feel that way. Everytime, my WH is in a grouchy mood, I take it personal and start thinking about his A. Even when I'm doing it, I know that I shouldn't, but he is the one that created this mess. So he will just have to deal with it until the time comes when I can handle it.


Me: BS 51
Him: WH 52
D - 26; S - 23; S - 20

Married 31years, together 34
D-Day 1 - April 1, 2012
D-Day 2 - October 5, 2012
D-Day 3 - August 15, 2014
Heading towards Divorce


Posts: 90 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Georgia
scangel3
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deeply scared, i'm not asking that he never have a bad/grouchy day, or to hold everything in. I would much rather him talk to me about what's going on then hold it in, but I won't have him taking his grouchiness out on me. He's a big boy, i'm not his Mommy so he needs to act the appropriate age. And yes he knows this, he knows I'll listen and try to be understanding, as long as he's not blame shifting everything onto me.

But regardless it's still a trigger, and one I think will be around for a very long time, possibly forever, since it's not just A related, but R related, and brings my decision to stay or go to surface.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I won't have him taking his grouchiness out on me

Well, that's completely different...the way I was reading the comments made it sound like they all had to be robots without any feelings but fake smiles.

I can completely understand where you're coming from...thank you so much for explaining it in more detail


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199209 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 12

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